Tuesday, June 6

Juvenation Machine

I'm putting you all in control. All thirty of our readers out there are now have sole discretion as to how often a new post will come out. It can come morning, noon, or night, in rain, hail, snow, or sleet. All you have to do is argue. So begins the great movie athlete debate, brought to you by Tullamore Dew, Patron, and McKinley's Tavern. We're gonna go sport by sport until we have definitevely determined the top movie athelete for each sport. As soon as we have selected our athelete, it will be time to move on. In the event of a any unrelenting debates, Armando, James, my Dad, and I will vote, at which point we will have then most likely have another tie and then we'll just flip a coin. Guidelines? I'm glad you asked.

  • Only fictional atheltes. I know how much you loved John Goodman as the Babe, Kareem in Airplane, and Joe Montana on SNL, but were gonna have to put them on the shelf for now with your Kazuhito Tadano video (yes, i know it was a one-time incident)
  • However, real athletes playing fictional characters will warrant consideration, such as Lawrence Taylor's performance in 'Any Given Sunday.'

  • First up, football. There's a lot to deal with here, from Willie Beamon (who may end up winning for best song by an athlete), to Paul Crewe taking down the guards and winning one for Caretaker. For me, the discussion begins and ends with the silver screen's greatest sack master, Bobby Boucher. A devastating presence at middle linebacker while lining up at a stout 5'10, the Waterboy was a one-man defensive machine who created absolute havoc for offenses all throughout southern Lousiana. Boucher was the pinacle of speed and power on the football field, as well as the consumate team player and family man.

    Let the games begin. I eagerly anticipate your comments.


    HB said...

    Without question, Ray Finkle from 'Ace Ventura: Pet Detective'. That's the first fictional football player that came to mind and, like the best of athletes, I'm going to go with my instincts on this one. Also, Finkle's crushing loss of nerve, subsequent mental breakdown and sex change seems a fitting metaphor for our uprooted culture's search for a moral compass.

    x-intern said...

    Johnny Walker from "Johnny Be Good." Every college in the country is falling head over heels for this guy, and its easy to see why. Bonus points for Anthony Michael Hall playing Johnny. Oh and Uma Thurman is SMOKING hot.

    I don't have his stat sheet but Johnny is unstoppable. Check out the IMDB profile:


    x-intern said...

    P.S. It is good to see Hal is indeed alive and well. I was about to hire "Dog the Bounty Hunter" to track him down.

    Hal said...

    Johnny is a good call who never came up in last night's discussion. However, I think level of competetion has to come into play here, and though he does light it up, he's still playing high school ball while Boucher defining moment comes against coach Red Beaulieu in the Bourbon Bowl.

    Anonymous said...

    Not to be nit picky, but isnt it Bobby Boucher.
    Also, you are all overlooking the greatest clutch player in the history of sports movies. No-Im not talking keanu in the replacements or Samois/Lynn McGill/Sam Gamgee/Dave/Mikey in Rudy. Im talking about the prettier, more successful (although unproven at the professional level) version of Ray Finkel-Kathy Ireland from Necesary Roughness. Not only does she not choke under pressure but she also doesnt have balls tucked into her ass crack. That means that after she nails the big field goal, you dont have to feel guilty when you rub one out thinking about her.
    Also, do you think we could have a special category for "heart-warming" athletes. Then maybe Radio can finally get some of the awards that the academy totally slighted it for.

    Hal said...

    It's definitely bobby boucher, and i definitely did not proof read that paragraph.

    Kathy Ireland is fantastic in Necessary Roughness, but when it all comes down, she plays a kicker. I really don't have much more to say about this, but I think we're gonna have a lot of trouble putting a kicker above the likes of Boucher and Alvin Mack.

    Cam'ron said...

    This discussion sickens me. Six comments without mention of the greatest of all sports movies? Six comments without once reading about the film that put Charlie Sheen on the map, in our hearts, and on the wall of Hal's bedroom (the poster is right next to his my little pony collection)?

    That's right, I'm talking MAJOR LEAGUE. Now, I'm okay with arguing between the Wild Thing and Wesley Snipes's Willie Mays Hays, but if someone from this Film Noir classic doesn't win, there may be issues.

    Reverenddave said...

    The moment you see Kathy Ireland run up to kick she disqualifies herself. If she isnt coordinated enough to run up to the ball much less kick it.
    Besides the obvious winner is Becky "Icebox" O'Shea from Little Giants. As improbable a talent as Bobby Boucher she has just as much grit and more intelligence.

    Hal said...

    that's fantastic cam, but we're working on football here. everyone's very excited to discuss how wild thing "looks like a banker in this."

    cam'ron said...

    Wait, major league isn't about football?

    I still think Charlie sheen should win.

    Armando said...

    if you don't go with boucher here, you clearly haven't seen the movie.

    if you want to argue based on "most likeable" or whatever, maybe he doesn't win. but seriously, on talent alone he clearly wins it. not only does he make girls fall in love with him, devastate QBs, and keep it so real in the swamps, but he's proven that he's a multi-moviesport athlete. but i think we're gonna get into that later.

    cam is right in mentioning how unbelievable major league is, but you will be certainly dissappointed when you find that wild thing is not the best movie baseball player of all time.

    Anonymous said...

    Lattimer from "The Program." Beyond bearing a striking resemblance to "Dog the Bounty Hunter" he has some very identifiable problems as it pertains to modern day athletics. For example, his undying passion for the juice and his intolerance for women refusing him some play. This is the guy. I am sorry but a half retarded Sandler just doesn't stack up to Lattimer.


    Hal said...

    Latimer* is an all time great, but there's two problems. One, he wasn't the best player on his defense, Alvin Mack was. Two, the game ends on him getting defeated at the goal line, while The Waterboy ends with Boucher drinking glacier water and putting the Fonz in the rejuvenation machine.

    greene said...

    beamon was solid, TO playing his lead WR, not bill bellamy, also solid. i wish ellery moore was a fictional character because hed win in a walk, although only hal will know who that is. other names to throw out there for debate, johnny moxon, sunshine from remember the titans, flattop from necessary roughness (was that flattop again?), the DB from the replacements (the dude who they got from prison who was a former nfl player), jimmy dix from last boyscout ("best arm in the national league"), spike from little giants, ricky from boyz n the hood (his game tape was nice), forrest gump, matt dillon in something about mary (he OWNED those retards)... thats all for now, hal i hope you saved those texts from the other night, because i gave you guys pure gold in every category but i was half asleep and cant remember half of them now.

    hughes said...

    2. Bradley Cooper in the touch football game, Wedding Crashers. This is one of the most dominant performances in a non-organized sporting event in movie history.

    1. Jon Favreau as Daniel Bateman in The Replacements. His job is to get the ball. He gets the ball.