Friday, October 28

Tap the Rockies


I haven't thought that we were going to lose a game in about three years, and I'm not about to start now. The last game that I was remotely concerned about was the Super Bowl, but I had been preparing to be terrified of Tom Brady for a couple seasons by then, so I was already in good shape. The Chargers could have concerned me as they did 60,000 other fans in the Linc last Sunday, but whenever we have two weeks to scout a club I develop a healthy level of confidence. And here we go, 1,732 miles west and 5,280 feet up into Mile High Stadium. So here are six reasons why I am not at all worried about this game.

1. Jaaaake!
What has two thumbs, a moustache, and absolutely can't be trusted to win a game on his own? This guy. Roscoe P. Coldchain really nailed it on 'I'm Not You': "ak, you put no fear in my heart." Every Jake Plummer start should be "Defibrillator Day" at Mile High. By the way, John Elway should go around punching anyone in the face that calls it Invesco.

2. King Andy
Maybe the only reason I haven't abandoned Andy yet is that I'm just as stubborn as he is. If Andy had been on the Titanic, you could dive down 12,500 feet and find his cold dead skeleton standing with its hands on its hips staring off the bow. And if you think we're running the ball more than 25 times Sunday you're crazier than a hooker in a health insurance agency.

3. The Run D/ Jim Johnson
You want to beat us with Jeb Putzier and Ashlie Lelie? You want Jake throwing the 30 balls? Well too bad, cause that's all you're getting. Jim Johnson laid down the blueprint last week, and he's about to unveil another masterpiece. The reason we can lose to a team like the cowboys is that they don't do anything especially well, so it's hard to key in on a strength and shut it down. Well, here comes a team that has run the same playbook going on six seasons. They know they want to run, you they know they want to run, and you know how they're going to run. Once we shut down Tatum and Mike Anderson, Jake can start connecting with his new favorite receivers, Jeremiah Trotter, Dhani Jones, Sheldon Brown, and Brian Dawkins.

4. The New York Giants and the Miami Dolphins
Face it. These are not good teams. I really like Nick Saban, I'm kind of a closet Tiki fan, and I'm coming around on Eli. But these are not franchises that fans are clammoring about. These are also the two teams that have beaten the Broncos this year. Well, this means Denver's got problems that they aren't gonna solve versus a powerhouse team. Sorry guys, try again next week.

5. Five!
Remember when Jordan came back for the Wizards, and tried to play his old game for a while? Well, he back rimmed a few breakaway dunks, missed 18 game winners in the All Star game (followed by a super dubious foul on Kobe that put him on the line down two to shoot three, where he promptly bricks his first (classic Kobe shenanigans) and hit the next two to send the game to OT. Anyway, Jordan soon realized that he wasn't the same player and evolved into the man affectionately known as "Floor Jordan." (Probably my favorite second nickname). Well, this is what's happening to Donnie as we speak. He's taking brutal 10 yard sacks, missing guys deep instead of his trademark groundballs, and slowly realizing that he's about as quick as the average D end and slightly more agile than most D tackles. But Five is still smarter than the average bear and will find a way to snatch a few more pic-a-nic baskets until he is able to get his off season maintenance program underway. So enjoy "Floor McNabb," he's all we've got.

6. Champ
Champ's good. Really good. In a league where CBs have to play with their hands in the pockets to stay out of a sea of yellow flags, he's probably the best around. But he is not a man on man shutdown corner, and if Ol' Shannahan leaves him out there on an island he's gonna find this out the hard way. But he'll try, and I'm really looking forward to the return of the deep ball era. Don't forget, every touchdown begins with T.O

3 comments:

Armando said...

You made me feel so much better about a game that I...well I know we're gonna win too. I'll also bet we don't run more than 15 times.

phlintern4 said...

hmmm between this and the red sox column your bold predictions aren't looking too hot.

Anonymous said...

IN COM PLETE!!!!