Tuesday, September 5

I have zee lingonberry pancakes

Number 72. Six-foot-seven...three hundred and thirty-five pounds.
Number 79. Six-foot-six...three hundred and twenty-one pounds.
Number 67. Six-foot-four...three hundred and thirty pounds.
Number 73. Six-foot-four...three hundred and forty pounds.
Number 69. Six-foot-seven...three hundred and thirty pounds.

These are five reasons why Donovan McNabb is set to have the greatest year in Philadelphia sports history and hoist the Lombardi trophy so high he's gonna bring rain. My friend, have you ever seen a six foot seven, three hundred and thirty-five pound man? Have you ever seen a man bend over twice just to get through a doorway? Have you ever seen the fear in the eyes of a waiter, so scared that if this man's steak is overdone he's gonna be in traction for sixteen and a half weeks? These are five Paul Bunyans determined to let no man lay a hand on their blue ox.

Fuck dogs, an offensive lineman is a man's best friend. Everything that goes right, and half the things that go wrong this year will be on the merit of these five men, and their five apprentices waiting in the wings. Have you seen Max Jean-Giles! This man dominates folding chairs. Wicker furniture trembles.

Remember that old 5th grade science project where you had to design some kind of contraption to put an egg into, then you drop it off the roof, and if your egg doesn't break, you get an A? Well, if you're the Redskins, you wait until March 11th, then wrap the egg in money. If you're the Giants, you're probably too upset about how shitty your egg is, so you just throw the motherfucker into the wall. If you're the Cowboys, you hard-boil the egg, chuck it and hope no one notices, because your karma's already fucked. Well, Andy Reid took his egg, and wrapped it in 1,656 pounds of meat, because Andy cares about his egg, and knows that his egg will carry him. Our egg is a beautiful egg.


HB said...

Finally, you've come along! But now I'm imagining an egg wrapped in one and a half tons of meat... not pleasant first thing in the morning.

x-intern and current G-Men fan said...

Congrats Hal, you made blinq. I thought you were in Africa.

And I agree, our egg is shitty and I want to throw it at a wall.

Gerald said...

nice Hal, way to infiltrate the Philly sports writing scene... from freakin Africa.

Cameron said...

This receives my nomination for "best sports post from a country whose GDP is less than the operating budget of the team about which the article is written"

Hal said...

Do you homework, cam. https://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook/rankorder/2004rank.html

Cameron said...

I actually did do the homework. I found the GDP, noticed it was a good 3 orders of magnitude greater than I thought it would be, then wrote the post anyway.

Because I thought it was clever.

Dear God why can't you just let me have my moment, you calculating bastard?