Thursday, February 2

Hypothetical: Gladiators

This is a three-parter, so pace yourselves, but please do come up with an answer.

Part 1: What American Gladiators event do you think you'd have the best chance in? Think you could outfox Sabre in the Atlasphere? Maybe you'd try to get slick in Assault, dodge a couple tennis balls, and deliver a strike with the Nerf bow-and-arrow? Perhaps you want to lay it on the line and take on Tower and Nitro in the Gauntlet. I know for a fact that I could dominate The Wall, and get absolutely shredded in anything else.

Part 2: Could you finish The Eliminator in under 10 minutes? Questions to ask yourself include: Can I run up a hill? Operate a stair master? Complete the hand-bike section in under five tries? How about the spinning cylinder thing? I'm going with yes here, please let me know if you disagree.

Part 3: What if you could go against the "female" Gladiators rather than the men. Think you could do any better? Checking the stats, they're not quite as big as I remembered, averaging out around 5'7, 165, maxing out with Sky at 6'3, 185. I'd say you would again have no shot, especially in any events requiring skills such as quickness, endurance, or athletic ability.


HB said...

1. Clearly, I would dominate The Maze, only instead of that ugly, poorly-lit mess in the arena, I would defeat the Drugged Primates in that Alpha and Omega of all mazes -- the hedge maze at the Overlook Hotel in Stanley Kubrick's film The Shining (1980). I'd get those bulky but easily confused lugs lost in the snow and backtrack out of that bitch, Danny Torrance-style.

2. I would be the first contestant to ever finish the Eliminator in 30 seconds, due to my use of an ornate pocketwatch with the ability to stop time purchased at that suspicious antique shop in a forgotten corner of the city.

3. Hal, I find this question personally offensive as you assume your readership to be 'men'. (Except the part where you've placed 'female' in quotation marks, acknowledging that gender is a social construct.) Therefore, I refuse to answer.

Hal said...

1. agree.
2. disagree, but could be convinced.
3. i do not assume that, and i know a few girls, women even, who stop by often. i am however, assuming that girls would rather battle Sky in The Joust than Gemini. And my use of female in quotation marks was meant more to acknowledge that they have penises.

bostoncubedweller said...

1) I believe breakthrough and conquer would be my event. While a shift in priorities from wrestling to professional alcoholism and apathy have degraded my performance, I still guarantee that I could move someone 8 feet. As for the "breakthrough" portion, I think I'd have to use a shiny steroid needle as a distraction, letting them chase after their addiction while I trotted into the endzone before trying to renegotiate my contract with my new Drewish agent.

2) 10 minutes is a lot of time. I'm going to have to go with Hal's yes answer on this. The stopwatch idea is intriguing though...someone should make a movie about that.

3) I don't know, I think I'd do pretty well with the female gladiators. A couple of glasses of wine, some witty conversation (not too witty, I mean, they are bodybuilders), and some trademark batting of the eyelashes and I feel confident someone would be winning at Whiplash.

Sarah B said...

I'll begin with addressing the third point, which I do appreciate the use of quotations on female, as gender lines do become increasingly blurred when steroid use is in play. Having said that, I'm not sure weather I would have any more of an advantage facing a "male" gladiator or a "female" gladiator; however, I wouldn't mind having ice wrap her legs around me.

Moving back to part 1; without a doubt, “hang tough” would be my best event. This event takes the least amount of balance, which I am in desperate lack of. Additionally, my freakishly strong arms coupled with my infamous scissor lock leg maneuver would make me pretty much unstoppable.

On the subject of the Eliminator, I could probably finish it twice in ten minutes. I have no experience to support this, but ten minutes seems like an awfully long time to go through an obstacle course.

Andy said...

1) I dont remember the event names, but i think the gauntlet is my event

2) i could prob finish the thing in under 10 mins, i dunno

3)id wreck all those women

j to the z said...

I would dominate the "smoking cigarettes" competition, as well as that huge fucking q-tip. I also believe my skills at "being dumped" would come in handy when going neck to adams apple with the men, because I have enough rage in me to make paul bunyan say DAMN.

Dave said...

1. I think I'd have a shot in the kick-off return event whose name I can't remember. I'd only have to get by one gladiator once short a short track.

2. I don't think I could. I'd get caught on the wall, the hand-bike, or at least one other part.

3. I'd definitely have a better shot against the females, at least I'm not that much smaller than some of them.

James said...

1. I can't remember the events but I think i could dodge the tennis ball cannon and hit that target but be useless in the other events.

2. Easily

3. Very easily

WantaKitten said...

1. I would kill in the human cannonball. (In my head.) I would also tear it up in the maze. (More realistically)

2. I think I could do it, at least I thought I could when I was 12.

3. They'd all kick my ass.

Armando said...

i would dominate the wall climb part. i would also refuse to use a rope, and would require crampons with which to stab my competitor/gladiator.

2. the hand bike would destroy me absolutely

3. i'd have no chance

AMW said...

1. My event- Human cannon ball. Actually this is the one event I don't remember, but based on all the others and the name itself I'd wreck everyone.

Scenario A: Me being launched out of a cannon. Visualize. Point executed.
Scenario B: All of the years I've spent focusing on my physical health would pay off here. Being all of 58.65 inches and 1488 ounces, of course I'd be able to control a piece offensive machinery that has to weigh atleast 5 times that.
But, its not over yet. Mind over matter. Those who have observed or interatacted with me, are fully aware that I am the mistress of Zen and mental stability.
Even though Siren and Lace did run through more hypodermic syringes (in their 2-3 year stints on the show) than your wealthiest West Village doper- I'm still more badass. It's the heartagram.

2.How steep is the hill and can I jog? Stairmaster- what time of day is it and have I had my 3pm wake up meds yet? If its one of those hand bikes they give kids with cerebal palsy to use so they don't slap themselves in the face- then I'd probably finish in 8-10 tries. The hamster ball thing..refer to question 1 scenario A. Different forces, but I think I've got that under control.

3. Sex is negligible when the Gladiator species is still up for debate. The only way I could ever tell the "difference" was because of the unitard vs. the sequin bra. The Zen within says that I could rape Dallas, Storm and Laser regardless of species or sex. And I wouldn't leave a tip.

howard said...

Sorry for the off-topic comment, but perhaps you'd like to know the latest Philly Future Featured Blog poll is up and running until this Sunday at noon.

(I would've emailed you, but I can't locate your email address.)