Saturday, October 1


"If it ends up where he can't function, then we'll shut him down." -Andy Reid, on Donovan's hernia.

From the beginning it has been clear that Andy and Five have been on the same page, maintaining the company line with a even-keeled disposition. They have always spoke in repetitive, mechanical tones, and that's fine. I like my coach and quarterback to be steady, to take the losses as well as the wins. But something struck me as odd about this comment, and it is starting to put their icy demeanor into greater perspective. "Can't function" and "shut down" are not phrases that we generally use to describe human beings. Andy is not just speaking mechanically here, he is literally referring to Donovan as a machine.

Is it so unreasonable to believe that Donovan is actually a cyborg, sent to dominate the NFC, and to one day capture the Lombardi trophy?

Q: What exactly is a cyborg?

A: The two working definitions of a cyborg, or "cybernetic organism" are: 1. A human who has certain physiological processes aided or controlled by mechanical or electronic devices; 2. A human being whose body has been taken over in whole or in part by electromechanical devices. For the purposes of this inquiry both definitions are fitting and useful.

Q: Cyborgs get injured?

A: This is not a perfected "Version 8.774," or anything of the sort. Recall from 'The Terminator' that it is not until 2028 that the machines become sufficiently advanced to do any sort of real damage. Even then, the machines could be killed, although weaponry greater than Chad Lavalais' helmet are necessary. Fortunately, Donovan's purpose is to win a Super Bowl, which should be significantly easier than eliminating the human race through mass warfare.

Q: If Donovan is a superior being, why has his completion ratio historically been so low?

A: If we take what we know about cyborg technology, we should not expect the scientific know-how at this juncture to produce a model in excess of Donovan's skills. Various -ologists might refer to him as a "Beta" model, or something along those lines.

Q: Might there be any other cyborgs in the league?

A: An excellent cyborg candidate can be found in the Arizona desert in Mr. Kurt Warner. His ascension from grocery store clerk to two-time league MVP in less than five years warrants further investigation. Similar to McNabb, he seems to be facing major malfunction, possibly because the Kurt Warner model was designed for use in a domed facility situated in the Middle-American plains, rather than the southwestern desert. A second candidate is Bill Belichick, whose ability to work 20 hour days for 10 months a year is also of interest, although he did show some human emotion last week when a Steelers' trainer tried to assist an injured Patriot, screaming "Get away from my [expletive] player."

Q: Could Donovan's name lend any information to the situation?

A: Research by Omega Impressions shows that Donovan's name may in fact be an acronym:
Digital operational neohuman optimized for violence and accurate nullification
Mechanical cybernetic Nullification and accurate battle being. This name faces us with a dilemma: If D.o.n.o.v.a.n. is an "accurate battle being," "optimized for accuracy," why did it take six years for him to finish a season with completion percentage above 60%? Perhaps human receivers Torrance Small, Na Brown, Dameane Douglas, Todd Pinkston, Freddie Mitchell and James Thrash were not designed for "catching."

Q: I love Donavan McNabb, but I can't stand cyborgs. How do I reconcile my internal contradictions?

A: Perhaps you should take a closer look at the definition of a cyborg. Someone with a pacemaker can be considered a cyborg. Do you hate old people who don’t want to die? Do you hate Krusty the Clown? Relax. Have a coke and a smile.

Q: If Donavan is a cyborg, why does he love Campbell's chunky soup so much?

A: Cyborgs are still part human, and have to eat. And nothing hits a cyborg’s spot like delicious chunky soup. As you’ll notice in the commercials, even cyborgs have the common sense to heat up their soup prior to consumption.

Q: What sort of mechanical malfunction caused Donavan's breakdown during the end of the 4th quarter of last year's super bowl?

A: Andy has taken his traditional, tight-lipped stance on this issue, which leaves us searching elsewhere for answers. Following the example of Kurt Warner's temperature sensitivity, it is possible that Donovan was designed for cold-weather usage, explaining his ability to thrive in northern winter climates, and eventually leading to his late game collapse in the Florida evening heat. Off-season training regimens in the Arizona heat may be an attempt to break the cycle and improve all-weather performance.

Q: What about Donovan's daughter, Alexis?

As Donovan is a cyborg, rather than a fully assimilated android, he can live and reproduce just as any other human with chillingly supreme execution and accuracy.

Q: As an Eagles fan, what does this mean to me?

A: Actually, very little. If nothing else, take solace in the fact that you have a superior being running your team, even if he is a prototype. If you're still upset, take a look around the league, and see if you like anything you see.

Q: What does tomorrow hold for D.o.n.o.v.a.n.?

A: It looks as if in the year 2154 Donovan will be reconstructed in order to break the monotony of the game of football, which by then will be played by "uninspired robots." The transition to boring robotic football should be seamless for Cowboys fans and in general anyone who has watched Drew Bledsoe over the past 8 years.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

"Fortunately, Donovan's purpose is to win a Super Bowl, which should be significantly easier than eliminating the human race through mass warfare."

Given the proliferation of nuclear weapons, and the inability of the Eagles to win a Super Bowl after making the NFC title game, I'd say eliminating the human race through mass warfare might be easier at this point.