Thursday, March 1


Lay down. Lay flat on your chest with your hands exposed. And listen. You need to stop winning these games. You need to stop winning anything. If I were you I'd be out throwing celebrity games. I'd lose in 1-1 to my six-year old just as to not get accustomed to the idea of winning. Next year, you can win all you want. You can win two, three, four times a day. But not this year. This year there is a young man in Texas, who, while you were out beating the best team in the league, took down the fifth-ranked team in the nation in double-OT. And if that's not enough, there's another young man in Ohio who is beating up the country left-handed. But if you want to hop around, playing defense, not moving on screens, hitting open jumpers, and playing good team basketball, just to line yourselves up for Brandan Wright, or Joakim Noah, or Yi Jianlian, I'm not gonna stand for it. And neither is the rest of this town. You've got a big game tonight against basement rival Memphis. This is a must-lose game. It cannot be stressed enough. This will be a tough game to lose. We'll need bad passes, twenty-four second violations, errant fouls, we'll need to really pull out all the stops to blow this one. But it has to be done. You are hopeless. Thank god Shavlik's still out robbing Miller trucks, that guy doesn't know how to turn it off. But the rest of you, you should know better.

Something's gotta turn around, because I'm getting really sick of all this winning.

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