Thursday, November 10

Breaking News: We're Flandereses

Philadelphia (PA) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Philadelphia Pa courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia Eagles, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

This is what people think of us right now. John Clayton, my ESPN hero, has the Redskins winning the division, with the Giants picking up the wildcard. If we don't get behind this team fast and hard, it's gonna be a looong winter. So once you figure out what to do with your #81 jersey (I suggest mailing it back to T.O. with a gentle request for a refund, claiming that your jersey underperformed its contract), get your act together and paint your house green, stage a "playoff strike" and chain yourself to the stadium until we make the playoffs, or go on WIP and eat 15 gallons of Eagles Touchdown Sundae. Do something.


zach said...

Funny thing: I'm always pleading for optimism and redemption from the Greenbleeder; when my team fails, or disappoints, I look here to see what happened, and more importantly, to get that upside I need so bad.

But Hal, you may be morphing into a crazy person/unreliable witness. I've never seen such cheerleading about team in worse shape. Well, except me during the next Red Sox season...OK, whatever, keep up the good work.

z said...

if you're really a fan, i'm not sure what the alternative to blind optimism is. i wore my manning jersey every sunday last year even when he had dropped something like six straight starts.