Friday, February 17

It's Faaaantastic!

Remember when you were a kid and you would take apart your radio and then try to put it together again, maybe with a few rad decals? Well it just goes to show you that all those "if it ain't broke don't fix it" people are completely afuera de sus cabezas. Fixing stuff that isn't broken is always great, and it saves you the time and energy of arguing about whether something is broken in the first place. Here are eight changes for this weekend's NBA All Star game, as recommended by the green bleeder staff and friends. As always, consider yourself encouraged to toss in any ideas of your own.

Bring Back the Mascot Dunk Contest
Start off with a total no brainer. You can't beat the Phoenix Gorilla soaring eighteen feet for a triple front flip twice through the legs power slam. If nothing else, it's a great event to add to your list of things you've gambled on, right next to computer simulations of Madden.

Then Leave the Trampolines on the Court

For the first five minutes of the second half. Ladies and Gentlemen, start your insurance premiums. Anyone want to take bets on whether or not Vince could clear the backboard off a trampoline? Three-point dunk? Sky's the limit here, literally.

$5 Million to the Dunk Contest Winner
This idea didn't start with me, but I'm more than happy to give it fresh legs. While extra cash might not bring in some of the big big names, it'll certainly get top effort out of a few rookies "scraping by" on $600,000 a year. Drag in Nike and Reebok, hike the price up to $20 mil, and see if LeBron doesn't lace em up. It would also be nice to see a few guys try to come out of retirement to compete.

Half-court shootout to settle any controversies
Jump Ball? Half court shootout. Flagrant Foul? Half court shootout. Who has to pay alimony to that groupie someone on Seattle got pregnant last month? Half court shootout.

Take the top two vote getters, put them at half court, and have them pick their teams schoolyard-style. I figure they'll start with the premiers, grab a couple bigs, then make sure you get the mega close-up when Pau Gasol gets picked last. Although you could make a strong case for Kobe as the caboose.

Mamba Said There'd be Days Like This
This one's up to the players, but nothing would be better than giving Kobe 48 minutes of "fat kid with the rec-specs" freeze-out time. Keep him on the court, keep letting him yell and hold up his hands, and keep feeding it to McGrady and Duncan. Could he make it through the first half without punching Tony Parker in the kidney, stealing the ball, and climbing all over Yao for the slam?

Bring in Some Rock n Jock Provisions
But not Dan Cortese, unless he's wearing a tux and playing 'Jolly Green Giant' on a grand piano. But definitely add in the 10 point shot and the twenty-five foot high basket. But again, no Justin Timberlake, and absolutely no Dean Cain. I'd listen to arguments for Dr. Dre and Ed Lover, but they'd have to be strong and well-articulated.

All-Star Zebras
How about a ref trio of Bill Laimbeer, Ron Artest, and Charles Oakley. I might be amenable to giving Kobe the ball if we had these guys in stripes.


zach said...

Mamba Said There'd be Days Like This

Dave W said...

What about a one-on-one or two-on-two portion. I'd love to see Lebron and Dwayne Wade vs. Kobe and Shawn Marion with all that open space.

Hal said...

I'm all for it. What do you think would be the best 2 man team? I think a Lebron-Kirilenko or Lebron-Garnett/Duncan team would be up there. It's tough to include the Mamba because then it's a 2 on 1.

z said...

lebron is going to be the baddest motherfucker on the court in twelve to eighteen months but for right now you can't really tell me he's anything more than top 10 (which, obviously, is still very good.)

the correct answer is, and it pains me to say this, kobe bryant and tim duncan.

Armando said...

i'd take iverson sitting on shaq's shoulders over all of them at once

z said...

shaq's got a bad back. i know iverson weighs as much as a pre-pubescent girl, but still.

iverson did have the best crossover of the season against us a month ago. i think nenard kristic is still going to his left.