Wednesday, November 16

Hypothetical: 5 on 1

With the Eagles taking a dive off the high board into an empty pool, it looks to be high time to break into one of my favorite pastimes- sports hypotheticals. I can't get enough of these, but they only work with willing, eager participants. That's where you come in. Nothing would make me happier than to have someone thoroughly and convincingly explain to me why I am wrong and they are right. So swing for the fences, or in this case, dig in on D and rotate the ball. You are fully encouraged to take sides and present gambling lines when available.

Here's the situation, you, and five of your friends, in a regulation basketball game versus Tracy McGrady. Pick the strongest, fastest kids you know, and lace em up. Who wins?

I'm absolutely going with me and my buddies on this one. I think five guys on the floor can spread the court and move the ball all day until we get an open layup. I'm not expecting to lock him down on D, but I think we only have to stop him a couple times to come out with a W. I think he bricks a few threes, and I'm willing to go so far as to say we have an advantage on the boards. I am in no way predicting a blowout, but I definitely expect to come out with a win in either a single game, or seven game series. In a best of seven playoff situation, I would have to figure that he'll come up with one game somewhere along the line.

If you've been commenting all along, I greatly appreciate it, and please keep it up. If you're new to the comment box, here's your chance, please let everyone know how you feel. No low blows, keep it clean, touch gloves and come out fighting at the bell.

20 comments:

zach said...

I was in on the ground floor, so you'll forgive me for being a little agitated, but as I said before:
THERE IS NO WAY YOU AND FOUR FRIENDS BEAT T-MAC IN ANY KIND OF BASKETBALL GAME.
1) HE WILL NEVER MISS: YOU ARE NOT TALL ENOUGH TO CONTEST THE SHOT, BUT MORE TO THE POINT, HE WILL DUNK OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN
2) YOU WILL ALMOST CERTAINLY MISS. SURE, ROTATE THE BALL, GET AN OPEN LAYUP. EVENTUALLY, YOU WILL MISS, AND THAT WILL BE IT. I SEE PEOPLE MISS LAYUPS ALL THE TIME.
3) EVEN WITH FIVE GUYS ON THE COURT, DUDE IS ATHLETIC ENOUGH TO OCCASIONALLY STEAL THE BALL/BLOCK THE SHOT/OR JUST BLANKET YOU SO HARD YOU WILL NEVER GET RID OF THE BALL. AGAIN, FUCK UP ONCE, IT IS OVER, HE WILL NEVER MISS.

Why is this even being debated?

Hal said...

Well, that's what makes for an argument. I disagree with point 1. He will definitely miss, maybe more than a few times. We're gonna be in his face (well, his chest at least) and noisy, with hands akimbo, who knows what might happen. There is no way we are in a gym for 60 minutes without him missing once. I agree that we will miss on occassion, probably finishing with a shooting percentage around 85 or 90%. He might be able to steal an errant pass, but if we stay disciplined, I really think it's our game to lose.

Also, for all you who complained about the word recognition, my last word was OJeezy. I think he's Young Jeezy's dad.

greene said...

clearly, as i was all weekend, i am still with zach, as we are apparently the only logical and rational people you know. there is no chance you beat him. lou's theory of having your two "tallest guys" standing under the basket is worthless, if vince can jump clear over 7'2" freddy weis, im saying tmac can make it over your pals. your ball movement plan is flawed, as youd never get a layup, ever. hed just stand in the middle and guard the basket, anything inside is blocked, youd have to shoot jumpers, and youre not making em all. as soon as you miss once, game over.

zach said...

Yeah, come on, Josh is totally right here..
85%-90% shooting percentage? On what planet?

Sure, maybe he misses because he gets bored of jumping over you, but beyond that, there's no way. And I hadn't even thought of how he'd defend.

You'll never get a rebound.

Armando said...

you guys are all insane, as I'm sure I could beat him by myself. Never underestimate the power of self-confidence. And then there's the fact that I'd take my first 5 fouls punching him in the nuts as hard as I possibly could.

But in all honesty, I'd have to agree with Hal. Although I don't think he could be stopped more than 15% of the time on offense, there's no way he could maintain a consistent level of good defense for a full 60 minutes. He'd just get too tired.

James said...

Half court or full court? And I think you mean 48 minutes. When You originally asked me about this I pictured a half court game to 21. I think full court 48 minutes we have a chance because we could just pick cherries all day. Even still. He'll just bring the ball up at his leisure all day and dunk all day.

Hal said...

Full court, standard rules.

Way to go james. Not only did you realize that a basketball game is 48 minutes long, but you also brought up the secret strategy of cherry picking. This is an easy bucket every time, and he's gotta run back to defend it. I don't see how he ever stops us after he makes a dunk. Even a three would make it tough to get back.

Dave said...

You gotta figure that D-ing up on five guys will exhaust McGrady. Though he could dunk over and over, he'd probably take the lazy option and shoot more than a few Js, on which he won't shoot 85%. Misses could go anywhere, and I'd like the odds that one of five people is in a good spot to grab a rebound if Tracy's not hustling. It'd be close, but I'd take the five.

Ron's Ribs said...

Having a couple problems conceptualizing...first who passes it into him?, or does he have to come in from the baseline? second all five guys can play defense directly on him right? where does he even dribble the ball with five guys forming a tight circle around him? Hold hands and plant your feet and he'll get called for charging each time..$20 on hal and co.

greene said...

well, i mean if youre making the hypothetical into "how can we cheat to win" then im sure you can think of many ways. but this whole debate started out this past weekend, i believe, as a half court game to 11, 5 regular dudes, playing relatively straightup... it has become full court, 48 minute game, with 5 finely tuned athletic types (i.e. specifically not hal and co.), holding hands in a circle around tmac and cherry picking for all their points. you can arrange any hypothetical to make sure youd win, but then whats the point?

bostoncubedweller said...

The real deciding factor is whether you're playing schoolyard-style Make-it-take-it. Even a pudgester like hal knows 4 people capable of throwing the ball faster than T-mac can run, but I don't have confidence that they'll ever get a rebound. If the big man also gets his own shots back then its a no-brainer.

On his shooting percentage, though, I wouldn't be surprised if he went without a miss. Fact is, he could just take it easy, and without anyone with a vertical greater than hal's 5 inches, these guys can just toss it in all day long.

Armando said...

no one has seriously addressed the fact that I will be punching him in the nuts repeatedly

Hal said...

Ok, let's clear up a couple things.

1. I always envisioned this as a 48 minute full court affair. I hold my imaginary games to the highest possible standard.

2. Circling around him is a good idea, although I don't really support the idea of trying to draw a charge.

3. The hypothetical is what it is. It is not crafted to sway one way or the other. Cheating (Armando) will obviously sway the balance of power.

4. Cherry picking is not cheating. I hate it, but it is not cheating, and it is an effective strategy in this situation.

5. If McGrady shoots a three, I don't know anyone who could get a pass to the cherry picker cleanly. However fast you think he is, he's a little bit faster.

6. I still think we take him.

phlintern4 said...

ok I have a better one:

if you could have a child with one professional athlete, with the idea of creating the most gifted and talented offspring possible, who would it be?

I think I would go with either Serena Williams or Annika Sorenstam. That way if you have a son or a daughter, they have a chance of dominating a sport that can make big money. If you choose a WNBA star and get a daughter that is great at b-ball, what good is that?

zach said...

Also cherry-picking is great and all, but I still bet someone misses that easy layup once. And him getting tired? Not happening, I don't care how long the game goes, he will run you into the ground. He could beat you and your friends rotating the team over three days. As Bostoncubedweller (Cam?) noted, the dudes just don't miss.

And, even if Armando cheats and punches McGrady in the nuts, it is guaranteed that he'll use his fouls to hit back, and I guarantee you don't get up after that dude hits you. This was also brought up over the weekend, albeit in relation to football. Athletes of all kinds (Theis) have a way of hitting you so you just don't want to get up.

greene said...

in response to the quote of the day: he technically referred to his balls as his "tackle" and he cut them off with a blunt pair of cutters, so he had to "keep hacking at it for ten minutes", then, his balls fell into the toilet and he had to fish them out so he could bring them to the bar and show his friends.

they went in depth on this story this morning on mike and mike in the morning, the best sports talk show on tv or radio.

Armando said...

I bet I could beat him one-on-one at hockey. DENY THAT

Andy said...

Full court - we win (unless im playing)

Half court - he wins

Ive seen theis jack like 10 3s in a row - w/ 5 guys on the floor theres no way we couldnt get the ball to him

Toussaint Losier said...

Hilarious

My money is on T-Mac. I haven't seen Hal in 5 years, but unless he's been doping like Jason Giambi, I doubt y'all have much of a chance.

Then again, what if Hal'ss good 'friends' happen to be a set of McDonald's All-Americans.

Hal and a team of 'Manchilds' (where did that term come from? Claude Brown is rolling in his grave). Maybe then y'all would have a chance.

Peace

zach said...

Toussaint reads this blog?
How?...What up Tous?