Don't You Want to Taste the Fruits?

Mike McMahon is disrespecting white quarterbacks by leaving the pocket. In a league full of chalky pocket passers, how does this man have the hubris to circumvent the unwritten rule that a white quarterback should drop back (perhaps even with shoulders squared), analyze the defense, and deliver a precise strike to his more athletic counterparts? The pocket is Eden, and Mikey has tasted the fruit from the tree of good and evil. It is in our hands to decide who has provided the apple to young McMahon. Could it be gentle McNabb, who in recent years has neglected this knowledge and returned to his sanctuary? Or the serpentine Eldorado Owens, he who has already delivered such tumult to the Eagles clan? By chance it was King Andy who stepped down from his throne to deliver the morsel to his young apprentice, allowing him each week to deliver the monotone "we like his athletic ability."

Whoever the culprit, the result has been the same. The blind lead the blind onto the field each week, and now, facing a division sweep while fans inwardly pray for a loss. It has been a season to forget, and my only hope is that the Eagles royalty understands the frailty of their gameplan and does not fall into the trap of believing that injuries were the cause of our pain.

Superman dies

So I spent my formative years as a Vikings fan, and therefore hated the Greenbay Packers. I still do, and I'm sure I always will, but you gotta love #4. This is probably his last season, and last night was probably his second to last game. They were playing the Bears, who I also hate, so I was pulling for Favre. You could tell the whole game that the Pack was defeated, but when Chatman returned that punt for a TD, I smelled a little Favre comeback. Of course that didn't happen, and they went for the field goal instead of the touchdown when they brought the ball back down the field, but they were close. Really, I just want to mention how Favre is by far the best QB I've ever seen when it comes to getting knocked around and really just not caring...even welcoming it. Even when he throws up a bomb that's sure to get picked, sometimes you think he might just run down and catch it himself. And then get form tackled by Urlacher, and get right back up.

If I Had a Hammer...

I'd hammer out the losing. I'd hammer out the fumbles. I'd hammer out the coaching. I'd hammer out the hernias. I'd hammer out the contracts. I'd hammer out the drops. I'd hammer out the special teams. I'd hammer out the defense. I'd hammer out the holding. I'd hammer out the false starts. I'd hammer out Kearse. I'd hammer out Lito. I'd hammer out Reno. I'd definitely hammer out interceptions on monday night when we're up six with three minutes to play and should have just taken a knee but Andy's a little to stubborn for that and these days I can barely even laugh when I look at his mustache which used to send me into fits.

I'd hammer out the love between the brothers and the sisters all over the land.

Breaking News

By Bass McSweeney
Green Bleeder Correspondent

Scare At South Philadelphia Sports Complex

Eagles football practice was halted this morning after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head Coach Andy Reid immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line.

Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

No-Bowl Follow Up

After I got over the bewilderment of the fact that there is a Pro Bowl announcement show, I was interested/disapointed to learn that Jeremiah Trotter will be representing our 2005 Philadelphia Eagles in Hawaii this season. Although I would have liked to get the snub because it would put such a nice finishing touch on the season, it is nevertheless great to see a monster like Trot sipping fruity drinks with umbrellas and checking out girls in bikinis, which is clearly the heart of any Pro Bowl experience. The man simply can't be denied.

In relevant Pro Bowl news, big ups to the Bears, not only for their six Pro Bowl nods and their gift of a watchable Sunday night game (finally) but for an overall superb season. Teams like Chicago are becoming a rarity in the wild west that the NFL has become, and I'm throwing my full support towards them during their playoff run. And no, I'm not trying to jinx them. And no, I can't believe that the pinche Vikings have won six of seven.

For tonight, if you have the opportunity, please tune in and marvel at the magic of everyone's favorite new sixer- Shavlik Randolph. You won't be sorry for long.

Simple Hypothetical

Easy: Could you catch 4 of 10 passes thrown by Donovan F. McNabb? Please take into account the following (and I welcome all jokes, both good and bad):

1. Three-quarters of our wide receivers can't

2. He's gonna miss you by about five feet on at least two of his tosses

3. He throws about 65 mph. In case you can't remember what sixty mph looks like, take a walk out to the highway and check out the right lane.

4. If you're name is Jared Wilner, think about how many passes from Skari you could catch. If it is less than four, then odds are you couldn't catch four of Donnie's.


As for me, I'm pretty sure I could grab two, maybe three with gloves. I think the first set would be tricky, but that with a little warm-up on the JUGS machine, I should be able to handle it.

Screw Bush, Screw Castro

So Hal summed up the facts pretty well. Coming soon, World Baseball Classic. Each country with any reasonable baseball presence will be supplying a team to play first in round-robin play, then next into a knock out round. So of course there's the USA, of course there's Canada and Japan and the Dominican Republic. And of course there's Cuba. No, wait, there's not. There will be no Cuba, even though Cuba has consistently been the best performer in all amateur baseball contests, including the Olympics. While the sport of baseball on the professional level hasn't existed in Cuba since a few years after the current regime took power, it is widely recognized as one of the baseball powerhouses of the world. Livan Hernandez, his brother El Duque, Rafael Palmeiro, Jose Canseco, Danny Baez, and Jose Contreras are just a few of the superstars produced by this small country. While these specific superstars all left Cuba and the Cuban National Team by defection, most of them still hold close ties to the Cuban exile population in America, and indirectly to Cuba, either through family that has stayed on the island or otherwise. Initially, when this tournament was announced, Fidel Castro made it very clear that no player who defected from Cuba would be allowed to play on the team in the World Baseball Classic. The current American administration then made it clear that Cuba would not be allowed to participate in the USA and Japan sponsored event, due to current trade embargo restrictions with the communist country. So in essence, although Cuban baseball players have an inextricable link to the political nature of their defection, they will be banned from participating in an event that not only myself, but countless other Cuban-Americans have been looking forward to since the sport of baseball was removed from the Summer Olympic Games. In a hilarious way, it's a great comment on the child-like relationship that has existed between our country and our neighbor to the south for decades. In an entirely unfunny way, it's a great comment on that same child-like relationship. The Cuban-exile fueled politics of American administrations since Kennedy that have reduced the Cuban economy to a tourism-based shell of what it was in the 20's and 50's. Now, the spat continues to grown men arguing about who can and cannot play baseball, a sport that for over a hundred years has been loved and enjoyed by people of all ages. I, for one, have become sick at this prospect.

Cuban Baseball Crisis

Quick hit on the situation between the US Treasury and the Cuban baseball team, before Armando sinks his teeth into it later-

On the heels of the first serious attempt at a world baseball tournament, the United States has somehow decided that it is their business to decide whether or not the Cuba should be able to field a team. Setting aside the fact that they are stepping in and denying a tremendous group of ballplayers their rightful chance to play for their birthnation, the thing about this that bites my ass the most is that I can't exactly understand what makes America think that they should have any say in the matter at all. Bush has done enough to foul up international affairs and the US government should have the good sense to stay as far away from this matter as possible. The biggest and only debate on the subject of Cuban baseball should be the decision that MLB Cuban defectors have in whether or not they wish to represent Cuba or stand against the Castro regime.

The No-Bowl

Pro-Bowl rosters will be unveiled sometime next week, and the only way I can see us getting a man sent to Hawaii is if the league switches to baseball rules and lets everyone go. Last year we had nine players voted in, ten if you count Westbrook's late nod. It also marks the second straight year that Andy Reid will not man the ship, and this time he's got a far more feeble excuse.

Not only will we most likely get snubbed, there's hardly anyone on the club that even warrants an argument. You could try to back Trot, but how can you fully get behind the emotional leader on a team with no emotion? The same goes for Dawk, the latest victim of the Hal Morra jersey curse. Casualties now include Todd Pinkston (leg), Ron Artest (everything), Eric Snow (bench sores), and Shaq (ankle tweak). I'd love to back Sheldon, but after a strong start, he's been having too much trouble adjusting to the left cornerback position. Offense may be in even worse shape, especially with 8 starters missing significant burn.

Given the specific nature of this season, I think this is a fantastic situation. As if the Seattle game wasn't a big enough embarrassment, going from 10 pro-bowlers to none while being the first team in league history to sweep their division and get swept in consecutive years (if the Skins can take us down again) should be a nice Andre The Giant slap to the face. Stay warm, it's gonna be a looong offseason.

Great googily moogily

So I'm sitting here watching the Flyers battle the Bluejackets of Columbus, Ohio, and I can't help but notice a few hilarious things. First of all, does it blow anyone's mind that Chris Therien still plays for the Flyers? I know people love him, and he's really not that bad, but man. He just looks dumb sometimes when he's out on the ice, like he doesn't know what he's doing. To top it off, he's played more games as a Flyer (706 before this season) than everyone but Bobby Clarke, Bill Barber, Brian Propp, Joe Watson, Bob Kelly, and Rick Macleish. If that doesn't blow your mind, you don't know enough about hockey. In more positive news, Peter Forsberg continues to make people look something like Hollis Thomas on ice, and when the rest of our team heals up, well, get the hell out of the way.

Sorry guys, someone's gotta talk about soccer

So the World Cup groupings were released last week, and I figure someone's gotta say something. Everyone says this is Team USA's best chance to win the whole thing in history, and we're even ranked in the top 10. Who'd have thought that would ever happen? So everything's going well, and then the bracket comes out, and looky-looky...they drop the Italy bomb on us for the first round. Our other opponents, Ghana and the Czech Republic are slightly easier match ups, but those Czechs can pull some magic out every once in a while. So it's going to be a tough one, but exciting nonetheless. Now, I'm sure most of you might rather watch competitive cheerleading on ESPN than soccer, but you have to acknowledge the importance of the event. More people in the world play soccer than just about anything, and they'll all be watching. Do yourself a favor and watch, even just so you've got something to talk about. Those two dudes up there ^^....amazing. I might be a closet soccer fan, but I'll be proud to watch this one, and maybe for once get to openly support something that my country does.

Sailing Away

The flotilla has hit the high seas, as Vicente Padilla has been traded to the Rangers for a player to be named later, who will most likely not be Hank Blaylock. Looks like the new plan is to move the wall back, make room for Cole Hamels, Ryan Madson, Gavin Floyd, and duke it out will all comers. Best of luck, gentlemen.

In trade news that may be able to help one of our teams, the Indiana Pacers have put Ron Artest and his handler on the market, ready to terrorize a city near you. I'm gonna go right off and propose Kyle Korver and Jamal Mashburn straight up for Ronron, which is amazing for many reasons, not the least of which being that it works. We'd be absolutely fearsome with Igoudala and Artest on the perimiter and Dalembert goaltending everything down low. This trade has me going third-grade all over.

Crocodile Tears

Admit it, Sunday's game was kinda fun, wasn't it. We got to see some fine football, a breakout talent horrifically managed by a certifiably insane coach, and overtime to boot! I sign on for 60 minutes of football, anything past that I consider a gift. And we're inching closer and closer to Reggie Bush. Add in Eli's three interceptions that he threw with both hands firmly around his neck and wow, that was easily the most entertaining Eagles loss in years.

I feel fine making jokes about this team because it all feels like a bump in the road, and one that we should have seen coming a long while back. But have you ever seen anything like this from a coach that we once considered among the best in the business? At this point, I'd put him a step above Mike Tice, and that's just on the merit of his moustache and four straight NFC Conference game appearances. But is he officially off the deep end? How do you justify giving Reno 10 touches when you have Moats leaving scorched earth in his wake and Mike McMahon at the helm? How do you keep Greg Lewis on the field while he's wearing Mike Lieberthal's cement shoes as gloves? It looks like he's taking night classes at the Dom Capers school of draft board climbing, but at this point I think if we ended up with Reggie Bush Andy would just put him on special teams until he blew out his ACL covering punts.

Still, it was a little fun wasn't it? All the touchdowns and turnovers, watching Dallas struggle on the scoreboard, it felt almost like a real football game. And then, when the pocket collapsed and Mike laid it on the turf for the final time, did you mind? Or did you picture that draft board and just dream of next year's training camp? This is football, and I'm in it for the long-run. We're not gonna win every year (although not getting swept in the division would be nice), so let's do what we can to get in shape for the next go at it. Donnie's set to start throwing again next April (he'll probably play a game before Randy Wolf), and sometime soon all will be well again in Eagleland. Until then, is there anything better than watching Koy buckle his chinstrap and toss it around with Mike Bartrum? Not in my eyes.

Gotta Have It: Relax

No playoffs, no worries. Grab a mug, put this baby on, and you can sleepwalk through the rest of the season. Only four games left, so step to it. With the passing of thanksgiving, it's high time to be thankful for everything the Birds have given us and take this as a time for easy relaxation. This is the first time this century that we haven't had to worry about losing, so really relish it. Come next year it'll be back to the grind.

Hypothetical: Speed Kills

Here's an easy one, although it depends more on your personal athletic ability than the others. Picture yourself on one end of a 25 yard by 10 yard plot of land (half an endzone). Now picture Lito Sheppard on the other end with a football under his arm. If you had 10 minutes and neither of you could leave the area, could you tackle him? Could you get the ball loose? For the sake of argument we'll use the 2004 Lito, before he became the second coming of Al Harris and then broke his ankle.

I'm 95% certain that I'd have no chance at all, but I can think of a few people who might have a shot. How about you?

You Say Tomato, I Also Say Tomato

How we ever got rid of Jim Thome, I'll never know, and boot in the fact that we got a baseball player in the deal, well... I'm just blown away. Other than this and the Billy Wagner downgrade, management has found time to bring in a few sub-average middle relievers and a utility infielder, so it's just your average offseason here in Philly.

Fact is, we got rid of Ed Wade, the single move which assured a successful winter break. Thankfully we still get to hear residual Wade trade rumors like Abreu straight up for Manny, one of the great laughers of the year. Nothing would beat Aaron Rowand ranging over and stealing fly balls from him like Kelly Leak while Manny listens to Young Jeezy on his sunglasses.

In other non-player movement news, the team has approved plans to move the left field wall back five feet and raise it 2.5 feet up to a height of 10.5 ft, which means Pat Burrell won't be able to stash his dip in the flowers anymore. Tough breaks all around. Tentative plans are brewing to install a ladder so that he might catch a home run or two. Would anyone be against replacing the warning track with a trampoline? Who doesn't want to see Gary Sheffield break a ball over his head after Torii Hunter gets 15 feet of air to rob him of a dinger? Ideas like this don't even seem that ridiculous after watching centerfielders stumble up and down the hill in Houston.

It's just that kind of day

It's usually kind of tough to talk about baseball in the middle of football season, but I'm feeling bold. It is trade time for Major League Baseball, and since the Phillies are in the middle of it, some things demand evaluation.

First transaction. Aaron Rowand and Dan Haigwood from the White Sox for Jim Thome and cash considerations. Seriously? I didn't think anyone would want Thome, but I guess the World Series champs are willing to take a risk on an aging big bat. Not to mention Rowand's value, especially in a position the Phils have been lacking in the past few seasons. Great fielder, decent bat, and hopefully not gonna sit on the DL or take the season off. He's no Carlos Beltran, I'll certainly take him.

Second transaction. The Phillies sign infielder Abraham Nunez, who had played previously for the Cardinals. He's an average hitter, and a slightly above average hitter, but I'd bet he's better than David Bell. At least it's a fresh face in the line up.

Third Transaction, Fourth Transaction. Signed Julio Santana from Milwaukee and signed Sal Fasano who had been with the Orioles. A reliever and a catcher. Neither particularly good, but anyone's better than Mike Lieberthal, even at warming the bench.

Fifth Transaction. Tom Gordon signed from the Yankees. He's the replacement for Billy Wagner. Now, I think it's hard to be in favor of signing Billy Wagner at the amount of money that he wanted, not to mention his age, but I don't really like this signing. Gordon's a perennial playoff dud, and while he's done some decent pitching in his career, he's no Billy Wagner. If they manage to reinforce the bullpen in some other constructive ways, he might serve the purpose adequately.

The Rowand deal is obviously the standout so far, but Abreu and Burrell still seem to be tradable commodities on this team. I heard they weren't interested in Manny Ramirez for Abreu, but the optimist in me just ignores that out of spite. Clearly the team is in desperate need of a real No. 1 pitcher, and they believe Abreu is the one who can garner this in return.

Now for my feelings. I'm relieved Thome is gone, watching him rot on the bench was painful. Oh wait, he was never even on the bench. Good riddance, welcome Rowand. Gordon is slightly past his prime, but might suffice if we can build up the pen. I like Nunez, but he's not gonna help this team unless he gets Bell off the field. Really....I think the best chance the Phillies have is moving one of those outfielders for an ace, the obvious move. There are an infinite number of possibilities, although only a few are reasonable, and I hope Gillick can get it done with this one. So far he's shown a willingness to move the pieces around, and has managed to reduce some payroll, so you gotta be happy so far.

In all seriousness though, I still think the Eagles have a better chance at winning the World Series than the Phillies. I heard Gillick say that he thinks Bell and Lieberthal are two experienced veterans who know how to win. Enough said.

It Wasn't As Bad As it Looked

There's few things that you can say in front of a group of 2nd graders after a game like that, but here's one of them: it wasn't actually that bad. Although my dad and I openly hoped that Lurie would postpone the Reggie White ceremony and instead bring in Agent K and give us a memory-flash, I'll go ahead and argue that it wasn't even the worst loss of the season. My vote for that one goes to either game vs. the pinche Cowboys. (I'd say the first was the worse beating and the second was the tougher loss). Sure, we got beat forty-two to nothing on national television by Matt "we'll take the ball and we're gonna score" Hasselbeck. Sure, we turned the ball over 6 times and never got past the Seahawks' 38, one of two times we held the ball in Seattle territory (we made it to their 47 on the other one). But here are six examples of why this beating wasn't as bad as it looked.

Wait for it.
Wait.

So here's what happened. I started this column, tried to come up with some reasons, put some stats down and you know what? There's no way around this one. They got flat out slapped in the mouth. They are a bad football team. I was going to wax on and on about how they didn't march all over the field, and didn't leave power through the middle but it's just not gonna happen. They had Maurice Morris and Seneca Wallace in the damn game. I love a bad football team. If you still love the Eagles too, then understand, you love a bad football team. So let's have some fun, watch the rest of the season without that anxious feeling in our stomachs, and just enjoy some professional football (they still get paid, so there's no way around calling them professionals).

Since you knew all this already and I had the luxury of sitting in the Linc for this one, I'll share a few things that didn't turn up on the TV.

1. On one of the plays after McMahon's second interception he scrambled a bit and threw the ball away, leading to someone in the stands shouting 'What are you doing! 54 was wide open!'

2. On Shaun Alexander's 2-yard touchdown run after Koy's first interception the Eagles replay crew ran a close-up of the left tackle holding maybe 15 times. That was what the all the laughter was about.

3. Randall Cunningham was in attendance during the halftime proceedings and was met with a chorus of 'Don't Leave!' and 'Grab a uniform!' on his way out.

4. Jeffrey Lurie getting savagely booed during his Reggie White speech.

Basically, Mike McMahon, I knew AJ Feeley. And you sir are no AJ Feeley.

Hypothetical: The Final Countdown

Here's the situation: you and four other dudes (plus a bench) holding a 13 point lead with one minute left against the Nba team of your choice. Can you hold on? I say 9 out of ten times they scrape out the victory and maybe that one time you get happy at the free-throw line. They're gonna come hard, shoot threes, and foul. All you gotta do is kill some clock. Can you do it?

Tying in another question, if it goes to overtime, where would you put the over/under and the spread. I'd say them -35, with an over/under of 36

Takin it around Philadelphia...

So let's review this weekend. Eagles: Victorious. Flyers: 1-1. Sixers: 0-1. So things are mediocre. The Eagles pulled out a big win over the Packers, but really...it's fairly meaningless considering they have to win all their games and have the rest of the NFC East self destruct in order to make the playoffs. Some people prefer them to lose the rest of their games in order to get a higher draft pick, but is that really worth it? You all know the Eagles, they will get value out of their draft picks as long as they don't take an offensive position player, and most likely will be able to move up or trade with their excess picks gained from past trades. The only thing blowing the rest of the games does is insure that our remaining veterans and new players go into next season with a chip on their shoulder...and we all know what that's worth. Honestly, fight it out, try to win some games, and try not to finish last in the division. That's my say.

The Flyers continue to blow in the 3rd period. I don't know how many times I've said this, but I'm even starting to annoy myself with it. So I'll move on. I came to another realization tonight while watching them squeak out a win over the Islanders. Remember a couple years ago in hockey when a guy like Brodeur or Roy, sometimes even Hasek or Curtis Joseph, could take a mediocre team and guide them to the playoffs? Sometimes even deep into the playoffs? We all know the Devils have never had a decent team, they just had the best goalie in the game for so many years. I can't help but notice that with the increase in offense, speed, and scoring in the NHL this year that the era of the dominating goalie is over. It's kind of weird. I'm not gonna say I miss watching Brodeur make amazing save after amazing save, but it's certainly different. They do wear smaller pads, the rules have changed, and the game has become more offensive. Get ready for some unexpected teams in the playoffs this year as a result.

On to the Sixers. For some reason, they continue to struggle slightly. They had a big streak mid-November, and beat some good teams, but other weaker teams like the Bucks and the Knicks have pulled out some key wins. Clearly, the team is still in the development stage, and should continue to strengthen as the season progresses. In all honesty though, I'll take anything from the team that's different from what Jim O'Brian gave us last year. They play a much more dynamic game in my eyes, get more minutes from the bench (and production), and seem better equipped to adapt to the opposition. That said, even at 8-7, they're in first in the division, so maybe it won't be that tough. The whole league is fairly close though, so I'd like to see them put a little more hop in their step, and seriously throw more oooooops to Iguodala.

Hypothetical: 15 on 1

Thanks to everyone for last week's conversation on Tracy McGrady. It was a complete success and my top goal was accomplished- you made me reconsider my position, and eventually change my mind. Once the idea of Tracy standing under the basket and only allowing 12 foot jumpers came up, I realized that we really didn't stand much of a chance. I had only imagined holding him to something along the order of 75% shooting tops, and I certainly don't know four other people who shoot 75% free throws, especially not with a 6-9 dude coming at them. Thanks again.

This week we'll move on to football, namely Mike Vick. Initial discussions began with an 11 on 1 scenario, which quickly moved to 20 on 1. For the sake of argument, we'll split the difference and call it you and 14 of your buddies versus the leagues most under-utilized wideout. This is a standard, 60 minute game of football, all NFL rules applying, aside from the fact that there's one pro quarterback versus 15 post-grads.

As I did last week, I'm taking me and my buddies. While we'd have some trouble scoring consistently in a basketball game, I can't see anyway Vick could ever stop us from getting a first down. He goes left, we throw right. He plays deep, we throw short. Tackling him is going to be a little tougher, but with a little teamwork, there's no reason we shouldn't be able to stop him once or twice, and that's the ballgame. I have to believe that he's at a major disadvantage returning kicks; we'll recover at least 8/10 onside and start driving all over again. I'd put the line on this game at US (-21.5) vs. vick.

Enjoy.

Any Ideas?

I got lucky yesterday and ended up at the Sixers game, which was the first game this season that I’ve gotten a good look at. And although we blew out the Nookch, a few issues stood out.

First, the good side. Our bench isn’t nearly as horrendous as I predicted, and it will get a nice boost when Steven Hunter takes his proper place there. He put down a few nice dunks and brings some energy to the court, but he’s not a starter. Let’s just say I wouldn’t be surprised if Ben Wallace pulls down 35 rebounds the next time they meet up. As far as the current bench is concerned, James Thomas is a poor-man’s Kenny Thomas (thankfully he gets paid like one), Kevin Ollie is Kevin Ollie, Lee Nailon is an absolute revelation, and I’ll get to Johnny Salmons in a minute. And that’s it. Our starters get major burn, and it’s really the only way we’re gonna win games year.

Michael Bradley has his own sign above section 207A. It says “Bradley’s Bunch.” This astounded me to no end last night, and every time I looked at it, I thought of how many times I’ve heard what a difference he’ll make to the team this year (20+) and how many times I took that claim seriously (zero). Check it out next time you get down to the stadium. It’s remarkable. Imagine if, unprovoked, the Phillies put up a sign with David Bell’s picture on it that read “The Bell Ringers.” It would be just that ridiculous, until you remember that David Bell starts, and then cried into your sandwich.

Hip Hop (our mascot) unloaded two cans of silly string on some dude in the 5th row. He probably sprayed him for a minute and half, all told. The guy was a good sport about it too. Great stuff when you're up 18 before the break.

As for our starters, they look good enough. Iverson will never let you down, and Webber is playing at 65% of his prime, which is to say, 200% better than last year. Korver has expanded his game slightly, mixing in a shot fake-step forward move, and is more willing to get to the hoop. Iguodala is shooting the lights out and playing as close to shut-down defense as you are allowed to play in the Nba.

This all leads into the big problem with the Sixers. They have absolutely no discernable offensive game plan. They could be a pick and roll team, with Webber and Iverson/Korver, but they’re not. They could go back to being a drive and dish team with Iverson at the helm, but this isn’t happening either. They simply don’t make any sense. I saw them call out and run a designed play to get John Salmons the ball in the corner. Where to go from there, who knows? Half of the offense revolves around Iverson beating his man off the dribble, but we don’t run iso for him. The other half involve getting the posting Webber up at the elbow and hoping for the best. My best account of our offense would be: Have Iverson take the ball up the court, look for a shot, dish to Webber, fiddle around for 8 seconds, end up with Iguodala shooting a three from the corner, and it falls or someone pulls down a board. That’s it.

While lamenting this dilemma in the third quarter, a guy in front of me turned around and said simply “oh no, you don’t want to ask that.” They are beyond any logical explanation. I really feel that if you asked Mo Cheeks “What is this offense designed to do?” he would stutter for 10 seconds and then tell a story about Dr. J dunking on Moses. The problem is, the offense is working. And until it stops working, nothing is going to change. Well, at least no one else in the league has a plan either, so just stick around while we wrap up the #3 seed.

Flyers Report

So I come back from vacation, and the first two games I see played by my beloved Flyers are heart-wrenching overtime losses. Both on breakaways, sadly. Granted, an overtime loss is better than a regular time loss, as you still get a measly one point, but really that's just a little insulting. The two plays were quite similar...a mistake by a defenseman led to a one on zero chance with the goalie, for Sidney Crosby on Wednesday and Greg de Vries last night. Now, I wouldn't worry about giving de Vries too many breakaways, but Crosby on the other hand, it just can't happen. You can't afford to hang your goalie out to dry in overtime, especially not to the most touted rookie in the league. So what's the problem? The Flyers missed plenty of scoring chances early in both games, but all teams miss chances. It's the ones you give up that matter most. In my mind, the Flyers are lacking one key component that may have saved them in both games. We've got a fairly solid defensive core--Hatcher, Rathje, Johnsson, Pitkanin. All big guys, and very physical. What we lack is the type of player that the injured Desjardins represents. Smaller, quicker, and smarter. It was Dany Markov the year before the strike that provided us with quickness and a fiery presence on the blueline. I'm not sure if the Flyers have that anymore. So while we desperately await the return of the veteran Desjardins, I'll be holding my breath in the name of our shell-shocked goalies.

Gotta Have It: Mash em Down

It's perfect timing for a Donnie Mac Attack. Break out the Louisville Slugger and let Andy know how you feel about his dominion of passing. If Donnie tried to hit this thing in the fourth quarter of a tight game, it might take him 25 tries. Unless you hung a #31 Cowboys or #20 Bucs jersey on it, in which case he could hit it left handed with his eyes closed. Especially if Andy Reid should have just told him to hand the ball off.

Japan Report

Well, the Far East has been conquered, and it was sweet. As I expected, all baseball merchandise was way too expensive to buy, so I ended up with some Hanshin Tigers pins. They have awesome sports retail stores though, and I could've bought a jersey from every major Euro soccer club, every American baseball team, and of course every Japanese baseball team. While I didn't end up with any nice jerseys or hats, I did get a chance to watch some baseball. I watched two games between the Softbank Hawks and the Yomiuri Giants. The Yomiuri Giants are like the Yankees of Japanese baseball, and they are really pretty good. A pitcher named Kudoh threw for the Giants in the first game, and apparently he was the biggest free agent acquisition in the off-season, and happened to have played for the Hawks the season before. He appeared to be roughly 60 years old, and proceeded to throw a complete game of about 150 pitches. While the Hawks had a small rally in the bottom of the 9th, he threw 5 hitless innings, and the rest were almost flawless. It was an impressive performance, especially from an apparent veteran. Regardless, the level of play is pretty good...lots of small ball, sacrifice hits and bunts, and pretty good pitching. I saw a couple other games too, and there were about two to three foreign players on each team, be it American or from some Hispanic country.
Other notable moments:
1. Monday Night Football--I got to watch Peyton school the Patriots for the first time ever on Monday Night Football. Keep in mind, this game happens on Tuesday in Japan, so they show the game taped later in the day. John Madden and Al Michaels still provide the commentary, with Japanese subtitles. I was pretty surprised to see it, considering they didn't show any other football on network TV.

2. Soccer fans--I happened to be wearing my Newcastle United jersey one night when I ran into a Japanese kid wearing a Liverpool jersey. We immediately tackled each other, and spent the rest of the night hurling unintelligible insults at one another. Good dude though.

3. Nowitzki--I saw multiple people wearing Dirk jerseys. What's up with that? I have no explanation.

4. Rebound--I had the privilege of watching this Martin Lawrence film on the flight home. It was everything I expected it to be, and I look forward to seeing it again in the future.

Hypothetical: 5 on 1

With the Eagles taking a dive off the high board into an empty pool, it looks to be high time to break into one of my favorite pastimes- sports hypotheticals. I can't get enough of these, but they only work with willing, eager participants. That's where you come in. Nothing would make me happier than to have someone thoroughly and convincingly explain to me why I am wrong and they are right. So swing for the fences, or in this case, dig in on D and rotate the ball. You are fully encouraged to take sides and present gambling lines when available.

Here's the situation, you, and five of your friends, in a regulation basketball game versus Tracy McGrady. Pick the strongest, fastest kids you know, and lace em up. Who wins?

I'm absolutely going with me and my buddies on this one. I think five guys on the floor can spread the court and move the ball all day until we get an open layup. I'm not expecting to lock him down on D, but I think we only have to stop him a couple times to come out with a W. I think he bricks a few threes, and I'm willing to go so far as to say we have an advantage on the boards. I am in no way predicting a blowout, but I definitely expect to come out with a win in either a single game, or seven game series. In a best of seven playoff situation, I would have to figure that he'll come up with one game somewhere along the line.

If you've been commenting all along, I greatly appreciate it, and please keep it up. If you're new to the comment box, here's your chance, please let everyone know how you feel. No low blows, keep it clean, touch gloves and come out fighting at the bell.

All Good Things

Guess what? I'm not all that upset about the game. Sure, I don't want to talk about it, or see a picture of Andy or Donovan, but overall, I took enough good things from the game to fill up one hand- including the thumb!

1. Mike McMahon
He looked good. And if teams play prevent for 60 minutes a game, he could be the next "Joey" Montana. And if they play him honest, Andy will finally have to run the ball. Then it's a whole new game.

2. Everyone on the defense except Lito
Two things I'm sure of about Lito- 1. He's hurt. 2. He's still better than Matt Ware. And other than Lito, and the fact that our blitzes don't get to the quarterback, we looked pretty good on D.

3. The new-look offensive line
If nothing else, it's great to see our o-line take a step forward after the snap. On the other hand, Jon Runyan took a step before the snap three times last night.

4. Taking the snap from center, and then giving it to a player that is more athletic and won't throw a horrific interception
It's great! Let's try it again next week.

5. Westbrook returning punts
Playmakers on special teams! No way.

What I've realized this season is that I hate our dink and dunk offense. I didn't like it when we were winning, and I really don't like it when we're losing. I like running the ball. I like to take control of the game and pound it out. I've been able to stem this feeling because I really like the way we play defense, and under Andy's guidance, we play about 37 minutes of defense a game. And I didn't mind. I like field position battles and 10-7 wins. If you like high scoring Colts-Chiefs game, just go into a cave, sleep it off until March, and when you get back you can watch all arena league football until your eyes bleed. And if losing on national television because you should have called three straight runs is what it takes to make Andy change his offense, I can handle it.

I wrote last week that I'm willing to concede this season for the good of the team. And these are my terms. Andy must realize that his offense does not function, and must be overhauled from the bottom up. The clock must be controlled and managed well. You absolutely have to be able to ice games when you are up 13 points with 3 minutes to play. If you cannot do these things, you will not win in the National Football League. It just won't happen. Oh, and once you finally make these changes, it's time to make them again. The NFL is an evolve or perish society. If you do not keep up with the Belichicks and the Dungys, you will be left behind in their wake. You will be trampled and left for dead.

So if losing in the most horrific way imaginable is what it takes to move the immovable, then it will be worth it. But until then...(shudder)

Green on Green Violence

Ralph Nader recently threw another log on the fire with his recent statements: "If the Eagles management declines to remedy its mistake, commissioner Tagliabue, you should intervene to overturn the team's decision, which dishonors this country's traditional respect for free speech and cheats fans of an opportunity to see arguably the best receiver in football...Let him play." He continues, "[f]ans have purchased tickets for Eagles' games, in Philadelphia and elsewhere, on the assumption that they will see one of the game's most exciting receivers, so long as he is healthy enough to play. The Eagles' action denies them this opportunity.”

Ralph is right in that 81 does have a right to free speech, but he does not address the Eagles right to run their business as they see fit. His antics were well documented and he has been made fully aware that his behavior will not be tolerated by the organization. As for his rant on the fans behalf…if you bought season tickets for the express purpose of watching one single individual in the City of Philadelphia, and it wasn’t Allen Iverson, I don’t know what to say.

Suppose Andy Reid was running a steel mill, and he has a foreman named Donothan McNabb. Donothan comes to work every day, does an exemplary job, and is respected throughout the community. After a few years, Andy decides he wants to up production, so he goes and finds the T.J., a man renowned as the best steel worker in the country. So this new worker comes in, and he raises the level of intensity in all sectors of the plant. He boosts output to unheralded levels, and is recognized by all for his efforts. Jump to one year later, and Andy sees T.J. on the news, blasting their foreman, saying that he isn’t delegating responsibility or managing assets at a high level, and questioning the pedigree of the plant in general, from top to bottom. He is brought in and given a chance to apologize, which he refuses. He then proceeds to get into a fistfight on the plant floor with an ex-employee, visiting for the afternoon. After he is suspended without pay, he holds a press conference at his house, where he expresses his sincere apologies, four days after the fact. Well, what do you think the mill owner would do? Is there any company on the face of the earth that would keep an employee like this around? No, he would have been dropped like a bad habit.

Remember the day we got T.O.? A fifth round pick and Brandon Whiting, for the best receiver of the past decade. The city was ecstatic. I drove around with my buddy Theis, listening to WIP and screaming down Henry Ave. It was the best feeling our franchises have given us since game one of the 2001 Nba finals (AKA the greatest basketball game ever played). But even then there was that voice in the back of our heads: you know, this may not end happily. Well, it didn’t. It ended terribly. And from the looks of things, it’s a long way from being over. Was he worth it? No. Would we do it again? Every single time.

Gotta Have It: Time Flies

Time flies when you're sweeping divisions and rolling through the playoffs, but it really starts to drag when you're 4-4 and just booted your top receiver. What makes the situation so frustrating, and is also the reason I'm still writing about him is that we LOVED this guy. I have never seen an athlete absolutely take over the city in such a short period. He had the every fan in the city eating bowing at his feet, and it threw it all away. I can't imagine ever seeing someone fall so far from so high in such a short period of time. Allen Iverson could threaten his wife with a handgun, kick her out of the house naked, then run into his cousin’s apartment at 3am screaming and waving a gun around, and he wouldn’t lose public favor like this.

Watching 81 fall apart after four losses, I’m started to wonder how many games might he have lasted if Donnie had gotten hurt in the preseason last year? Could he have made it through four quarters with Koy? Anyway, this 2004 calendar will be a perfect gift for anyone who either has a time machine or has no interest in what day it is and only wants to see pictures of men with no shirts on standing next to white tigers with fans blowing.

Breaking News: We're Flandereses

Philadelphia (PA) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Philadelphia Pa courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.


After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia Eagles, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Commentary:
This is what people think of us right now. John Clayton, my ESPN hero, has the Redskins winning the division, with the Giants picking up the wildcard. If we don't get behind this team fast and hard, it's gonna be a looong winter. So once you figure out what to do with your #81 jersey (I suggest mailing it back to T.O. with a gentle request for a refund, claiming that your jersey underperformed its contract), get your act together and paint your house green, stage a "playoff strike" and chain yourself to the stadium until we make the playoffs, or go on WIP and eat 15 gallons of Eagles Touchdown Sundae. Do something.

Up Down Drill

The Birds took another hit today, placing Hank Fraley on the IR, along with human battering ram Jason Short. Fraley's absence will put additional strain on an O-Line which is already handcuffed by Donovan's refusal to get rid of the ball in under five seconds. He'll be replaced from within, under the standard guidelines of Andy's "next man" theory. Short will be replaced by Dedrick Roper, hopefully the extra D in his name will help pick up the slack of a completely lackluster special teams group. In the skill position department, ex-employee #81 has been replaced by Chad Lewis, if he can make time.

Crawling Back

Eldorado took center stage today at 3, in what will certainly not be his last effort to salvage his contract and play a couple more downs. Highlights included his and Rosenhaus' hopes to play next Monday night vs. the Cowboys, as well as this gem:
Reporter: Drew, what do you feel like you've done for TO other than get him kicked off the team?
Drew: Next question.

I respect his talent, but only in the same way that I respect Mamba. That is, I think they are both an absolute joke, don't want them to have anything to do with my team, and expect them to dominate us at any and every opportunity. Other than that it's all gravy. Let me know if I'm out of line here and you think that A. We should take him back, B. You disagree because you have no respect whatsoever for him (even at the talent level), and/or C. You like Kobe's new nickname.

Update: Thus far, Dave Spadaro has put up the best column summarizing today's trainwreck.
Update: Andy Reid "No thanks"

Bobby McFerrin Time

So I turned on the TV today, and you'd never guess who they were talking about. Terrell Owens! Imagine how surprised I was to see his face on the screen. He might have had more air time than all of Sunday's 1378 active players combined. And I didn't want to talk about him, and I'm not going to waste your time giving him more ink, but his departure brings up one of the big topics I've been mulling over lately, that being a fan's long-term commitment to their team.

I love the Eagles. The earliest Eagles memory I have is losing to Washington in the 1990 wildcard game. As a child, I watched them for the next few years, and then moved away from the team for a while. Then, at the turn of the century, various forces in my life collided with the drafting of Donovan Jamal McNabb. Say what you will about the six seasons that have followed, but this team has brought a constant flow of joy to the Philadelphia fans. Given, they have come up short, but the Eagles under Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid have put together an unmatched streak of dominance. And for this I am grateful.

Every year you think you can win the Super Bowl. Some years you really mean it, and others years you are the Detroit Lions trying to play a home Super Bowl with a quarterback named Joey. We are fortunate to have meant it every year this century, and to not have our friends laugh in our faces.

As many of us having branched out of Philadelphia for school, we have brought the Eagles with us. We have gone to Arizona, to Boston, to California, to DC, and to New York. We have dusted off our jerseys and trodded down to the bar in our jerseys, proudly wearing the numbers of McNabb, Duce, Dawkins, Ritchie, and even Pinkston. We have ridden in a car with a Cowboys fan against the grain on one-way streets 50 miles per hour in two feet of snow to collect on a $50 bet. We have smashed twelve beers on our foreheads in front of 30,000 people in a losing effort. We have downloaded every shitty Eagles rap song that comes out mid-January.

And of course there have been some tough times. Taking a four point lead into the half against “the greatest show on turf.” Ronde Barber running 92 yards with our season in his hand. Brentson Buckner tearing Donovan’s rib cartilage as we put up 3 points at home. Andy Reid’s watch breaking against the Pats.

We’ve seen a lot of Eagles games, and we’re going to see a lot more. Every game feels important, and that is great. The fact that we have a team that we want to watch every week is a very special thing. Imagine waking up every Sunday, getting together with your friends, and trying to think of three reasons to be excited about watching your Cleveland Browns. Or try this: you’ve got work at 9 on Tuesday, which means you have to get up at 7 to take the Path Train to the uptown subway to make it in on time. What on earth are you going do to get excited about staying up until 1 AM to watch your 2005 New York Jets get beat up and down the field for sixty minutes? I gotta believe that it’s better to be let down than to never be in it in the first place.

We will remember all of these moments. We take the good with the bad. And this recap brings me to my point. Remember, this is coming from someone who definitively thinks the season is not lost. I’m willing to sacrifice this season for the future of this franchise. I can make it this year without a trophy. I can lean on the past, and look forward to the future. The window is not closing, it just needs some repairs. Take a look at the roster. It is young, deep, and talented. We’ve got speed and we’ve got power. We’ve got offense and we’ve got defense. In the long run, we’ll be able to look at this as just one more year where we didn’t quite make it. Andy and Joe took a flyer on a loose canon and the kickback blew up the fort. So they ditched him and we move on. Five is hurt and if he doesn’t get it together we will not make the playoffs. Unless he can get his head on straight and the O-Line can keep it there, making the playoffs will barely be a blessing. But they are doing the right thing. We’ve all put a lot into this season and those before it. And it might be a tough summer, but next year we’ll get up and do it again. This had to happen, and if it costs us one year, it’ll be worth it when we finally bring home the hardware.

Time to Make Some Lemonade

Four and Four. The first half is over. There’s nothing to do but forget about what happened, and look forward to the next eight games. And although we looked awful tonight, and although it seems like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, all is not lost.

Moving forward, we have a couple things going for us. First off, try and forget the botched fake snap, the inability to beat the blitz, and the game-ending interception. He did move well tonight, didn’t he? Isn’t that worth cracking a smile over? He was more or less accurate, and it if he could cut down the lawnmower passes and the passes into double coverage maybe he can do a little damage. Maybe? Just a little?

And perhaps the defense could step it up a little. A couple tackles from Lito; a sack from Trotter, who knows? Anything could happen. Hey, maybe the coverage teams will make a play before the 30, and maybe the refs won’t blow five calls every night.

While there are a lot of maybes floating around, here are six mortal locks for the next eight games.

1. Five of them are at home. There’s no place like home. Even if the fans are calling for Koy, and it’s 35 degrees out with a windchill of 14, at least you slept in your bed and drove your car to work.

2. The Green Bay Packers are terrible. I’ve watched them. You’ve watched them. This point is beyond debate.

3. The Arizona Cardinals are really terrible. Anytime you’re playing a platoon at QB with Josh McCown and Kurt Warner, you have problems that aren’t getting solved.

4. The Rams are the Rams. Mike Martz or no Mike Martz, you just can’t lose to these guys. It can’t happen

5. We play the Seahawks on Monday night, at home. I haven’t figured out how we’re gonna beat them, but it’s a fact that this game will happen. That much I am certain of.

6. We are not getting swept by the NFC East one year after sweeping the NFC East. It can’t happen and it won’t happen. At this point it looks bad, but we’ll figure one of the three teams out at least once. I hope it’s the Cowboys. I really do.

So if we don’t beat ourselves against Green Bay, Arizona, St. Louis, and Seattle, and we win two of the four remaining division games, well that’s 10-6. I remember a time when 10-6 was a parade record. There are 25+ teams in this league that would kill for ten wins. So put down your silk robe and crumpets and quit acting like a bunch of spoiled brat fans. We’re still gonna make the playoffs, we’re gonna beat some lousy teams, and as I said a long time ago, we only have to beat one team from the AFC to take home the trophy.

T.O. Flash

News is circulating that T.O. has not been suspended, Andy has chosen to "keep his options open" and has him listed as inactive. This seems important, but at this point I don't see how anyone can take either of them seriously.

One In, One Out

The wheels keep turning down at the NovaCare complex, as a multi-altercation week led to the departure of Terell Eldorado Owens. Owens definitely said we'd be better off with Brett Favre and called the organization "classless," and reportedly exchanged blows with Hugh Douglas before challenging anyone else in the building who wanted a piece. His grandma then quickly got his bottle to him and was able to diffuse the situation.

It's not hard to tell that we're a better team with him, and that we'll suffer in his absence, but it was to the point where it was to costly to have him around. Especially in a season where the gameplan is coming under weekly scrutiny, King Andy could not afford to have a malcontent on his side of the fence. It would be a strech at this point to expect Owens to step on the field as an Eagle again.

In another suprise move, management finally wrapped up Westrbrook with a 5 year $25 million contract. It's about time will be the rallying cry on this occassion. Happy as I am with keeping Brian, by most accounts the key to our offense, I am just as happy to see the shift in NFL thinking. Pro halfbacks can no longer be measured by carries and rushing yards, and Westbrook is a player who can usher in the era of touches and yards from scrimmage. Even if you think he got overpaid, have fun coloring in the picture.

And the best news of the day is that tonight's Eagles game will be broadcast on ABC, which means we should be able to avoid 3+ hours of Theismann, Maguire, and Patrick. Now all we have to worry about is winning the game.

Can't Get Enough Gotta Have it: Once You Pop...

We all know that every touchdown begins with T.O., but who knew that every tailgate can begin the same way. These peanuts are guaranteed to outperform their contract and verbally embarrass any other snacks you bring along. Also, if they reach any peanut milestones (most consecutive seasons with superior flavor, highest honey per nut, etc.) they will lash out at the team and then recind their comments later in the day. These nuts were upgraded to questionable earlier in the week when the bratwurst missed practice with a rib contusion. Click here for the peanut brittle, Josh.

Gotta Have It: 4 Long Years

Or six if you want to go for the masters. You'll have to sign up for the PhD program if you want to learn anything about running the ball, a topic not covered in Andy's seminar series. Short passes and diffusing emotional timebombs are discussed in minute detail. The scary part is that this diploma is better looking than the one NYU gave me, although it does lack a little substance.

It Was a Graveyard Smash

I don't like to post links too often, but just in case you haven't seen Mike Tyson and Bobby Brown singing "Monster Mash," well, here you go. I think the dancing really puts it over the top. It's not too often that you see the lead singer overshadowed by the backup, but it's also not that often that you see Mike Tyson dressed up like Eddie Munster, either.

Golden Showers Bring Dead Flowers

Here's an award you never saw coming for Bobby "Analog" Abreu: a gold glove. Go ahead, admire the marvelous luster. Word is that after Andruw Jones and Jim Edmonds were given their annual trophy, the voters put their heads together for long enough to come up with this sterling choice, which comes as a complete joke to anyone who watches Bobby misjudge balls off the wall and lose them in the sun on a daily basis. Today's Inquirer reports that "some managers and coaches who vote on the awards do so based on offensive performance," which is a terrible excuse, but brings a modicum of understanding to the situation. On the heels of Bobby's startling accolade, David Bell and Mike Lieberthal are neck and neck in the NL "Clutch Contributor" award voting.

Half Full: Sailing With Magellan

We're through week 8 in the NFL, so who’s ready for the 2005-2006 National Whistleball Association season! Before getting into the Sixers’ shot at the Larry O’Brien Trophy, let me take some a couple minutes to explain the history and rules of the fine sport which we are all set to enjoy.

Over the past decade, it has become evident to the NBA bigwigs that the average player has become far more athletic and degrees of magnitude stronger than the men for whom Dr. James Naismith created the game. Coupled with the growing disinterest in defense that is prevalent in all major American sports save NASCAR (where contact is fully encouraged and embraced by my account), the game of basketball at the professional level has become an offensive spectacle which David Stern and Co. have deemed “too entertaining” for the average fan.

In order that Joe Everyman should be able to enjoy the game and not feel bad about the fact that he himself has no interest in defense, the NBA brass has decided that they should put three teams on the court at a time. Said third team should consist of obnoxious older men of poor eyesight and medium to fair athletic ability who will wear uniforms consisting of black and white vertical stripes. Since these men would have trouble gaining control of ten other, much larger men, they are given noisemaking devices which they can use to stop the game at any juncture they deem necessary.

Which brings us to the present-day game, controlled not by the athletes themselves, but by men who can do a much more satisfactory job in controlling the outcome of the game to assure results which will please the NBA marketing department.

A couple brief thoughts on the Sixers, I think they’re the fourth best team in the conference, behind the Heat, Pistons, and Pacers, which makes them the #3 seed in the East. This will rely on the performance of two players, Chris Webber and Andre Iguodala. As long as Andre stayed in the gym and Chris stayed out of it, we should be in pretty good shape to take control of the game’s weakest division. Please disregard every nice thing I have ever said about our team if Andrew Bogut puts 20 and 10 on us tonight.

Note: As i was finishing this post, Iverson drew the first whistle of the season, 44 seconds into the game.

Half Empty: Oh Sixers...what will happen this year?

So tonight begins another baskeball season. We all know the NBA is only a shell of what it once was; there's no more Jordan, there's no more Bird, and hell....there's no more Vlade. It's a league of one on one players, and it seems like outside of Phantom of the Palace Rip Hamilton, no one can make a jumper. The Sixers made the playoffs last year behind more heroics from AI, but were vanquished in the first round by the defending champs. No one was too surprised, and when the Pistons went deep into the playoffs for the second straight year, Sixers fans chalked up our poor performance to a tough draw. So the offseason began. Jimmy O gets thrown out with the bathwater, even though the Sixers are now currently still paying off the contracts from our previous 38 coaches. In comes Mo Cheeks. Legend. Jersey up in the rafters. Fan Favorite. So what's in store for AI and the gang this year?

First thing to consider...has the Atlantic division gotten any stronger? Hardly. New Jersey might benefit from having Vincanity all season long, but then again they might be hurt by having him all season long. Have the Sixers gotten any stronger? Well they have a new and assumedly better coach. AI and Webber should have had some time to mesh a little more, in addition to Webber meshing with the rest of the team as well. They added Michael Bradley, Steven Hunter, and a couple rookies. So really the biggest change is in the coach. The rest of the Eastern Conference hasn't changed too drastically either, so it should play out fairly similarly. AI is a year older...maybe not so durable anymore, and obviously the same with Webber. I think he's going to be forced to miss more games than ever before, and the Sixers will clearly suffer for it. Look for a bigger contribution from the bench (including Korver), but not enough scoring outside of AI to present a real threat to any good team. They'll make the playoffs, but unless this team gels in a way that they haven't for the past two seasons, get ready for another early exit.

Off to the land of the Rising Sun

So tomorrow morning I leave for, that's right, Japan. While I'm going for musical reasons, I plan to come back with a full report on what I can glean from Japanese sports culture. It's a shame baseball isn't being played right now (although maybe things are backwards there and the season is just starting), because I'd love to see fans going crazy for baseball like it was Liverpool versus Madrid in the Champion's League. I do plan on buying some sweet Japanese baseball gear though, maybe a new glove, maybe some jerseys, you know....whatever I can afford. So nothing of course. Other than the obvious culture shock, what do you think I should expect from Japan? A land famous for weird fetishes, extreme politeness, and total respect for men with sweet beards like myself. Really when it comes down to it, I have not a damn clue.

The Energizer Donnie

He keeps throwing, and throwing and throwing...

Let's get ahead of ourselves a little bit and jump right to the start of the fourth quarter. Eagles are driving, down 28-21. They have just dealt Denver their third straight three and out, running the ball on only three of their nine plays. It's starting to rain. At this point you would be crazy to think Denver could come out of this one alive. They had blown two straight fourth quarter leads, and we've got the ball at their 44. I proudly pronounce that the game is in Five's hands. And we keep throwing, and throwing, and throwing. The breaks start going our way, as Shanahan loses his first challenge of the game. And here's where it all falls apart.

Donovan drops back, sees man coverage over the middle, where Reggie Brown has gained position on rookie CB Domonique Foxworth. He puts it up, and it's complete, only to the wrong player. Three minutes later, touchdown. Another three minutes, touchdown. Six more minutes, touchdown. Game over.

The loss was tough, but this was a game we could afford to lose. Overall we went 3-1 against the AFC West, although it felt a lot closer to 1-3, and we were behind in fourth quarter against all four teams except KC, where we were down 11 at the half and square after 3. And I've always said that if you're gonna lose a game, this is the way to lose it. Get blown out. Get humiliated. Have something to prove. It's nice to squeak out a few wins where we get lucky, but I'll take a loss like this over a last second field goal any Sunday. Would you rather have a girl lead you on all night, ordering $8 cocktails, staying close by your side, and then skirting out when the bar closes in some dude’s Benz SL, or have her just throw a drink in your face at eleven, giving you three solid hours to rebound?

But the loss wasn’t the scary part. What got me was that Donnie looked good for a while. He danced a bit, hit a few guys in stride (don’t forget about Greg Lewis’ drop), and scampered for a first down to keep a drive alive. We all assumed that Donnie’s not himself right now, and he’s fighting through and trying to make the best of a ghastly situation. Well, what if he is himself? What if he’s gotten used to the pain, understands his slight limitations, and still just can’t get the job done? The last thing this team can afford is for 5 to lose the respect of his teammates. What was once unthinkable, is now looming on the horizon. These guys are not happy, and they are not battling the situation in a constructive manner. I know I don’t have much to go on, but shots of the bench show players sitting alone, or visibly complaining. How much longer can it go on?

Here’s the next scary part. One team from the NFC North and one from the West have to make the playoffs. It’s a rule. It’s terrible. If the Bears don’t come out of the North I won’t even know which way is up. And the thought of Seattle dropping passes all through the playoffs again is mortifying. What this means is that the top two teams in the East and South are in almost regardless of their record. And if we don’t get our act together, we’re in prime position to miss the boat to Detroit.

And here's the scariest part. Andy is moving closer and closer towards Martyland. Fanstatic Monday-Saturday coach, but watching him on Sunday is about as fun as trying to get an ocelot to mate with Cher. You couldn't ask for a better break than to have the best WR in the league matched up with a CB playing with a dislocated shoulder and a bum hammy. They finally made it happen, turning a quick hitch into a 91-yard trip to the endzone, but it was more of a "where was that play all game" than a "he's got it figured out now" situation. I guess the lesson is, if it looks like a stubborn guy with a mustache and a playbook, and it acts like a stubborn guy with a playbook....

What's going on here fellas?

After coming out to that 28-0 start, I'll admit I wasn't too optimistic about where the game yesterday was going. A weak offensive start, a weak defensive start, and once again a lack of fresh play-calling left me thinking...what exactly did they practice this week after barely squeaking out a W last week against the Chargers?

We had a few moments of good play, both on offense and defense, but really the team didn't look much different than last week. All the passing (which was expected), with a few extra run plays thrown in for good measure, probably left the Broncos wondering when we were gonna pull out the trick plays. Less play-action, no real usage of Lamar Gordon, and amazingly enough it didn't even seem like we took enough advantage of Champ Bailey's injury.

So what's in store for the future? Everyone knows 5 is hurt and his mobility is hampered. He got hit so many times in the first couple drives that I thought he wouldn't finish the game. He did make a nice little 11 yard run, but it was nothing to write home about. We gave up over 200 yards on the ground, and while you had to see something big coming there, they let the Snake throw for over 300 yards, and didn't pick him once. I thought the Eagles might have another game like last week....slow offense, huge defense. So next week, let's see something huge so I don't have to listen to the football pundits badmouth Philly and the Eagles anymore. And please, can they score first this Sunday?

On to the Flyers. While they've continued to win games, they've also continued to have some of the worst third periods I've ever seen. Anyone catch that game against the Hurricanes the other night? They did us worse than they did New Orleans (is it in bad taste to say that? I know Katrina didn't score 5 3rd period goals). Just a horrific let-down. The Flyers have gotten into this trend of getting so many penalties in the final frame that Ken Hitchcock's gray hair is getting noticably grayer. In this new NHL, penalties, although clearly unavoidable since you get two minutes for having a bad skating stride, are the ULTIMATE ENEMY. You can see Esche get nervous when someone goes to the box, as if those new small pads of his make him just a little scared of those big guns from the point. But like I said last week, Hitch is too good of a coach to let these third period woes continue much longer. Not to mention we've still managed to win most of our games. And Forsberg? They don't call him the best player in the world for nothing.

Tap the Rockies

I haven't thought that we were going to lose a game in about three years, and I'm not about to start now. The last game that I was remotely concerned about was the Super Bowl, but I had been preparing to be terrified of Tom Brady for a couple seasons by then, so I was already in good shape. The Chargers could have concerned me as they did 60,000 other fans in the Linc last Sunday, but whenever we have two weeks to scout a club I develop a healthy level of confidence. And here we go, 1,732 miles west and 5,280 feet up into Mile High Stadium. So here are six reasons why I am not at all worried about this game.

1. Jaaaake!
What has two thumbs, a moustache, and absolutely can't be trusted to win a game on his own? This guy. Roscoe P. Coldchain really nailed it on 'I'm Not You': "ak, you put no fear in my heart." Every Jake Plummer start should be "Defibrillator Day" at Mile High. By the way, John Elway should go around punching anyone in the face that calls it Invesco.

2. King Andy
Maybe the only reason I haven't abandoned Andy yet is that I'm just as stubborn as he is. If Andy had been on the Titanic, you could dive down 12,500 feet and find his cold dead skeleton standing with its hands on its hips staring off the bow. And if you think we're running the ball more than 25 times Sunday you're crazier than a hooker in a health insurance agency.

3. The Run D/ Jim Johnson
You want to beat us with Jeb Putzier and Ashlie Lelie? You want Jake throwing the 30 balls? Well too bad, cause that's all you're getting. Jim Johnson laid down the blueprint last week, and he's about to unveil another masterpiece. The reason we can lose to a team like the cowboys is that they don't do anything especially well, so it's hard to key in on a strength and shut it down. Well, here comes a team that has run the same playbook going on six seasons. They know they want to run, you they know they want to run, and you know how they're going to run. Once we shut down Tatum and Mike Anderson, Jake can start connecting with his new favorite receivers, Jeremiah Trotter, Dhani Jones, Sheldon Brown, and Brian Dawkins.

4. The New York Giants and the Miami Dolphins
Face it. These are not good teams. I really like Nick Saban, I'm kind of a closet Tiki fan, and I'm coming around on Eli. But these are not franchises that fans are clammoring about. These are also the two teams that have beaten the Broncos this year. Well, this means Denver's got problems that they aren't gonna solve versus a powerhouse team. Sorry guys, try again next week.

5. Five!
Remember when Jordan came back for the Wizards, and tried to play his old game for a while? Well, he back rimmed a few breakaway dunks, missed 18 game winners in the All Star game (followed by a super dubious foul on Kobe that put him on the line down two to shoot three, where he promptly bricks his first (classic Kobe shenanigans) and hit the next two to send the game to OT. Anyway, Jordan soon realized that he wasn't the same player and evolved into the man affectionately known as "Floor Jordan." (Probably my favorite second nickname). Well, this is what's happening to Donnie as we speak. He's taking brutal 10 yard sacks, missing guys deep instead of his trademark groundballs, and slowly realizing that he's about as quick as the average D end and slightly more agile than most D tackles. But Five is still smarter than the average bear and will find a way to snatch a few more pic-a-nic baskets until he is able to get his off season maintenance program underway. So enjoy "Floor McNabb," he's all we've got.

6. Champ
Champ's good. Really good. In a league where CBs have to play with their hands in the pockets to stay out of a sea of yellow flags, he's probably the best around. But he is not a man on man shutdown corner, and if Ol' Shannahan leaves him out there on an island he's gonna find this out the hard way. But he'll try, and I'm really looking forward to the return of the deep ball era. Don't forget, every touchdown begins with T.O

Gotta Have It: Eagles Luggage

It took me a couple minutes to get over the fact that they actually make this, then a few more thinking about the over/under on trips until it breaks (let the betting start at 4.5). Then I wondered about who might buy it, which is basically anyone who likes the Eagles (everyone), and anyone who doesn't have luggage (no one). When's the last time you saw someone traveling with a handful of clothes and toiletries and such? Those people just throw their stuff in a trash bag and take greyhound (I support this from deep within the cockles of my heart).

After about 30 minutes I was finally able to think about the significance of a piece of Eagles luggage. If it brings you the clock management skills of Andy Reid, you'd miss your flight by about 15 seconds every time. On the way, you would miss two cabs, one subway, and then throw a 5 yard pass to LJ Smith who would then be tackled immediately by two linebackers and a safety. I guess the moral is that you should just be happy it's not Herm Edwards brand luggage. You'd probably miss the plane by three and a half days and end up with Vinny Testaverde as your co-pilot.

Wednesday Fever

Reports are swirling that our favorite wounded Eagle, Donovan McNabb, has contracted the avian flu. Starting in East Asia, the flu has migrated west through Europe, south to Africa, and has finally settled in the United States. More to follow on this breaking story, as outside consultant Julie Zied contintues her tireless quest for the truth.

I'm So Sleeeeepy

Looks like I missed another great one last night. I guess the only thing left to do is pack up my stuff and move west. I haven't watched the second half of a Monday night football game in a month, and I've only seen the final out in one of the World Series games so far. Stark contrast to last season, when I got home from work at midnight, and only got to watch games that went into extras.

The point is, I have nothing to say about the game except that you should read Jayson Starks' ESPN column, because at least he watched the damn thing.

It's a W, folks.

10 is the magic number
To Jim Harbaugh and the special teams, who managed to turn the game around with a blocked field goal and TD runback, all while putting only 10 players on the field. Check the tape, its unreal. Let the record show that it was so quiet in the stadium before this play that you could have heard a worm fart. And it would have been hilarious.

Rick James Cold Blooded fact of the game
San Diego is playing with an ungodly schedule that includes four trips to the east coast and 10 games against 2004 playoff teams. Oh, and their last three games (Pittsburgh, at Oakland, at Philly) have all come against teams fresh off a bye week.

Yao Ming Play of the game
To Quentin Mikell's game breaking blocked kick. In the post-game press conference, Quentin relayed the information that in watching film they had found a weakness in the left side of the Chargers field goal unit, allowing them to pressure the outside, and get through untouched. This is the kind of thing NFL teams find out when they can spend two weeks scouting you.

Randall Cunningham stubborn player of the game
I love Five, but when is he gonna realize that he's not outrunning anyone? Get rid of the rock big fella. How many sacks must a fat man take, before he can sleep in the sand?

Jessica Alba Strip of the game
After Quentin broke the game open, Sheldon saved it with a righteous rip after Reche Caldwell had broken free in the secondary. Extra special considering the double safety blitz that left him as the last line of defense.

Michael Irvin Push-off of the game
To Reche Caldwell, who put the toasted Lito's bread on the first big play of the game. The first of many many many questionable calls by the zebra crew.

Jevon Kease Milk Carton Award
To Mike Lewis, whose name wouldn't have been called once Sunday if he hadn't gotten beat for 6 by Antonio Gates. Isn't this guy in a contract year? The NFL needs a symposium where Jerome James, Lamar Odom, Mark Blount, Adonal Foyle, Erick Dampier come in and lecture the players on the long and short term benefits of their situation. The best part would be the stunned silence followed by uproarious laughter from the basketball players when someone asks "But don't you play hard every year?"

This touchdown was brought to you by the Zebras in America award
How about those 35 penalty yards we picked up en route to our only offensive touchdown of the day? Nothing beats two flags for roughing the passer in three plays. I thought we subbed in Cooper Manning for a second there.

Marty Schottenheimer drive of the game
Run, run, run, blocked field goal. Martyball at its finest.

Thomas Edison Innovative Defensive Gamplan Award
To the Eagles, who broke out the old 4-4-4 defensive not once, but twice, followed by a ten man line on the blocked kick.

Right Place Right Time Award
To Darwin Walker, who somehow found his way 20 yards downfield to recover Sheldon's last minute strip. How a defensive tackle got there first I'll never figure.

And the Game Ball goes to:
Jim Johnson, whose gameplan will be the defensive blueprint used by every team until someone finds a better way to hold LaDanian to 7 yards on 17 carries.

Weird, wild stuff

Somehow lost in between the Chisox two miracle home runs was an unreal play when the Stros tied the game on a Jose Vizcaino single. Situation: Jeff Bagwell on third, Chris Burke on second. Runners move on the hit, but Burke hasn't gotten to third yet when Podsednik (+ arm) uncorked his throw home. Well, the throw was slightly off line, but somehow Burke comes charging, makes a pretty slide, and it's six-all. This all happenend minutes after I bet my buddy James he couldn't bowl 100 left-handed, followed by a gutter ball, then a strike. Remarkable turn of events, rendered irrelevant by a walk-off home run by Podsednik, who hadn't hit a dinger during the entire regular season.

Which brings me to my second point, kids...Don't do crack.

I recently found out that LaDanian asked Lawrence Taylor if he could have his nickname, and Taylor granted it to him. This was the only condition under which I would ever accept this travesty. I still think he should be LD (although a nickname demonstrating some actually creativity would be fantastic).Either way, after Sunday's game his name certainly wasn't anything close to TD.

On the subject of nicknames, here's a chance for Curious George to step in a yield a little presidential power. For a history of one thing that he is actually competent at, check out this great list of Bushy monikers.


Sheldon is the steak to Lito's sizzle.

Darwin may have been the missing piece the last few weeks. He was the stuffing in Jim Johnson's Blitzgiving holiday dinner.

Really weak showing by the 12th man. You could feel the nervous energy in the parking lot before the game, and although the crowd went wild before every time Drew Brees was under center, as soon as took the snap you could feel the air get sucked out of the building followed by a audible sigh of relief. This happened no less than 54 times, and it was brutal every time. It's tough watching your team pass 25 straight times, let leads slip away, and lose to the Cowboys. But there's only 8 home games a year, and the birds need everything we've got. Understand that I am not in any way condemning booing, which is absoultely has its place, but if you aren't booing, you gotta be cheering. It's the middle ground that kills me. This team doesn't owe you one damn thing, and if you take them for granted you need to give your ticket to someone who will get behind them.

The running game. Yeah; what running game. The way I see it, it's fine if you don't want to run the rock. I get the whole "our run is a short pass," and that's all well and good, but here's the thing: you can't do anything in the NFL for 4 straight seasons and be successful anymore. There are 5-10 coaches on every team who are paid to watch tape 18 hours a day, and nothing is getting by these dudes. And once one team figures out how to stop you, everyone knows. Remember our great gameplan from last years Conference championship? Half of our sets were straight from the Atlanta/Chiefs game when KC put them down by 46 points. Notice how the Colts can't complete a deep pass and Peyton has thrown a pick over half his games? Well the league picked up on what Belichick saw: rush 3 and drop 8 into coverage. The NFL is well known as a copycat league, but it also a league where innovators take home the trophy. And don't bother taking the Steelers here, they've run run run their way to exactly one conference title in the Cowher era. What worked yesterday will not work tomorrow. But since Andy is too stubborn to change, let's just hope we have the horses to get through while we have a shot.

Once the fire alarm went off, which the Zebras took as seriously as the Chargers took Donnie's play fakes, this officially became the strangest game I have ever been to. My buddy Mike, who graciously took me to the game, noted that "a helicopter could land on the field and no one would notice." This was soon followed by the dude next to us calling "blocked kick, TD return," and promptly losing every part of his mind. Which was subsequently followed by a brutal replay where we knew we were in the right and couldn't do anything but wait to see if we'd get hosed.

Every coaches' favorite play: U Victory. Take a knee fellas.

You can't be serious

Jermaine Dye gets on base on a questionable hit-by-pitch call (actually it very clearly hit his bat), and then Konerko hits a grand slam on the first pitch. Someone out there in the umpire's union must really want the Sox to win. Or maybe it's a south Florida anti-Castro consortium pulling some strings so that Fidel will feel extra bad about defectors Contreras and Hernandez. Either way the Astros got hosed.