Tuesday, August 30

Who Slams Harder?

In the spirit of Jim Johnson's new dedication to toughness, here's an old article describing one of my all-time favorite Eagles hits. As if the hit wasn't tough enough on Vick, the play was called back for holding, negating the touchdown. And watching Dawkins sprint along the goal line, it was completely clear that he had no intention of preventing the score, and just wanted to put into Vick's mind that this is not the Edward Jones Dome, and you can't just go hopping around all day. Hollis Thomas didn't take it any easier on him last year, absolutely mauling him at the 5 yard line, in case he needed a reminder. Not to mention Dawkins giving Alge Crumpler a nice technicolor yawn on a floater over the middle from Vick. It's hits like these that make Jim J's new approach all the more interesting, as you wonder just how much more damage the Birds can inflict. And even though no one cares about the preseason, it's worthwile to note that the first team defense has only let up 3 points so far.

Monday, August 29

Thoughts from the game

If I was a head coach who knew that the other team was going deep on the first play of the game, a play which leaves a safety in man to man deep coverage would not be my first choice.

Trotter is ready. Really, really ready. Looking at the schedule, we only play two true pass-first teams this year (Rams and Niners, with the Raiders as a possibility). 54 could put up 175 tackles this year. I'm absolutely not kidding.

The phrase that comes to mind most often when I see Terrell Owens on the field is "in another class." He really makes defenses look meager. Once he gets into the secondary, he's got a phsyical advantage over any single player.

Great pick by Lito in the flat while in zone coverage. Wiped out by hands to the face by Rod Hood.

45! Thornburg again made a big play, coming of the edge to stuff a run for a five yard loss. He's this years Jason Short on ST. I hope Jason Short can be this years Ike Reese.

Finally a big play from second round pick Matt McCoy (LB #51). Was not fooled at all by play action inside the 5 yard line, and smothered Craig Krenzel for a 7 yard loss.

Another guy making defenses look like high schoolers is Ryan Moats. Can't wait to see him against first-teamers.

No awards this week, but a tip of the cap to Greg Lewis for his one-handed 27 yard TD catch. Said Lewis: "so I decided to catch it with one hand. It was just the usual for me."

Sunday, August 28

Do you see what happens?

King Andy memo to Eagles malcontents: We do not need you. You can only be a pain in the ass for so many preseaons in a row before management sends you out in the real world to find out one of two things: 1) Your talent is irrelevant, and it is the scheme, and not you that makes the difference (Shaun Barber, Jeremiah Trotter, Hugh Douglas) or 2) You were already overpaid, and you're about to see what your real market value is (Corey Simon in two weeks). What Joe Banner is planning to do with this money I have no idea, but I'd say Hollis and Westbrook have already knocked on his door a couple times. We'll miss the talent that Corey brought to the table, and if he had played first and second downs as hard as he did third and fourth, I think they would have locked him up a while back. As far as his future, the Ravens and the Bills loom as possibilities, and I'd put about 30-1 odds on him having a conference call with Trot and Hugh about the best route to crawl to Andy's office without scuffing up your suit.

Thursday, August 25

Well, we do need a power back

"I've gotten to a point where I realize that happiness doesn't come from the outside."
It comes from the inside, where I can hide from everyone and mostly just not play football. As far as things that will never happen, I've been wondering how high a draft pick it would take to swing Ricky and David Boston our way. I'd say a 3rd should do it, but maybe Miami will want a second rounder back now that they realize how bad we fleeced them on the A.J. Feeley trade. Ricky and David could really help #81 take his circus on the road. They would all be too shy to ever talk to each other. And the crazy thing is, I have so much faith in King Andy that I honestly believe he could handle it.
Thanks to Lucy for the quote and pic.

Hood is the truth, but here's why I love Sheldon

Here's something you'll never hear out of Deion: "Who wants to just be a corner and do nothing but cover receivers?" Sheldon is a corner right out of the Jim Johnson Brian Dawkins books of Eagles defense. What's even better about his play is that it follows up the "make a big play or get burnt" technique employeed by Bobby "The Blanket" Taylor during his final Eagles seasons. I don't want to take anything away from his glory days, but Bobby and Troy were brutal once Lito and Sheldon came aboard (think NFC championship vs. Carolina). Much praise to the old lions for taking the time to be solid mentors to the youngsters, but thank god Sheldon and Lito learned from their words and not from their examples. Be sure to read the rest of what Sheldon had to say here.

They'll play catch, but they won't enjoy it

First glance at the new and even more annyoning Terrell Owens will come this friday vs. the Bengals. King Andy has the first team slated to play into the 3rd quarter, which should give T.O. enough time to strike up a friendship with Bengals CBs Tory James and Deltha O'Neal while roundly avoiding actual teammate Donovan McNabb. Expect notes and awards on Monday, and if Terrell and Chad Johnson get together after the game and there is a mic within ten yards of them, we should be set in the quotes department for the next decade.

Wednesday, August 24

Why can't we be friends

Following weeks of speculation, the eagles have made it official that Correll Buckhalter will have season ending surgery to repair his now chronic right patellar tendon. While others see loss, I see opportunity. This brings King Andy one step closer to his goal of an every-down passing offense. Rather than the thunder and lightning approach of Westbrook and Buck, we can now go with the lighting and more lightning Westbrook-Moats combo. Think split-backs three wide with both backs motioning out of the backfield. Then just look for the linebacker and fire. It will be interesting to see if Bruce Perry steps it up or if we need to bring Dorsey back into the mix.

Monday, August 22

Phillies? Nah

Who wants to make bets with me on whether or not the Phillies make the playoffs? Key determining factors: A) Roger Clemens on steroids? B) Houston @ Philadelphia Sept 5-7 C) 10 million divisional series remaining D) Managing to continue winning even though 24 out of 37 remaning games are on the road E) Citizen's Bank Park spontaneously creating a titanium shield in the outfield to prevent away teams from hitting dingers.

I predict the fightins' put up a valiant effort, capturing the hearts and attention of the loyal Philadelphia fans, and end up .000009 games out of the Wild Card. Go eagles

PS Maybe if we still had the guy on the right, and not the guy on the left, i'd be more excited

Saturday, August 20

Game Balls: Eagles @ Ravens

Tim Hauck Memorial Hit of the Game:
Trotter absolutely laying out Derrick Mason on a 10 yard curl in the 2nd. 54 came from the middle and just ruined him. Great microphone pick-up too.

Hennison Valley Eggs Scramble of the Game:
Donnie saw a lane up the middle and took it for 27 yards. He may be a little husky, but the man can gobble up some serious yards when he gets going. And I maintain that although he doesn't need to run to be effective, he does need the threat of the run to keep the D honest.

Charmin Tissue Soft Player of the Game:
To a guy who I never thought would see this hardware: Jason Short. He still gets it done on Special Teams, but today that was about it. He blew a couple tackles by going for the jugular when he should have just wrapped up, and was out of position more than a few times. Still, I really like this guy, even more now that I found out that he considers himself a starter because "I start on special teams." I'll give him every chance to turn it around, but did anyone else realize that this guy is 27?

Preparation H Pain in the Ass of the Game:

Brian Billick, for making the Eagles take LB Martin Patterson off the field in the 4th because we had two players on wearing #51 (3rd Round Pick Matt McCoy was the other). Fortunately it led to the...

Sharing is Caring Benevolent Act of the Game:
Jeremiah Trotter for lending his jersey to Martin Patterson so he could go back on to smash a little more. Real role model stuff.

Patrick Swayze Ghost of the Game:

Reggie Brown, where are you? No catches? None? On the bright side, averaging 2.5 catches for 24 yards is still not bad as a rookie WR for King Andy.

Stevie Wonder Lost Player of the Game:
With all the talk about cutback runners picking up big yardage how does Mark Simoneau get overlooked as the best creater of cutback lanes in the league. This man is consistently out of position on run plays and the fact that he can't stand out while playing with the second teamers really says it all. I don't see how you can keep him around with all the young talent we have at the position. Cut him, and give his money to Westbrook or Hollis Thomas, because he is stealing right now.

And the Game Ball Goes to:

Michael Lewis, the only Eagle starter without a sack last season, who showed up big tonight with a pick, a sack, a forced fumble, and a couple tackles. Not bad work for a quarter and change.

Quick Thoughts from the game

Westbrook made Ray Lewis look downright childish during his 51-yard touchdown run. Poor Rayray was beat so bad he didn't even bother chasing him into the endzone.

Young Jeremy Thornburg (FS #45) really attacks the run; he's made big plays on the other side of the ball in both games. He looked bad on a slot coverage play in the redzone, but it's nice to see intensity from the youngsters, and the cover skills will come with time.

Andy Hall (QB #9) is listed as having played for Delaware, but he must have taken some summer classes at the Jake Plummer School of Making Bad Decisions While Getting Sacked. He will toss a brutal left-handed interception at some point if he gets enough reps.

Calvin Armstrong (OT #76) took his man completely off his feet coming back to help Andy on an early 4th quarter incompletion. Great awareness, better crunch.

There were some kind of mutant Chesapeake skeeters on field during most of the game. Donovan made mention of it in an interview, these things looked like flying danishes.

Moats looks good. Really, really, good. And its not just the 23 jersey. I wouldn't mind seeing him and Westbrook play together and create some ludicrous matchup problems leading to us throwing the ball 55 times a game.

Nice effort by the refs to make up for their blown lateral call in the first half by calling two imaginary calls on the Ravens final drive (roughing the passer and defensive delay of game "knocking the ball out of the referee's hand").

I caught a little bit of the Niners-Broncos game on NFL Network. Praise for the niners included a great over the shoulder catch about 3 yards out of bounds as well as a "stickum" grab for 2 yards. Even in pro sport's worst division, its gonna be a looong season for Alex Smith and the boys in red and gold.

When WR Justin Jenkins went down and was carted off the field he had a look on his face that can only be described as "I can't believe I worked my ass of all summer to lose my job to Chris Samp."

Friday, August 19


According to Philadelphiaeagles.com, T.O. will not make the trip down to Baltimore with the team this weekend. King Reid attributes this to T.O.'s lingering groin issue, although I wouldn't be surprised to learn that his inability to find a NFL Equipment pacifier played a role as well. Regardless, we all know what the man brings to the table, and I'm just as happy to see the youngsters get more balls.

Thursday, August 18

Because once was not enough

Bring it all back home with the brand new Eagles 2004 NFC Champions DVD. Although waiting another three weeks for this to come out won't feel like half as long as the two in between the game and the Super Bowl, anticipation is really starting to get a grip on me. Plus its got the NFL Films logo, which is basically the exact opposite as putting on the "As Seen on TV" sticker. I'm looking forward to the celebration footage because i'm nowhere near figuring out what Brian Dawkins is saying when Bradshaw gives him the mic and he just rocks back and forth like Stevie. I plan on watching this every day until opening night and I'd watch it more if I had more than 4 hours a night in between work and sleep. Expect a review immediately. Available September 6, and you can preorder it now.

Breaking News: The Earth is Round!!

Also, Randy Moss admits to smoking mariuana "every blue moon." I like that he smokes every time, rather than the usual "once in a blue moon." Finding out that Randy Moss smokes pot is like learning that Grady Jackson likes food. I wonder if there was a blue moon that night he pushed a traffic officer out of the road with his car. This news is also fantastic in that it will endear him that much more to new boss Al Davis.

Don't break my heart

It's good to see people get involved in athlete's lives. It's even better to see the youths getting involved, even if it is some guy pretending to be a youth in order to make money off of an athlete. So buy a shirt or eat a hot dog, but just don't hire drew rosenhaus and ask for more money in the second year of your seven year contract. But definitely go here if you want the shirt. And here if you want a hotdog (search by meal occasion if you want). Thanks to Zach Hill for the link.

Wednesday, August 17

penguins on ice vs. flyers

With the addition of Gonchar, rookie sensation Sidney Crosby, former flyers Rechhi and Leclair, and Ziggy Palffy -- an existing cast consisting of possibly the greatest player of all time in Super Mario -- and possibly the best young goalie in the league in Marc-Andre Fleury I am anticipating the start of a new Eastern Conference rivalry...

Hopefully it will be bloody. And hopefully the blood will be black and yellow, instead of black and orange.

Flyers Flyers Flyers

Is it possible that we now have the best team in the Eastern Conference?? Think about it….who could be better? I can think of two teams that have noticeably improved this tumultuous off-season (or off-year rather): the Maple Leafs, and the Bruins if they do indeed sign Modano. But they haven’t even come close to improving like the Flyers did. Other than Niedermayer, I can’t think of another defenseman that I’d rather have than Hatcher. He’s big, he fits Hitchcock’s system very well, and he even played for him when Hitch won the Cup with the Stars. Every draft-pick that the Flyers made this season either led their previous team or came close to it in PIMs, meaning they’re not afraid to mix it up in the corners and when the gloves drop. While the league is supposed to make a big push towards being more offensive and opening up, the only real solution to what critics of the NHL say as a game that’s too slow is Olympic sized rinks, not minor rule changes and make goalies where smaller pads. So the defensive style that the Flyers have been perfecting for the past few seasons will still be extremely successful I think. Critics of the Flyers say “Who’s going to score?” And Bobby Clarke has answered, powerfully, with who could easily be considered the most dominant forward in the game today, Peter Forsberg. It’s like we never even had washed up old number 88. The only possible knock on Forsberg is that he’s been slightly banged up the past few seasons, but I would think a good year of no NHL has made him heal up nicely. The Flyers haven’t had a true scorer like Forsberg in years, and the prospect of him on a wing with Gagne on the other side just makes me think that Gagne will improve, in addition to whoever centers the line. If it were Primeau, I can’t think of any reason why they shouldn’t score every time they touch the ice. I’m pumped for this season….and if the Lightning can’t manage to re-sign both Lecavelier and Khabibuhlin they’re probably toast, as that phenom of a goalie was their backstop through thick and thin. GO FLYERS

Tuesday, August 16

get your popcorn ready

I don't know how he's gonna run a quick slant with his foot in his mouth, but at least he took a break in between leading a circus in front of his house and attending another team's preseason game to write this

R.I.P. Aaron McKie 1997-2005

And just like that he's gone. This was a dude who point blank got it done. Did everything you could ask for during the finals run, and did absolutely nothing but get absolutely embarassed by guys half his age for the next four years. This is a dude about whom i could really get the cliche machine warmed up for, because he's a physical, impact player who came to play every night, and when the game was on the line he always gave 110 percent.

But this was a dude who philly fans loved, from gratz to temple and eventually to the sixers, and he will be missed.

As far as NBA amnesty day goes, how Aaron got the axe and Allan Houston slipped out of the guillotine just in time for his afternoon MRI i have no idea. For all of Isiah's brutal moves, not letting go of the most overpaid player in all of pro sports that doesn't play third base or catcher for the phillies may end up being his signature move on a resume that includes paying 14.6 million per for Penny Hardaway's knees.

Employee 29

Roderick Hood is the truth. Off the top of my head I can't think of a better nickel back in the league, and I'll bet he could start for at least a dozen teams.

Monday, August 15

It Had to be Said Archive

Main Page

"The bottom line is steroids is something you stick in your butt- period."
-Gary Sheffield

"I'll take 14 out of 15 any day of the week, any week of the month, any month of the year, any year of the century. I don't know what comes after century."
-Shaquille O'Neal, on having his team's 14-game winning streak snapped

"I don't really care about all this stuff. I really don't. I don't owe anyone a response to anything."
-Barry Bonds, graciously accepting his 7th MVP award

“That's just about the best thing you could have told me”
-Devin Hester, upon hearing about his 100 speed rating in Madden 08

"All of them except for the one whose name rhymes with Manseco."
-Simpsons producer on working which MLB players were easy to work with

"Right now, I really couldn't care less about China, or any place else. Cincinnati, that's the only destination I'm really concerned with right now. I don't really care about anything else right now. That stuff is so far in the future that I don't know if China will be there a year from now."
-Bill Belichick, on going to China next preseason

"I'm firm with these guys. If you're sitting close enough, I'm hard on them. But they know I love them. They know I love them and I care about them, so I can treat them like I would my own son. I can grab them at times. You're not supposed to grab them? I do. I kiss them at times. What? Oh, I kiss their sweaty faces. I won't kiss them on the lips, because that's a little bit too much. But I'll kiss them on the face or on the forehead. Especially if I really ram them. I'll walk over and say, 'You know I still love you.'"
-John Calipari, coach of University of Memphis men's basketball

"I have to be assertive, and if the ball doesn't go in, it gives us a good rebounding opportunity."
-Kobe Bryant

"I definitely could see a top corner like Champ Bailey making a successful transition to the AFL."
-Merril Hoge

"Satan, take your hands off this team!"
-Evangelist Carol Thomas, leading a prayer before a Hornets home game

"These are my new shoes. They're good shoes. They won't make you rich like me, they won't make you rebound like me, they definitely won't make you handsome like me. They'll only make you have shoes like me. That's it."
-Charles Barkley

"There’s a lot of women here.I’m going to try to throw that fishing pole out there and see what I can get. As long as I don’t get a tire…or a boot."
-Gilbert Arenas on the girls in Vegas

"Great conversation shooter. I heard he’s going to wear a hot pink jacket. I mean, that’s a nice color to come in second, third, fourth or fifth in."
-Gilbert Arenas' scouting report on Damon Jones

"He called me a rapist and a recluse. I'm no recluse”
-Mike Tyson

"In a basketball game, for someone to grab your nuts...I just got violated"
-Chris Kaman

"Trying to hit him was like trying to drink coffee with a fork"
-Willie Stargell on Sandy Koufax

"We're really excited about what we think he can bring to our locker room"
–Toronto Argonauts Coach Michael Clemons on Ricky Williams

"Barry and Jose, sittin' in a tree, J-U-I-C-I-N-G"

"If you need one yard, I'll get you three. If you need five yards, I'll get you three."
–Leroy Hoard, former Minnesota Vikings running back

"My main objective is to be professional but to kill him."
-Mike Tyson

"Major League Baseball has turned into a badminton league."
-Jason Kendall, after being suspended for charging the mound

"I'll be sad to go, and I wouldn't be sad to go. It wouldn't upset me to leave St. Louis, but it would upset me to leave St. Louis. It's hard to explain. You'll find out one of these days, but maybe you never will."
-Brett Hull during his St. Louis Blues days, on a possible trade

"I'll repeat what I said before in prior interviews and in the press tour, is I want to stop his heart. I not only want to stop him, I want to stop his heart or detach his retina, one of the two. I really want to do damage to him."
-Ricardo Mayorga on Oscar De La Hoya

Main Page

"I have no respect for him. I think he's a pompous, arrogant individual."
-Raja Bell on Kobe Bryant

“Growing up in an urban environment, a brother likes his Cadillac”
-Cris Carter

“I told [GM] Roland Hemond to go out and get me a big name pitcher. He said, 'Dave Wehrmeister's got 11 letters. Is that a big enough name for you ?'"
-Eddie Eichorn, White Sox owner

"You take all the fat kids, and you take the ones who can run, put them on the defensive line, and the ones who can't, they play o-line"
-Andy Reid

"He wasn't on fire. He was just excited he got to shoot in a game."
-Charles Barkley on Iguodala's All Star Performance

“You understand that you’re completely insane”
-Tony Kornheiser to Mel Kiper Jr

"Get on me Burt, I can't lose"
-Eddie Felson

"It's just weird because, I don't know, I used to hit for a half-hour and then go eat Cheetos the rest of the day, come out and drill forehands...and I miss my Cheetos."
-Andy Roddick

“Darryl Gibson has been quite magnificent coming inside Andrew Mehrtens, and I'm looking forward to seeing more of the same today."
-Murray Mexted, Sky TV Rugby Announcer

"Spencer's running across field calling out, 'come inside me, come inside me.'"
-Murray Mexted, Sky TV Rugby Announcer

"I can tell you it's a magnificent sensation when the gap opens up like that and you just burst right through."
-Murray Mexted, Sky TV Rugby Announcer

"There's nothing that a tight forward likes more than a loosie right up his backside"
-Murray Mexted, Sky TV Rugby Announcer

"I don't like this new law, because your first instinct when you see a man on the ground is to go down on him"
-Murray Mexted, Sky TV Rugby Announcer

“I don’t know what cheating is. I don’t think, I don’t know if cheating, if steroids are gonna help you in baseball. I just don’t believe it.”
-Barry Bonds

"He knew he wasn't going to play for the Dominicans; he's not a Dominican!"
-Ozzie Guillen on Alex Rodriguez

"No mascots on the field. Shoot anything that looked like it escaped from Sesame Street."
-John Kruk, on how to improve the game

"They can do whatever they want. I'll still be eating steak every night."
-Von Hayes on Philly fans booing him

"I took a lot of time before here to just chill and relax and did a lot of yoga and ate a lot of organic food"
-Hannah Teter after winning Gold in Women's Halfpipe

Brad Nessler: "The lady that serves me coffee at the all-night diner by my house has got a better mustache than Adam Morrison. It's not the best mustache I've ever seen."
Dick Vitale: "Boy, I'll have to go down to that diner for a cup of coffee!"
-Dick and Brad during the Gonzaga/Stanford game

"If I were on the other side, there would be no way I would have been able to be in that game without six fouls."

"Figuratively however, the coach formerly known as the Zen Master must now be considered my bucket boy."
-Mark Cuban

"I really dig Hannibal. Hannibal had real guts. He rode elephants into Cartilage."
-Mike Tyson

"I know a lot of people did a lot of heavy lifting to make me successful and I do everything in my power not to screw it up."
-Charles Barkley

"In some way, Jerome (Bettis) has touched every person on this team."
-Hines Ward

"Now we can start playing ball"
-Knicks player to others after Larry Brown was ejected

“How long have you been surrounded by thugs?”
-Question to Ray Lewis before Super Bowl XXXV

"People are expected to do X-Y-Z things...but I don't do X-Y-Z things. I'm Darrell Jackson, you know? I went to Florida. Nothing was ever given to me. I'm D-Jack."

"No comment."
-Michael Jordan, after being asked for his response to making the All-Interview Team

"We will be there, but I would never have thought I would have to answer that question…that is if [the Americans] don't start in on messing around with not giving the visas, or if they go crazy."
-Fidel Castro

“I’m not talking about a lot of nice things on my album.”
-Ron Artest

“I’m married with four children. I don’t care what people think about me. I’m in the hood every summer. I’m like the king of the hood. Nobody does it how I do it. That’s pretty much it man. I’m a regular dude.”
-Ron Artest

“If you want to totally be Ron Artest for they day, you have to get my new sneakers…they ain’t no basketball shoes because I don’t care about being a basketball player.”
-Ron Artest

"The team we have, we're going to be competitive…Are we going to win the division? No."
-Phillies GM Pat Gillick

"It's kinda suspicious because of its close proximity to the game, but he doesn't know if it was related to his duties as a referee, his job as a high school principal or if it was a random act of mischief"
-Lt. Thomas Wells on a brick thrown through Pete Morelli's window

"I had orders"
-Shaq, on why he shook Kobe Bryant's hand

"Let's just say we had some problems in protection."
-Peyton Manning

"We've been talking about that the last couple of years. He basically said, 'Find your own.'"
-Brad Childress, on taking assistant coaches with him to Minnesota

"I watched her do things that are just not possible for a cow."
-Rancher Del Morris on his cow that escaped slaughter and led police on a six-hour chase

"I don't know what I did. Oh, it is still bleeding. I haven't got the slightest idea."
-Joe Paterno at a press conference, in response to 'What did you do to your finger?'

“I think with Iverson, he was so gangsta where he wouldn’t have made as much money selling music and people in the NBA didn’t like that. And with Kobe, a lot of people just don’t like Kobe.”
-Ron Artest

"I'm a student of the game. Answer the question, holmes.
–Kenny Mayne's six-year old daughter to Michael Strahan, after asking why Brett Favre laid down for his record-breaking sack

"It was the most difficult decision in my life - except the one in 1978 when I decided to get a bikini wax"
–Arnold on his decision to run for Governor

"I thought it was a classy game. Nobody could stop anybody."
-Mack Brown

"It's always nice to get interviewed by someone from Ohio State who can speak english."
-Joe Paterno to Kirk Herbstreit

"Of all the guys I've worked with, you've been one of them."
-Paul Maguire to Joe Theismann

"If a tie is like kissing your sister, losing is like kissing your grandmother with her teeth out."
-George Brett

“This is going to be the greatest celebration of all time, man...I actually use an animal."
-Chad Johnson

"I don't know Jose. I was better than Jose now and I've been better than Jose his whole career. So I don't have anything to talk about Jose."
-Barry Bonds

“There are two things for Brother Harris this week. The bad is, he has to cover me. The good is, he can save ten percent by switching insurance to Geico.”
-Chad Johnson

"A lot of people come up to me like, 'Mike how you done it, how you did it?' I’m telling you in my songs: 90% grind, 10% sleep."
-Mike Jones

"He needs to give that team a Bible. Only God can help them. They're terrible."
-Charles Barkley, on the 2005 Lakers

"Have you kicked a wolverine today?"
-Bumper sticker

"He made a really nice play. He kind of squatted a little bit. I tried to stick it in there"
-Mike McMahon

"Embarrassing may be a good term for it"
-Jevon Kearse

"This one may be the worst because No. 1, it was Minnesota; No. 2, it was at home; and No. 3, it was Minnesota again"
-Green Bay defensive end Aaron Kampman

"We're just playing basketball. It's not like we're going out to have unprotected sex with Magic."
-Charles Barkley

"I said I'd cut my balls off if we won."
-Rugby fan Geoffrey Huish, who performed the impromptu self-surgery after his beloved Wales recently beat world chamion England. According to "The Australian, " he then put them into a bag and took them to his favorite social club. He then collapsed from blood loss, and is now in a psychiatric ward.

"If I was you, I'd be excited for McMahon"
-Dave Mellet, co-worker

"I brought two innovations to the quarterback position. Legs"
-Randall Cunningham

"In high school he played center, but I don't think he can play center anymore."
-Pat Gillick on Manny Ramirez

"He's instant offense... on both ends of the floor, I might add."
-Charles Barkley on Cuttino Mobley

"I think everybody was sitting around like, 'Wow, I didn't know this man was this crazy.'"
-Hugh Douglas

"I got somebody, that other guy, who is just as lethal. He's a little bit younger, he got a lot of proving to do, but he's just as lethal. It's my job to make him lethaler, it's my job to make him the lethalest, if that's a word ..."
-Shaquille O’Neal

"You want some? Anyone else want some?"
-Terrell Owens, in his final discussion with the Philadelphia Eagles

"This season is gonna be different. We're committed to winning."
Steve Francis addressing the crowd before their home opener

“They’re like the Jackson 5 without Michael.”
-Charles Barkley, on the Suns without Amare.

"Ain't no power down there, you know? I was headed down South, but when they told me they had no power and a curfew (laugh) ... Edge needs power and Edge don't need no curfew. Edge time is Edge time."
-Edgerrin James on why he didn't go to Florida during his bye week

"If there's one thing I'm certain of, it's that Theo Epstein isn't going anywhere"
-Hal Morra

"It just seems to be that way, that Afro-American kids can run very, very well."
-Fisher DeBerry, Air Force Football Coach

"Did I know it was my 350th win? No. It's nice to hear though."
-Joe Paterno

"What the hell do I know about downloading music? I can't download a jar of peanut butter"
-Joe Paterno

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
-Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

"I'm often mentioned in the same sentence as Michael Jordan. You know, 'That Scott Hastings, he's no Michael Jordan.'"
-Journeyman center Scott Hastings

“The first play from scrimmage was muy malo for Josh McCown”
-NFL Films Announcer

"He couldn't throw the ball through a pane of glass"
-Collinsworth on Mark Brunell

“It's called talent. I just have it. I can't explain it. You either have it or you don't.”
-Barry Bonds

"I'm going to continue playing hard and out of control, like a wild animal that needs to be caged in...I'll let the referees handle it."
-Ron Artest, on his return to the Pacers

"I've seen it happen in other places"
-Ed Wade, on making the playoffs

"I don't know if we'll end up with a sexy general manager"
-Dave Montgomery

"I don't think that there was ever a sense that we needed to do anything crazy like... running the football"
-Brad Childress, after the Chiefs game

"It's tough to come up with words to describe how I'm feeling right now. Yikes, Dagnabit...Woah Nellie"
-Hollis Thomas, with the Eagles down 17-0

"I wasn't going to go out like no chump, I couldn't go out [of boxing] on a knockout"
-Roy Jones Jr., After going out like a chump in Saturday's fight

"I ain't got much to say. My hand is fine. I ain't got no excuses. I got no reason for being here but one -- that's to kick ass. That's what I came for. That's all I got to [expletive] say."
-Roy Jones Jr., Breaking his silence before Saturday's fight

"Hopefully I can do better than that"
-Eagles Kicker Todd France, on Simoneau and Bartrum's kicking exhibition vs. the Raiders

"Michael Robinson shows flashes of decision-making ability"
-TV Commentator during Penn State vs. Northwestern

"If I have to chew nails, I think my teeth are strong enough"
-Donovan, explaining his aversion to cortisone shots

"We still got, what, 15, 16 games, 14 games left. So we're gonna keep on ballin." -Dwight Freeny after the Colts week 3 win

"The things I have been through since I came into the NBA, you would not believe how hard it has been…Buying my first house. That was a hardship."
-Kevin Garnett

"Campbell's has taken it to another level."
-Sam McNabb, upon being added to the Chunky Soup team

"Members of Congress, particularly Tom Davis, can walk and chew gum at the same time."
-Dave Marin, Reform Commitee spokesman, responding to Barry Bonds' declaration that Congress should stop its steroids probe

"Defensively, they're like a swarm of bees that's orange.”
-Chad Johnson on his new-found respect for the Browns secondary

"Don't say I don't get along with my teammates. I just don't get along with some of the guys on the team."
-Terrell Owens

"It's nothing that's going to make me go out and buy a Wendy's triple-stacked cheeseburger. I'm not going to buy them any flowers or take somebody from the league out to eat."
-Donovan McNabb, reacting to the $7,500 fine given to Chad Lavalais

"But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."
-Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books, 1991

"75 percent of the world is covered by water. The rest is covered by Smoot."
-Fred Smoot

“You need to have something a little wrong with you to play defense”
-Brian Dawkins

"If you ask me, I believe we should go 82-0 this season," Bonner said with just a hint of laughter. "I'm a competitor. I would like to go 82-0. Realistically that probably won't happen, but last year there wasn't one game that I didn't think we could win heading into the game, and that's not going to change this year."
-Toronto Raptors Forward Matt Bonner

"I am just excited about finally getting a part in 'Days of Our Lives,' not that I was a real big fan of the soap operas back in the day…But, it's a good part, it's special. Tell my kids about it."
-Donovan McNabb

"You know what I'd like to say to everyone stuck there? Loot my house. Seriously, I have a nice house in Destrehan that's full of stuff, and anyone who wants it can have it. Go on in and take my flat-screen TVs and raid my refrigerator. Whatever."
-Joe Horn

"I'd be smart not to comment on that.” – Bill Parcells, upset at that the Giants receive an extra home game because New Orleans is under 8 feet of water

"Today's home run (number seventy), I was just in shock. The chance of hitting a home run off a guy (Dennis Springer) who throws that slow is slim. I just said, `What else can you give me, God? Enough is enough.'"
-Barry Bonds

“I couldn’t really remember anything after that play. I remember calling the reverse on the second play of the game, I think it was. After that, I don’t know what happened. We were on the sideline, and T.J. (Houshmandzadeh) told me ‘that was a good catch.’ And I told him it was, then asked him what happened. T.J. and Carson told me what happened (on the touchdown reception).”
-Chad Johnson

Interviewer: "Chad, how are you doing?" Chad: "I can't be covered. I can't be stopped. I got tickets to the Promised Land. Now what?"

“I’d like an order of hotcakes with sausage. A sausage McMuffin. A large orange juice, and a warm cinnamon roll…Fresh. And can I have a job application. Who says I don’t have life after football."
-Chad Johnson

"There's three things that are certain in life: Death, taxes, and #85 is gonna be open"
- Chad Johnson

"I'm tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok."
- Shaquille O'Neal

Asked about his team's execution during an 0-26 start, Tampa Bay Bucaneers coach John McKay replied: "I'm for it."

"He's gotta wash my car now"
- Expert sharer Jeremiah Trotter on Martin Patterson after lending him his jersey

"He wasn't talking on his cell phone after that play"
- Ex-Eagles Tim Hauck describing a hit on Saints WR Joe Horn

Back with the Niners, Terrell Owens was asked for one word to describe himself. He said "confident." When asked for another word he said "very."

"I paid a worker at New York's zoo to re-open it just for me and Robin. When we got to the gorilla cage there was one big silverback gorilla there just bullying all the other gorillas. They were so powerful but their eyes were like an innocent infant. I offered the attendant $10,000 to open the cage and let me smash that silverback's snotbox. He declined."
- Mike Tyson

"He invited me into the house for a little bit. There he was with his tight little shorts, no shirt and his little red hat. He was doing some farming or something. He was covered in dirt. It was awesome."
- JP Losman on meeting Brett Favre

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Friday, August 5

Haiku Archive

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Arrowhead showdown
brings together hated rivals.
Does good or evil win?

Michael Bourne, D-Rays
superstar trapped on the Phils
Adios, Burrell

Hula skirt sac bunt
spam powered cannon from right
Flyin' Hawaiian

Ryan, welcome to
capitol of what have you
done for me lately

No DH for Chuck
he'll figure it out one day
be the double switch

Perfect pitcher for
Seniors run the bases day
Young Jamie Moyer

David Bell juicing!
With roids: 16 dingers
Without: Smell the glove

Mamba strikes again
Don't mess with a maniac
You will feel the pain

Silly Cole Hamels
You're gonna win twenty games
with no run support?

Character issues:
What's in that package?
Um, crack and guns... crack and guns

Run run run run run
Run run run run run run run
Run run the football

oden or durant
the choice is all your's my friend.
bill king in the house

It ain’t Iverson
The real reason we can’t win
Is Shavlik's ankle

Barry's head's smaller
Maybe juice has gone away?
Still, he's a scumbag

One tank two tank red
tank blue tank even Oden
might not be enough

Skins, boys, giants, please.
How can you doubt the power
of the one called five?

With tacklin' fuel
visualize and attack

30 surgeries
gets you 30 more home runs
DH time, Barry

Thanks Aaron Rowand
a win in five always beats
a loss in nine full

Phils train hits a dime
tough to take "NL best" Mets
time for nine more wins

No matter how long
it's only one syllable
you sure can't stretch 'booooooo'

I'd rather lose with
Allen than lose without him
Don't trade Allen Iverson

Hey Clips, look at you
Just don't tell Isiah that
money equals wins

Have you seen him run?
Hide the women and children
Brodrick Bunkley

With the fourteenth pick
the Eagles have selected
some guy you don't know

Whatever you do
please don't call it a comeback
we've been here for... months

Who's cinderella?
I don't know but I sure hope
it's Squeaky Johnson

Disgusting breaker
when he can get his cap on
Fatdalis Perez

Once in every year
like sex for married couples
Iverson slam dunk

The black card era
has officially begun.
I'm not you rapper

There goes Lee Nailon
domestic dispute, draft pick
into the sunset

One more day of
ring ring ring whisper whisper
then Allen can play

Highway robbery:
14 tries for five foot nine.
You ain't the birdman

Big loss in Chi-town
I'll bet you know what that means-
more burn for Shavlik!

Poor Villanova
Gets no respect in Philly
Where is all the hype?

There's not much defense
for dudes who don't play defense.
But I tried, Kyle

Fill it, don't spill it
do what you wan't on D, but
keep raining those threes

Hero of Sweden
you're too hurt for Torino
The Flyers need you

Mo Mediocre
My Seventy-Sixers trade
Allen Iverson

It's all in the hips
Spoken like a true asshole
Chubbs Peterson, ya'll

Still, Peyton Manning
knows one way to play in Feb.
Pro Bowl MVP

Hit the snooze button
sloppy seconds for Seahawks
Pitt-Sleeper Bowl champs

Remember Charles?
For the love of god don't trade
Allen Iverson

Bring back Ron Hextall
first goalie to score a goal
and KILL with his stick

Should have given heed
felt this one coming all week:
Diaw, triple-dip

Can a young brother
get some burn with A.I. out?
Arise, Shav! arise!

I move mulch like weight
put the box right near your ear
John Skari Jr.

He flies through the air
with the greatest of ease. Who
else- Shavlik Randolph!

Penn State mahatma
But not impressing scouts {tear}
Michael Robinson

World's biggest ego
How about eighty-one points?
Nice T.O. homage

Break out the cigars
Cuban baseball is coming
Justice has been served

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"O" in Iverson,
Korver, Salmons, and Ollie
no "D" in Sixers

Hiss of the mamba
graciously listened to the
roar of the diesel

Who choked first? The
Peyton or the egg? Or was
it the blind zebra?

Iguodala on
Paul Pierce. Ok, but that means
Korver on Ricky.

A. Kirilenko
If only he played as dumb
as his faux-hawk looks

Are you up fifteen?
Not getting hustle from Chris?
Shavlik Randolph time!

Give me an A. Give
me a C. Give me a L.
Where's Who Dey, Carson?

Who dey think gonna
stop them Cincinnati Bengals?
Not Rothelsomething

Kevin Kelly, Good!
Call this man Vinsanity
College Football, Wow

Cismesia wide left
On the left foot of Kelly
Kevin Kelly, good!

Playoffs without birds?
That's like China without rice
Or Bulls without Mike

A better draft pick
is not worth a Redskins loss
Please hit Brunell hard.

What better way to
Ring in the new year than with
a loss in Tempe

Great Peter Forsberg
The best thing from Sweden
and it's not even the Bikini Team

Burn, fire fire
too bad Moats only touches
Ten times a game

Eagles, no playoffs?
That's like the Bulls without Mike
Man. Cold, cold winter

NYC can’t touch
Philly from five years ago
Sixth borough my ass.

…Check. Machete? Check
Gasoline? Check. Lighter? Check
Ugueth Urbina

You killed McNabb
A cold winter lies ahead
Andy, run the ball

It ain't over yet
but it gets closer each week
thought it was our year

Why skip over Koy?
Not on the dollar menu?
Time for a McChange

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