Tuesday, February 21

Oh, and we need you to piss in this cup on your way out

Before looking at any trade possibilities with your team, it's important that you first identify which players you will stubbornly refer to as untradeable, that is, until a deal comes along so tempting that you can't help but swap your franchise player for Luol Deng and two first-round picks. For our purposes, the only players I considered untouchable (until I ran out of other ideas) were Allen Iverson and Shavlik Randoph. If you read this site with at least bi-weekly frequency, this should be approximately as surprising as finding out that the Chinese eat a lot of rice and there's a small faction in the Middle East who don't think that Americans are where it's at. All of the following trades work under ESPN's "Trade Machine," which I encourage everyone to visit and propose your own nonsense.

The Monster Mash
Trade #1: Kevin Garnett and Rashad McCants for Andre Iguodala, Samuel Dalembert, and Jamal Mashburn. One thing this trade has going for it is that it makes sense for both things. As you will soon see, this is not a prerequisite for most trades, and in fact cannot be the case if you expect to make a trade with Isiah Thomas. Minnesota gets to dump Garnett's contract and start over, and we get a monster talent and another monster contract. Rashad's not making many friends up north, and you can't trade 3 for 1, so he gets a nice new jersey as well. A recurring theme you'll see in a few of these trades is Jamal Mashburn, who you previously thought was on a beach sipping fruity umbrella drinks and trying not to make babies. Well, he probably is, but he's also on our payroll, and his $10 million dollar expiring contract is a hot commodity in the land of the lost GM.

Trade #2: Paul Pierce for Johnny Salmons and Jamal Mashburn. Similar to the previous trade, Boston dumps talent and a contract for two expiring contracts. Bonus for them in that they don't have to knit a new jersey for Mash, although he may drop by for a few pairs of sweats. Another solid move for the Sixers. May be tough considering that last year the Celtics turned down Pierce for Dalembert and Iguodala. But in the words of Ed Wade, "What do I know?"

Trade #3: Jesus Shuttlesworth and Robert Swift for Lee Nailon, Jamal Mashburn, John Salmons, and Michael Bradley (aka. all of our expiring contracts except Shavlik). In case I didn't present enough talent for contract swaps, here's another going our way. This one's even more fun because we get a superstar and a box-office draw in one deal, and he comes with his own personal butler.

Fun with Isiah
Steven Hunter and Michael Bradley for Channing frye, Trevor Ariza, and David Lee. It was only a matter of time and space before I got to a trade with the Knicks, and here it is. New York gets a couple of expiring contracts and rids themselves of dreaded talented players that Larry Brown would ultimately squander before leaving skidmarks out of town. The only problem with this deal is...

When Isiah signed on as the Knicks GM, there was a provision in his contract that he couldn't make any trades that didn't take on an awful contract and handcuff the team for at least the next two years. So we'll throw in Chris Webber and take back Penny Hardaway's expiring contract and you've got a blockbuster deal. The Sixers get young talent, the Knicks get another power forward with bad knees and a worse contract, and everyone's happy. If the Knicks hadn't traded away their draft picks I would have thrown those in here too.

The Truth
Trade #1: Kevin Ollie and John Salmons for Marko Jaric. Billy King thinks that he's getting a big point to play aside Allen, but he's actually trading two minute eaters for one turnover machine.

Trade #2: Billy King trades his bear claw and decaf coffee to Elgin Baylor for two packs of sugar (refined) and the rights to a cheese danish (lottery protected) in 2009.

Just for kicks, let's bust some blocks
Trade #1: The entire Sixers roster except Dalembert and Louis Williams (don't ask) for the entire Detroit Pistons roster except Kelvin Cato and Tayshaun Prince (more on this next week).

Trade #2: Allen Iverson and Shavlik Randolph for The Mamba, Luke Walton, and 23,000 barf bags.

6 comments:

howard said...

Heh. Priceless.

Cameron said...

There is no way I would give up a cheese danish, even an imaginary one in 2009, for a crappy bear claw and some decaf.

MrPhillySucks said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
MrPhillySucks said...

I cannot believe a goofball like Robert Swift is in the NBA and I am sitting here commenting in a blog. WTF?

That Louis Williams pick has really panned out well. At least he got down the art of how to wear a headband.

Sorry, effed up the first post.

Hal said...

1. robert swift-believe it. and thanks for the comment.

2. NO-ONE, repeat, no-one has the headband down like Louie the kid. If it wasn't for Shavlik, he'd be our best cheerleader since gold-medalist Pepe Sanchez.

x-intern said...

how about this: marbury for AI straight up? PLEASE? PLEASE TAKE MARBURY HE IS KILLING ME!