Breaking News: We're Flandereses

Philadelphia (PA) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Philadelphia Pa courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.


After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia Eagles, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Commentary:
This is what people think of us right now. John Clayton, my ESPN hero, has the Redskins winning the division, with the Giants picking up the wildcard. If we don't get behind this team fast and hard, it's gonna be a looong winter. So once you figure out what to do with your #81 jersey (I suggest mailing it back to T.O. with a gentle request for a refund, claiming that your jersey underperformed its contract), get your act together and paint your house green, stage a "playoff strike" and chain yourself to the stadium until we make the playoffs, or go on WIP and eat 15 gallons of Eagles Touchdown Sundae. Do something.

Up Down Drill

The Birds took another hit today, placing Hank Fraley on the IR, along with human battering ram Jason Short. Fraley's absence will put additional strain on an O-Line which is already handcuffed by Donovan's refusal to get rid of the ball in under five seconds. He'll be replaced from within, under the standard guidelines of Andy's "next man" theory. Short will be replaced by Dedrick Roper, hopefully the extra D in his name will help pick up the slack of a completely lackluster special teams group. In the skill position department, ex-employee #81 has been replaced by Chad Lewis, if he can make time.

Crawling Back

Eldorado took center stage today at 3, in what will certainly not be his last effort to salvage his contract and play a couple more downs. Highlights included his and Rosenhaus' hopes to play next Monday night vs. the Cowboys, as well as this gem:
Reporter: Drew, what do you feel like you've done for TO other than get him kicked off the team?
Drew: Next question.

I respect his talent, but only in the same way that I respect Mamba. That is, I think they are both an absolute joke, don't want them to have anything to do with my team, and expect them to dominate us at any and every opportunity. Other than that it's all gravy. Let me know if I'm out of line here and you think that A. We should take him back, B. You disagree because you have no respect whatsoever for him (even at the talent level), and/or C. You like Kobe's new nickname.

Update: Thus far, Dave Spadaro has put up the best column summarizing today's trainwreck.
Update: Andy Reid "No thanks"

Bobby McFerrin Time

So I turned on the TV today, and you'd never guess who they were talking about. Terrell Owens! Imagine how surprised I was to see his face on the screen. He might have had more air time than all of Sunday's 1378 active players combined. And I didn't want to talk about him, and I'm not going to waste your time giving him more ink, but his departure brings up one of the big topics I've been mulling over lately, that being a fan's long-term commitment to their team.

I love the Eagles. The earliest Eagles memory I have is losing to Washington in the 1990 wildcard game. As a child, I watched them for the next few years, and then moved away from the team for a while. Then, at the turn of the century, various forces in my life collided with the drafting of Donovan Jamal McNabb. Say what you will about the six seasons that have followed, but this team has brought a constant flow of joy to the Philadelphia fans. Given, they have come up short, but the Eagles under Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid have put together an unmatched streak of dominance. And for this I am grateful.

Every year you think you can win the Super Bowl. Some years you really mean it, and others years you are the Detroit Lions trying to play a home Super Bowl with a quarterback named Joey. We are fortunate to have meant it every year this century, and to not have our friends laugh in our faces.

As many of us having branched out of Philadelphia for school, we have brought the Eagles with us. We have gone to Arizona, to Boston, to California, to DC, and to New York. We have dusted off our jerseys and trodded down to the bar in our jerseys, proudly wearing the numbers of McNabb, Duce, Dawkins, Ritchie, and even Pinkston. We have ridden in a car with a Cowboys fan against the grain on one-way streets 50 miles per hour in two feet of snow to collect on a $50 bet. We have smashed twelve beers on our foreheads in front of 30,000 people in a losing effort. We have downloaded every shitty Eagles rap song that comes out mid-January.

And of course there have been some tough times. Taking a four point lead into the half against “the greatest show on turf.” Ronde Barber running 92 yards with our season in his hand. Brentson Buckner tearing Donovan’s rib cartilage as we put up 3 points at home. Andy Reid’s watch breaking against the Pats.

We’ve seen a lot of Eagles games, and we’re going to see a lot more. Every game feels important, and that is great. The fact that we have a team that we want to watch every week is a very special thing. Imagine waking up every Sunday, getting together with your friends, and trying to think of three reasons to be excited about watching your Cleveland Browns. Or try this: you’ve got work at 9 on Tuesday, which means you have to get up at 7 to take the Path Train to the uptown subway to make it in on time. What on earth are you going do to get excited about staying up until 1 AM to watch your 2005 New York Jets get beat up and down the field for sixty minutes? I gotta believe that it’s better to be let down than to never be in it in the first place.

We will remember all of these moments. We take the good with the bad. And this recap brings me to my point. Remember, this is coming from someone who definitively thinks the season is not lost. I’m willing to sacrifice this season for the future of this franchise. I can make it this year without a trophy. I can lean on the past, and look forward to the future. The window is not closing, it just needs some repairs. Take a look at the roster. It is young, deep, and talented. We’ve got speed and we’ve got power. We’ve got offense and we’ve got defense. In the long run, we’ll be able to look at this as just one more year where we didn’t quite make it. Andy and Joe took a flyer on a loose canon and the kickback blew up the fort. So they ditched him and we move on. Five is hurt and if he doesn’t get it together we will not make the playoffs. Unless he can get his head on straight and the O-Line can keep it there, making the playoffs will barely be a blessing. But they are doing the right thing. We’ve all put a lot into this season and those before it. And it might be a tough summer, but next year we’ll get up and do it again. This had to happen, and if it costs us one year, it’ll be worth it when we finally bring home the hardware.

Time to Make Some Lemonade

Four and Four. The first half is over. There’s nothing to do but forget about what happened, and look forward to the next eight games. And although we looked awful tonight, and although it seems like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, all is not lost.

Moving forward, we have a couple things going for us. First off, try and forget the botched fake snap, the inability to beat the blitz, and the game-ending interception. He did move well tonight, didn’t he? Isn’t that worth cracking a smile over? He was more or less accurate, and it if he could cut down the lawnmower passes and the passes into double coverage maybe he can do a little damage. Maybe? Just a little?

And perhaps the defense could step it up a little. A couple tackles from Lito; a sack from Trotter, who knows? Anything could happen. Hey, maybe the coverage teams will make a play before the 30, and maybe the refs won’t blow five calls every night.

While there are a lot of maybes floating around, here are six mortal locks for the next eight games.

1. Five of them are at home. There’s no place like home. Even if the fans are calling for Koy, and it’s 35 degrees out with a windchill of 14, at least you slept in your bed and drove your car to work.

2. The Green Bay Packers are terrible. I’ve watched them. You’ve watched them. This point is beyond debate.

3. The Arizona Cardinals are really terrible. Anytime you’re playing a platoon at QB with Josh McCown and Kurt Warner, you have problems that aren’t getting solved.

4. The Rams are the Rams. Mike Martz or no Mike Martz, you just can’t lose to these guys. It can’t happen

5. We play the Seahawks on Monday night, at home. I haven’t figured out how we’re gonna beat them, but it’s a fact that this game will happen. That much I am certain of.

6. We are not getting swept by the NFC East one year after sweeping the NFC East. It can’t happen and it won’t happen. At this point it looks bad, but we’ll figure one of the three teams out at least once. I hope it’s the Cowboys. I really do.

So if we don’t beat ourselves against Green Bay, Arizona, St. Louis, and Seattle, and we win two of the four remaining division games, well that’s 10-6. I remember a time when 10-6 was a parade record. There are 25+ teams in this league that would kill for ten wins. So put down your silk robe and crumpets and quit acting like a bunch of spoiled brat fans. We’re still gonna make the playoffs, we’re gonna beat some lousy teams, and as I said a long time ago, we only have to beat one team from the AFC to take home the trophy.

T.O. Flash

News is circulating that T.O. has not been suspended, Andy has chosen to "keep his options open" and has him listed as inactive. This seems important, but at this point I don't see how anyone can take either of them seriously.

One In, One Out

The wheels keep turning down at the NovaCare complex, as a multi-altercation week led to the departure of Terell Eldorado Owens. Owens definitely said we'd be better off with Brett Favre and called the organization "classless," and reportedly exchanged blows with Hugh Douglas before challenging anyone else in the building who wanted a piece. His grandma then quickly got his bottle to him and was able to diffuse the situation.

It's not hard to tell that we're a better team with him, and that we'll suffer in his absence, but it was to the point where it was to costly to have him around. Especially in a season where the gameplan is coming under weekly scrutiny, King Andy could not afford to have a malcontent on his side of the fence. It would be a strech at this point to expect Owens to step on the field as an Eagle again.

In another suprise move, management finally wrapped up Westrbrook with a 5 year $25 million contract. It's about time will be the rallying cry on this occassion. Happy as I am with keeping Brian, by most accounts the key to our offense, I am just as happy to see the shift in NFL thinking. Pro halfbacks can no longer be measured by carries and rushing yards, and Westbrook is a player who can usher in the era of touches and yards from scrimmage. Even if you think he got overpaid, have fun coloring in the picture.

And the best news of the day is that tonight's Eagles game will be broadcast on ABC, which means we should be able to avoid 3+ hours of Theismann, Maguire, and Patrick. Now all we have to worry about is winning the game.

Can't Get Enough Gotta Have it: Once You Pop...

We all know that every touchdown begins with T.O., but who knew that every tailgate can begin the same way. These peanuts are guaranteed to outperform their contract and verbally embarrass any other snacks you bring along. Also, if they reach any peanut milestones (most consecutive seasons with superior flavor, highest honey per nut, etc.) they will lash out at the team and then recind their comments later in the day. These nuts were upgraded to questionable earlier in the week when the bratwurst missed practice with a rib contusion. Click here for the peanut brittle, Josh.

Gotta Have It: 4 Long Years

Or six if you want to go for the masters. You'll have to sign up for the PhD program if you want to learn anything about running the ball, a topic not covered in Andy's seminar series. Short passes and diffusing emotional timebombs are discussed in minute detail. The scary part is that this diploma is better looking than the one NYU gave me, although it does lack a little substance.

It Was a Graveyard Smash

I don't like to post links too often, but just in case you haven't seen Mike Tyson and Bobby Brown singing "Monster Mash," well, here you go. I think the dancing really puts it over the top. It's not too often that you see the lead singer overshadowed by the backup, but it's also not that often that you see Mike Tyson dressed up like Eddie Munster, either.

Golden Showers Bring Dead Flowers

Here's an award you never saw coming for Bobby "Analog" Abreu: a gold glove. Go ahead, admire the marvelous luster. Word is that after Andruw Jones and Jim Edmonds were given their annual trophy, the voters put their heads together for long enough to come up with this sterling choice, which comes as a complete joke to anyone who watches Bobby misjudge balls off the wall and lose them in the sun on a daily basis. Today's Inquirer reports that "some managers and coaches who vote on the awards do so based on offensive performance," which is a terrible excuse, but brings a modicum of understanding to the situation. On the heels of Bobby's startling accolade, David Bell and Mike Lieberthal are neck and neck in the NL "Clutch Contributor" award voting.

Half Full: Sailing With Magellan

We're through week 8 in the NFL, so who’s ready for the 2005-2006 National Whistleball Association season! Before getting into the Sixers’ shot at the Larry O’Brien Trophy, let me take some a couple minutes to explain the history and rules of the fine sport which we are all set to enjoy.

Over the past decade, it has become evident to the NBA bigwigs that the average player has become far more athletic and degrees of magnitude stronger than the men for whom Dr. James Naismith created the game. Coupled with the growing disinterest in defense that is prevalent in all major American sports save NASCAR (where contact is fully encouraged and embraced by my account), the game of basketball at the professional level has become an offensive spectacle which David Stern and Co. have deemed “too entertaining” for the average fan.

In order that Joe Everyman should be able to enjoy the game and not feel bad about the fact that he himself has no interest in defense, the NBA brass has decided that they should put three teams on the court at a time. Said third team should consist of obnoxious older men of poor eyesight and medium to fair athletic ability who will wear uniforms consisting of black and white vertical stripes. Since these men would have trouble gaining control of ten other, much larger men, they are given noisemaking devices which they can use to stop the game at any juncture they deem necessary.

Which brings us to the present-day game, controlled not by the athletes themselves, but by men who can do a much more satisfactory job in controlling the outcome of the game to assure results which will please the NBA marketing department.

A couple brief thoughts on the Sixers, I think they’re the fourth best team in the conference, behind the Heat, Pistons, and Pacers, which makes them the #3 seed in the East. This will rely on the performance of two players, Chris Webber and Andre Iguodala. As long as Andre stayed in the gym and Chris stayed out of it, we should be in pretty good shape to take control of the game’s weakest division. Please disregard every nice thing I have ever said about our team if Andrew Bogut puts 20 and 10 on us tonight.

Note: As i was finishing this post, Iverson drew the first whistle of the season, 44 seconds into the game.

Half Empty: Oh Sixers...what will happen this year?

So tonight begins another baskeball season. We all know the NBA is only a shell of what it once was; there's no more Jordan, there's no more Bird, and hell....there's no more Vlade. It's a league of one on one players, and it seems like outside of Phantom of the Palace Rip Hamilton, no one can make a jumper. The Sixers made the playoffs last year behind more heroics from AI, but were vanquished in the first round by the defending champs. No one was too surprised, and when the Pistons went deep into the playoffs for the second straight year, Sixers fans chalked up our poor performance to a tough draw. So the offseason began. Jimmy O gets thrown out with the bathwater, even though the Sixers are now currently still paying off the contracts from our previous 38 coaches. In comes Mo Cheeks. Legend. Jersey up in the rafters. Fan Favorite. So what's in store for AI and the gang this year?

First thing to consider...has the Atlantic division gotten any stronger? Hardly. New Jersey might benefit from having Vincanity all season long, but then again they might be hurt by having him all season long. Have the Sixers gotten any stronger? Well they have a new and assumedly better coach. AI and Webber should have had some time to mesh a little more, in addition to Webber meshing with the rest of the team as well. They added Michael Bradley, Steven Hunter, and a couple rookies. So really the biggest change is in the coach. The rest of the Eastern Conference hasn't changed too drastically either, so it should play out fairly similarly. AI is a year older...maybe not so durable anymore, and obviously the same with Webber. I think he's going to be forced to miss more games than ever before, and the Sixers will clearly suffer for it. Look for a bigger contribution from the bench (including Korver), but not enough scoring outside of AI to present a real threat to any good team. They'll make the playoffs, but unless this team gels in a way that they haven't for the past two seasons, get ready for another early exit.

Off to the land of the Rising Sun

So tomorrow morning I leave for, that's right, Japan. While I'm going for musical reasons, I plan to come back with a full report on what I can glean from Japanese sports culture. It's a shame baseball isn't being played right now (although maybe things are backwards there and the season is just starting), because I'd love to see fans going crazy for baseball like it was Liverpool versus Madrid in the Champion's League. I do plan on buying some sweet Japanese baseball gear though, maybe a new glove, maybe some jerseys, you know....whatever I can afford. So nothing of course. Other than the obvious culture shock, what do you think I should expect from Japan? A land famous for weird fetishes, extreme politeness, and total respect for men with sweet beards like myself. Really when it comes down to it, I have not a damn clue.

The Energizer Donnie

He keeps throwing, and throwing and throwing...

Let's get ahead of ourselves a little bit and jump right to the start of the fourth quarter. Eagles are driving, down 28-21. They have just dealt Denver their third straight three and out, running the ball on only three of their nine plays. It's starting to rain. At this point you would be crazy to think Denver could come out of this one alive. They had blown two straight fourth quarter leads, and we've got the ball at their 44. I proudly pronounce that the game is in Five's hands. And we keep throwing, and throwing, and throwing. The breaks start going our way, as Shanahan loses his first challenge of the game. And here's where it all falls apart.

Donovan drops back, sees man coverage over the middle, where Reggie Brown has gained position on rookie CB Domonique Foxworth. He puts it up, and it's complete, only to the wrong player. Three minutes later, touchdown. Another three minutes, touchdown. Six more minutes, touchdown. Game over.

The loss was tough, but this was a game we could afford to lose. Overall we went 3-1 against the AFC West, although it felt a lot closer to 1-3, and we were behind in fourth quarter against all four teams except KC, where we were down 11 at the half and square after 3. And I've always said that if you're gonna lose a game, this is the way to lose it. Get blown out. Get humiliated. Have something to prove. It's nice to squeak out a few wins where we get lucky, but I'll take a loss like this over a last second field goal any Sunday. Would you rather have a girl lead you on all night, ordering $8 cocktails, staying close by your side, and then skirting out when the bar closes in some dude’s Benz SL, or have her just throw a drink in your face at eleven, giving you three solid hours to rebound?

But the loss wasn’t the scary part. What got me was that Donnie looked good for a while. He danced a bit, hit a few guys in stride (don’t forget about Greg Lewis’ drop), and scampered for a first down to keep a drive alive. We all assumed that Donnie’s not himself right now, and he’s fighting through and trying to make the best of a ghastly situation. Well, what if he is himself? What if he’s gotten used to the pain, understands his slight limitations, and still just can’t get the job done? The last thing this team can afford is for 5 to lose the respect of his teammates. What was once unthinkable, is now looming on the horizon. These guys are not happy, and they are not battling the situation in a constructive manner. I know I don’t have much to go on, but shots of the bench show players sitting alone, or visibly complaining. How much longer can it go on?

Here’s the next scary part. One team from the NFC North and one from the West have to make the playoffs. It’s a rule. It’s terrible. If the Bears don’t come out of the North I won’t even know which way is up. And the thought of Seattle dropping passes all through the playoffs again is mortifying. What this means is that the top two teams in the East and South are in almost regardless of their record. And if we don’t get our act together, we’re in prime position to miss the boat to Detroit.

And here's the scariest part. Andy is moving closer and closer towards Martyland. Fanstatic Monday-Saturday coach, but watching him on Sunday is about as fun as trying to get an ocelot to mate with Cher. You couldn't ask for a better break than to have the best WR in the league matched up with a CB playing with a dislocated shoulder and a bum hammy. They finally made it happen, turning a quick hitch into a 91-yard trip to the endzone, but it was more of a "where was that play all game" than a "he's got it figured out now" situation. I guess the lesson is, if it looks like a stubborn guy with a mustache and a playbook, and it acts like a stubborn guy with a playbook....