Tuesday, November 1

Half Full: Sailing With Magellan

We're through week 8 in the NFL, so who’s ready for the 2005-2006 National Whistleball Association season! Before getting into the Sixers’ shot at the Larry O’Brien Trophy, let me take some a couple minutes to explain the history and rules of the fine sport which we are all set to enjoy.

Over the past decade, it has become evident to the NBA bigwigs that the average player has become far more athletic and degrees of magnitude stronger than the men for whom Dr. James Naismith created the game. Coupled with the growing disinterest in defense that is prevalent in all major American sports save NASCAR (where contact is fully encouraged and embraced by my account), the game of basketball at the professional level has become an offensive spectacle which David Stern and Co. have deemed “too entertaining” for the average fan.

In order that Joe Everyman should be able to enjoy the game and not feel bad about the fact that he himself has no interest in defense, the NBA brass has decided that they should put three teams on the court at a time. Said third team should consist of obnoxious older men of poor eyesight and medium to fair athletic ability who will wear uniforms consisting of black and white vertical stripes. Since these men would have trouble gaining control of ten other, much larger men, they are given noisemaking devices which they can use to stop the game at any juncture they deem necessary.

Which brings us to the present-day game, controlled not by the athletes themselves, but by men who can do a much more satisfactory job in controlling the outcome of the game to assure results which will please the NBA marketing department.

A couple brief thoughts on the Sixers, I think they’re the fourth best team in the conference, behind the Heat, Pistons, and Pacers, which makes them the #3 seed in the East. This will rely on the performance of two players, Chris Webber and Andre Iguodala. As long as Andre stayed in the gym and Chris stayed out of it, we should be in pretty good shape to take control of the game’s weakest division. Please disregard every nice thing I have ever said about our team if Andrew Bogut puts 20 and 10 on us tonight.

Note: As i was finishing this post, Iverson drew the first whistle of the season, 44 seconds into the game.

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