Thanks Mel, you've been great, now please go back to your hole

Thanks to Armando for holding down the fort while I was in Spain and as far from a computer as possible, and to everyone who emailed, called, and threw bricks with notes through my window politely requesting that I "get my ass back on the internet." Here's your Eagles draft preview, you bucknasty motherfuckers.

The Eagles have 10 picks in this weekend's draft, which lines up nicely with our loss column from last season. [Note: I was sitting around a couple weeks ago, and it hit me: we won six games last year. Six games! The god damn Cleveland Browns won six games last year! At least we've got the Phils] I reckon our biggest holes are, in no particular order: WR, OLB, DE, DT, OT, OG, KR. Our needs on the offensive and defensive lines are convenient, because that's where Andy and Tom were going to draft anyway, which pleases the hell out of me. With the current state of NFL rule calling, it's basically useless to try to do anything exciting in open space where the refs can see it, so your best bet is to get some mashers in the trenches and win the battle there. And say what you will about the NFL refs being flag happy, but at least their not getting paid by the whistle (see NBA Playoffs for reference, especially any series that has gone to 2-0 and doesn't include the words Detroit Pistons). We'll also need some special teamers to replace Keith Adams, who I was waay high on, and would it kill you to draft someone to light a fire under Reno?

Round 1: Normally the Birds would go with some guy out of Eastern Missouri State that you've never heard of, but that's no longer possible thanks to the NFL Draft Channel, aka ESPN. They've carried at least 6 hours a day for a month solid on the sports' greatest crapshoot, and still no one has the slightest idea what's going to happen. There will be more people who aced their Final Four bracket this year than can pick 90% of the first two rounds correctly. I've seen no less than a half-dozen 7-round mock drafts, which are about as useful as stealing SAT answers from the kid that spent half the year in juve and the other half in the bathroom. In lieu of going with someone you've never heard of, they'll go with someone you wish you've never heard of to provide depth along the O-Line.

Round 2: Much like my attempt to rank the top five pro quarterbacks (coming next week), things get a little dicey in the two-spot. The fans are looking for management to pick up a wide receiver who broke his leg two years ago but has tremendous upside (see Frederick Mitchell, UCLA), but there's better money on them picking up a stocky DT with a "great motor" (aka eating problem). Just to get you ready for this one, sometime in the near future, possibly as late as training camp, a reporter is going to ask Andy Reid "It seems as if you still haven't addressed the wide receiver position. Do you have any plans to pick up another starter before the season starts?" And here's Andy's reply, so you'll be ready: "We're really excited to have Todd (Pinkston) back in the lineup. We missed him last year and are thrilled about what he brings to our offense." At least now you'll have your air sick bag ready for the press conference.

Round 3: Time to get defensive! The birds use their third round pick on an undersized outside linebacker to plug holes on special teams. John Harbaugh meets him personally at the Greyhound station on Filbert.

Round 4: The Eagles have three picks in the fourth round thanks to trades last year with Dallas and Indy, which nearly cause Tom Heckert to die of excitement. This is great for the fans because rather than pick up one guy you've never heard of, we get three guys you've never heard of, one of which won't make the team!

Round 5: Two picks here, and we're getting ready to pick up the next AJ Feely (did you know he's on San Diego now?), in hopes of flipping this pick for second or third rounder in 2009. Unfortunately the Dolphins now have Nick Saban running the show with Dave Wannstedt in Pittsburgh (that's the University of), which is approximately equal trading in your Huffy two-speed for an Aston Martin with all the James Bond accoutrements. So we'll have to fleece someone else when the time comes (I'm thinking Detroit).

Round 6: Perfect time for Andy to dip into his BYU contacts and come up with someone that you've definitely never heard of unless you are:
1. Andy Reid
2. From Provo
3. Insane (see #2)

Round 7: Nothin' says lovin' like a late round bruising running back, so here we go. Hope you've enjoyed the vacation from my nonsense.