Tuesday, February 7

Uh...Thanks for the Memories, Fellas

The "On the Waterfront Award"
To Mike McMahon, who "coulda been a contender" and parlayed himself into a second round pick from the Dolphins if only he had a little class and less interest in completions to guys wearing numbers 50-59.

The Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Other Frying Pan Award
To Todd Herremans, who performed admirably in his rookie season while being put into more offensive positions than an East St. Louis hooker.

The Michael Corleone "Just When I Thought I was out" Award

To the Chargers game, where we put together a ton of defense, not much O, and all the luck in the world to think we still had some destiny on our side. I think everyone's feeling were pretty much along the lines of "if Matt Ware can get his, why not me?"

The "Start Shitting Me Tiffany Cufflinks" Award
To Reggie Brown, who was a 24 carat diamond in the pile of horseshit that was our 2005 Eagles season. It'll be fun next year to see how many people keep their #81 jersey, work a little needlepoint magic and jump right on the Reggie bandwagon. Just remember kid, with high hopes come even higher expectations.

The Cyberdine Systems Model 101 Award

To Five, who will have nearly nine months to report back to SkyNET for system rehabilitation. Dr. Miles Bennet Dyson reports that this year's quartback model should have worked out the "worm-burner" and "Roy Williams auto-target" quirks. For backstory, take a trip down memory lane.

The Elephant in the Corner of the Room Award

To Timmy Chang, the NCAA all-time leader in passing yards, attempts, and interceptions. Somehow I failed to notice that we signed this monster and allocated him to NFL Europe back in January. I am, however, aware that he fell short of breaking the great Ty Detmer's NCAA touchdown record, again displaying that the NFL gods have a sense of humor if not a sense of justice.

The Sammy Dalembert Hands Transplant Award

To Greg Lewis, who played this year like he spent all offseason grabbing Medusa's tits.

The Nacho Libre "Put Your Shirt Back On" Award
To Brian Dawkins, Jeremiah Trotter, and Mike Bartrum, the Eagles' Three Amigos in this year's Pro Bowl. Finally three of my favorite Birds have a chance to go to Hawaii and be part of NFL history as Peyton Manning tries to join the great Richard Gannon as the only players to win back to back Pro Bowl MVPs.

The Rocky Balboa Local Legend Award
To Todd France, who was fortunately able to parlay his three-game run with the Birds into a starting gig with the Philadelphia Soul. Say hi to Bill Gramatica for me.

The Alvin Mack Playbook Genius Award
To Koy Detmer, who "understands the offense" with the best of them and couldn't lead his team to a W if he had Joe Montana's arm and John Holmes'...PGA tour card.

The Tim Hauck Memorial Hit of the Year Award
To Lito Sheppard, who came off his man to knock Keyshawn back to his SC glory days. Sheldon Brown picked up the loose change on his way to another pro-bowl snub.

The Dennis Coles Award
To Jon Runyan, who completed his sixth consecutive season with the Birds without missing a game, including a full year's worth of playoff contests. Unfortunately, his neck/back hair will be unable to join Koy Detmer's neckbeard, Jake Plummer's mustache, and my U-beard in Hawaii this Sunday.

The Derrick Burgess Award
To Rod Hood, who played well enough to get snatched up in free agency and post 10 picks, 75 tackles, and 3 sacks next season for Arizona.

The Chief of Police "I Don't Like Your Jerk-off Behavior and I Don't Like you, Jerk-off" Award
To Dhani "shut the f%#k up" Jones, who became a top-notch on-field scapegoat during the 2005 campaign. To quote Homer Simpson: "Effigy eh? Yep, nothing burns quite like an effigy."

The Hal Morra Memorial "Great Idea That Went Nowhere" Award
When WIP was deciding what to do with all everyone's T.O. jersey, a buddy of mine came up with a plan to have everyone drive to his house and throw their jerseys on the lawn, which would serve the dual purpose of house cleaning and making his lawn green for once.

The Andy Reid Understatement of the Season
"It's tough to win football games like that."
-Insert wherever you see fit. It happened to be in response to the Zona game, but wow, imagine the possibilities.

The Sandals and Socks Street Clothes Player of the Year

To Jerome McDougle, who couldn't get a fair shot all season. Just imagine if he had a chance to get on the field and blow it like the rest of the team. Anything to put some pressure on the winner of the...

The Milk Carton Player of the Year Award
Which could go to no one but Jevon Kearse, who picked up a third of his 7.5 sacks during one half against one Elisha Nelson Manning. Thanks Freak!

The Pour Some Sugar on Me Strip of the Year
To Sheldon Brown, for his Samson-like strip of Reche Caldwell that set up Quentin Mikell's blocked field goal. Toss in Sheldon's league leading 25 passes defensed and you've got a man who's short two tickets to Hawaii. Enjoy your Mai-Tais, DeAngelo, Nathan, and Ronde.

The Jack of all Trades, Master of None Award
To Reno Mahe, who does everything just well enough to hog up a roster spot. To his credit he couldn't be a nicer guy and he did lead the league in punt return average. If he ran the ball as well as he answers phones and seats diners he could have a real place in the league.

The Preparation H Pain in the Ass Award
To Shawn Andrews, who could have half the city eating out of the palm of his hand (which would be a nice role-reversal) if not for his league leading holding and false-start numbers. Talent has a way of blinding fans to your screw-ups, but when you're pushing 4 bills it's tough to hide from anyone.

The Billy Batts Award
To Matt Ware, whose week seven heroics were just enough to take our attention away from how awful he is for any other game. But I'll admit that I've never felt a stadium go from graveyard quiet to Spinal Tap 11 like that before.

The "Free Mahi Mahi" Award
From Bud and Doyle right to you, L.J. Keep flippin' and floppin' and we'll work the ball your way because lord knows there's no one other than you and Reggie catching balls for this club.

The Black Knight "It's Just a Flesh Wound" Award
To Mike Lewis, who battled through some well-hushed injuries throughout an understandably tough year. My only complaint with his 107 tackles is that a third of those plays never should have gotten to the third level.

The Porky Pig Award
To "King Koybra" Detmer and his neckbeard (which is now a 7-year All-Pro and will be heading to Hawaii for the Pro-Bowl), who finished the season the way it had to end, with an interception to Redskins safety Ryan Clark, cementing his status as one of the best placekick/clipboard holders in the history of the Philadelphia Eagles.

3 comments:

Matt said...

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Hal said...

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