Wednesday, February 21

The Great No-Talent NBA Debate

As is usually the case for our discussions, Hal, myself, and another friend were discussing the NBA over some beers the other day. We were watching the Lakers, so of course we discussed how the Mamba is unstoppable. They were playing the Cavs, so of course we discussed how Bron really needs to quit it with the nail biting nonsense.

However, the most interesting question was this. If you were to play in the NBA for one game, what statistic could you most easily acquire? And I don't mean a turnover.

Let's discuss the relative merits of all of them.

1) Point -- fat chance I could ever score in the NBA. Even if fouled, I most certainly guarantee that I would miss both free throws because I'm a no-talent loser.

2) Block -- Even if we were playing in a reverse gravity gym, with 8 foot ceilings, and I was still in normal gravity, I couldn't block anyone. I'm not strong enough.

So that leaves us with the last three: rebounds, steals, and assists. A tough decision, as there is potential in each of these. For instance, a rebound can come off the rim in a weird enough way that it could fall into my hands, no matter where on the court I am. Similarly, if AI knocked the ball loose from an unsuspecting opponent, and I caught it, the steal counts for me. I could pass the ball to almost anyone in the NBA, and they could score, giving me an assist. So which of these three viable options is the most viable?

First, I'm going to rule out the rebound, simply because at any moment, virtually anyone in the NBA could box me out, or just take the ball from my hands.

For basically the same reason, I'm going to rule out the steal. In any sort of scrum scenario, anyone would be able to rip the ball out of my hands.

Now we come to the assist. Given the right scenario, I believe that I could successfully move the ball from under my own basket after an opposing point, across half court, and pass to someone who could take a shot, or drive to the net, and score. Giving me an assist, and putting my name in the NBA record books.


Anonymous said...

No chance you're getting an assist, because they're gonna play a box and minus-one against you, double-teaming the rest of your buddies, forcing you to brick 12-footers. Much better chance of a lucky rebound bouncing out to the edge. Don't forget to call time out (sorry Chris Webber).

zstin said...

i would totally rack up a foul. just run up to a player a foot taller than you and punch him in the nuts. then pray.

be sure the refs are watching, you don't want a no call. try saying "hey ref! watch me! im going to foul another player right now!"

Armando said...

i was really talking about good stats....but who wouldn't want to punch most NBA players in the nuts???


zstin said...

true, you did say you didnt mean a turnover, but expressio unius-you didnt exclude fouling.

as far as good stats go, im not capable.