Uh...Thanks for the Memories, Fellas

The "On the Waterfront Award"
To Mike McMahon, who "coulda been a contender" and parlayed himself into a second round pick from the Dolphins if only he had a little class and less interest in completions to guys wearing numbers 50-59.

The Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Other Frying Pan Award
To Todd Herremans, who performed admirably in his rookie season while being put into more offensive positions than an East St. Louis hooker.

The Michael Corleone "Just When I Thought I was out" Award
To the Chargers game, where we put together a ton of defense, not much O, and all the luck in the world to think we still had some destiny on our side. I think everyone's feeling were pretty much along the lines of "if Matt Ware can get his, why not me?"

The "Start Shitting Me Tiffany Cufflinks" Award
To Reggie Brown, who was a 24 carat diamond in the pile of horseshit that was our 2005 Eagles season. It'll be fun next year to see how many people keep their #81 jersey, work a little needlepoint magic and jump right on the Reggie bandwagon. Just remember kid, with high hopes come even higher expectations.

The Cyberdine Systems Model 101 Award
To Five, who will have nearly nine months to report back to SkyNET for system rehabilitation. Dr. Miles Bennet Dyson reports that this year's quartback model should have worked out the "worm-burner" and "Roy Williams auto-target" quirks. For backstory, take a trip down memory lane.

The Elephant in the Corner of the Room Award
To Timmy Chang, the NCAA all-time leader in passing yards, attempts, and interceptions. Somehow I failed to notice that we signed this monster and allocated him to NFL Europe back in January. I am, however, aware that he fell short of breaking the great Ty Detmer's NCAA touchdown record, again displaying that the NFL gods have a sense of humor if not a sense of justice.

The Sammy Dalembert Hands Transplant Award
To Greg Lewis, who played this year like he spent all offseason grabbing Medusa's tits.

The Nacho Libre "Put Your Shirt Back On" Award
To Brian Dawkins, Jeremiah Trotter, and Mike Bartrum, the Eagles' Three Amigos in this year's Pro Bowl. Finally three of my favorite Birds have a chance to go to Hawaii and be part of NFL history as Peyton Manning tries to join the great Richard Gannon as the only players to win back to back Pro Bowl MVPs.

The Rocky Balboa Local Legend Award
To Todd France, who was fortunately able to parlay his three-game run with the Birds into a starting gig with the Philadelphia Soul. Say hi to Bill Gramatica for me.

The Alvin Mack Playbook Genius Award
To Koy Detmer, who "understands the offense" with the best of them and couldn't lead his team to a W if he had Joe Montana's arm and John Holmes'...PGA tour card.

The Tim Hauck Memorial Hit of the Year Award
To Lito Sheppard, who came off his man to knock Keyshawn back to his SC glory days. Sheldon Brown picked up the loose change on his way to another pro-bowl snub.

The Dennis Coles Award
To Jon Runyan, who completed his sixth consecutive season with the Birds without missing a game, including a full year's worth of playoff contests. Unfortunately, his neck/back hair will be unable to join Koy Detmer's neckbeard, Jake Plummer's mustache, and my U-beard in Hawaii this Sunday.

The Derrick Burgess Award
To Rod Hood, who played well enough to get snatched up in free agency and post 10 picks, 75 tackles, and 3 sacks next season for Arizona.

The Chief of Police "I Don't Like Your Jerk-off Behavior and I Don't Like you, Jerk-off" Award
To Dhani "shut the f%#k up" Jones, who became a top-notch on-field scapegoat during the 2005 campaign. To quote Homer Simpson: "Effigy eh? Yep, nothing burns quite like an effigy."

The Hal Morra Memorial "Great Idea That Went Nowhere" Award
When WIP was deciding what to do with all everyone's T.O. jersey, a buddy of mine came up with a plan to have everyone drive to his house and throw their jerseys on the lawn, which would serve the dual purpose of house cleaning and making his lawn green for once.

The Andy Reid Understatement of the Season
"It's tough to win football games like that."
-Insert wherever you see fit. It happened to be in response to the Zona game, but wow, imagine the possibilities.

The Sandals and Socks Street Clothes Player of the Year
To Jerome McDougle, who couldn't get a fair shot all season. Just imagine if he had a chance to get on the field and blow it like the rest of the team. Anything to put some pressure on the winner of the...

The Milk Carton Player of the Year Award
Which could go to no one but Jevon Kearse, who picked up a third of his 7.5 sacks during one half against one Elisha Nelson Manning. Thanks Freak!

The Pour Some Sugar on Me Strip of the Year
To Sheldon Brown, for his Samson-like strip of Reche Caldwell that set up Quentin Mikell's blocked field goal. Toss in Sheldon's league leading 25 passes defensed and you've got a man who's short two tickets to Hawaii. Enjoy your Mai-Tais, DeAngelo, Nathan, and Ronde.

The Jack of all Trades, Master of None Award
To Reno Mahe, who does everything just well enough to hog up a roster spot. To his credit he couldn't be a nicer guy and he did lead the league in punt return average. If he ran the ball as well as he answers phones and seats diners he could have a real place in the league.

The Preparation H Pain in the Ass Award
To Shawn Andrews, who could have half the city eating out of the palm of his hand (which would be a nice role-reversal) if not for his league leading holding and false-start numbers. Talent has a way of blinding fans to your screw-ups, but when you're pushing 4 bills it's tough to hide from anyone.

The Billy Batts Award
To Matt Ware, whose week seven heroics were just enough to take our attention away from how awful he is for any other game. But I'll admit that I've never felt a stadium go from graveyard quiet to Spinal Tap 11 like that before.

The "Free Mahi Mahi" Award
From Bud and Doyle right to you, L.J. Keep flippin' and floppin' and we'll work the ball your way because lord knows there's no one other than you and Reggie catching balls for this club.

The Black Knight "It's Just a Flesh Wound" Award
To Mike Lewis, who battled through some well-hushed injuries throughout an understandably tough year. My only complaint with his 107 tackles is that a third of those plays never should have gotten to the third level.

The Porky Pig Award
To "King Koybra" Detmer and his neckbeard (which is now a 7-year All-Pro and will be heading to Hawaii for the Pro-Bowl), who finished the season the way it had to end, with an interception to Redskins safety Ryan Clark, cementing his status as one of the best placekick/clipboard holders in the history of the Philadelphia Eagles.

One more thing

Is Samuel Dalembert currently sporting braids, or am I just seeing things? (not to mention two different colored socks for our Hatian-Canadian friend)

Also, hola to our new friends making their way over from Philly Future, Sports by Brooks and SI on Campus. Enjoy the show, and feel free to leave a comment or drop us a line.

I just have to say one thing..

If it wasn't for TiVo or DVR, I don't think I'd have been able to watch that game last night. Thank God for the pause function, followed by the fast forward function. There were moments when I thought a game might brake out, but they were fleeting at best, and equally boring at worst.

But when it comes right down to it, the good guys won. Would anyone have been happy if the NFC, and the entire NFL, had been represented by the Seahawks as champions for a year? I, for one, would have been sick to my stomach. The Steelers did have an impressive end of season, but the Seahawks managed to beat a large group of truly horrendous teams en route to beating some mediocre ones in the playoffs.

Let it be known that while my age, and that of my colleague and co-writer, matches that of Roethlisberger, the man is still too young to grow a beard, and maybe the Bus could've taken that extra step and shown some leadership in letting him know as much.

Introducing: Your Super Bowl Quarterback

Fun fact about me and Big Ben:
1. He's three months older than me.
2. He has two additional years of NFL experience.
3. I threw as many touchdowns, and in fact, two less interceptions than he did last night.
4. At the beginning of the year, I had this to say about Ben and Co.: "The Steelers are done. There's just too much film on Rothelsomething, and their corners can't hold water much longer."
5. Revised as of Feb 5, 2006: "The Steelers can thank whoever they want that they had fate, the zebras, Jerramy Stevens, and 40,000 fans on their side, because Ben's 9-21 with no touchdowns and two picks looks a lot better with a "W" in front of it."
6. I've never been this drunk in my life.

It's the Last Game of the Year

And thank god it's over. Since I've been on such a streak through these playoffs and the season as a whole, it's high time I grace yall with my Super thoughts. I've got Pittsburgh 21-17.

Here's why Pittsburgh win:

1. They're a better team, with better playmakers.
2. They don't have true weaknesses, especially ones that Seattle can exploit.
3. Joey Porter is starting to make Charles Oakley look like Ben Chapleski.
4. Seattle stormed the NFC and the worst division in pro sports before walking over one team with a quarterback whose last name rhymes with tanning (always a bad sign) and another who had to hand the ball off to their fourth-string running back (thanks Jake). You'd think Pittsburgh would have played a tough season in a heavier loaded AFC, but they actually only played six tough regular season games. Then they went on the road and beat the top three teams in the league. Granted they also beat a quarterback who had trouble throwing because both his hands were wrapped around his neck, but they had to beat a gang of blind zebras in that game as well. Point is, Seattle hasn't really been tested, so it's hard to say how much they've got. They've been able to coast on vanilla all season, and I think it's gonna be too hard for them to break out of it.

Here's why Seattle will cover:

1. Seattle's not bad, they're just boring. But after watching a few games, they're boring in a "fourth hour of the Victoria's Secret runway show" way as opposed to "Saturday afternoon at the DMV" boring. This is important.
2. They have playmakers at every level on defense and an all-world left side of the o-line, which means they can keep any game close.
3. Shaun Alexander is a fraud MVP, but he's still a top-five back. He'll get his.

Enjoy the show, It's all we've got.

Hypothetical: Gladiators

This is a three-parter, so pace yourselves, but please do come up with an answer.

Part 1: What American Gladiators event do you think you'd have the best chance in? Think you could outfox Sabre in the Atlasphere? Maybe you'd try to get slick in Assault, dodge a couple tennis balls, and deliver a strike with the Nerf bow-and-arrow? Perhaps you want to lay it on the line and take on Tower and Nitro in the Gauntlet. I know for a fact that I could dominate The Wall, and get absolutely shredded in anything else.

Part 2: Could you finish The Eliminator in under 10 minutes? Questions to ask yourself include: Can I run up a hill? Operate a stair master? Complete the hand-bike section in under five tries? How about the spinning cylinder thing? I'm going with yes here, please let me know if you disagree.

Part 3: What if you could go against the "female" Gladiators rather than the men. Think you could do any better? Checking the stats, they're not quite as big as I remembered, averaging out around 5'7, 165, maxing out with Sky at 6'3, 185. I'd say you would again have no shot, especially in any events requiring skills such as quickness, endurance, or athletic ability.

Could it really be so?

I've really been avoiding this like the plague. It's a rough subject, one that most men would almost certainly shy away from. I'm not talking about Ben Roethlisberger's god-awful beard. I'm not talking about Darrell Jackson's snaggle-toothed grin. I'm not even talking about the small village that could possibly reside inside the Bus's belly.

Seriously I'm even avoiding it in this column. Let's talk about something else for a while. Like Shavlik. Can the man get some respect please? Has no one read us touting his abilities, offensively, defensively, Miller truck robbing? LET THE MAN PLAY BALL. He was born to do it, and if he gets on the court more, Mrs. Randolph might even start cutting Cheeks' steaks for him.

Ok. I think I've delayed it enough. I'm here to talk about important issues, and important issues are, well, important. So here it is. After watching the Flyers play the month of January with the gas tanks below the E line, I've finally come to the conclusion that my pre-season sentiments of invincibility are unfounded. The Flyers could very well not win it all this season, even though I really was convinced otherwise. That said, they could still do it. Easily one of the top 5 teams in the league. But this past month of mediocrity, and periods of outright destruction, I'm just not sure anymore. I know one thing, if we continue down the injury road, we will not find a 4 foot tall silver bowl at the end.

My point is, our team is not infallible. They must win games against bad teams. And they must play motivated in games against the good ones. They're not gonna have a pig-greased slip'n'slide to the Stanley Cup in front of them. So get ready for the Olympics, get ready for an action-packed Bobby Clarke-style trade deadline, and get ready for Hitchcock to turn up the intensity.

Admit it, You Have No Idea Who I Am

The Sixers are completely mired in mediocrity. Sitting a game above five-hundred and still drawing a half-full arena nightly (although they nearly sold-out Saturday, which led to a fantastic conversation between a weary box-office cashier and a completely bewildered Hal Morra), they have now gone three straight without Allen and may be losing what little luster they already had. They don't play much defense and I still haven't figured out their O, but they're all we've got and all we're gonna have. So for those of you struggling to find reasons to tune in, I've put together a few ways to make the Sixers experience a little more palatable.

1. Get a couple friends and wager on which nobody will put up career numbers against our sieve defense. This season has been dominated by wildly random 7th and 8th men going for 28 in 30 minutes. Highlights have included:

Gordan Giricek's 23 on 9-17 shooting
Greg Ostertag's five offensive rebounds in a quarter
Mehmet Okur's 25-8-8 on 8-12
Boris Diaw's 14-13-11
Pat Garrity's 24 on 9-11 (including 2 three's to start O.T.)

Before you scoff at what you might consider a big name, think quickly about just how much basketball you watch, and try to understand that just because you know that Greg Ostertag is the greatest shot blocker in Kansas history does not mean that the average person could pick him off the street. Tag is a nobody, Pat Garrity is a nobody, and Boris Diaw is a nobody whose stock is rising.

2. Go on full Shavlik patrol. He's not getting much run lately, which means you as a fan need to pay even more attention to him. He's always the first man off the bench after a made basket or a timeout. If you don't know what he looks like- he's the big white guy that doesn't play, as opposed to the big white guy that shouldn't play (see Michael Bradley).

3. Drink.

4. Appreciate Iverson and don't take him for granted (you might have to hold off for a couple more nights, although I predict he'll be back for the Detroit game)

5. Wish there was a Super Bowl game worth getting excited about. Or at least one that didn't have the Seahawks in it.

6. Write haikus about a player that played 42 minutes combined in the month of January.

"And tell the cook this is low-grade horsemeat"

In a turn of events which would be absolutely hilarious if it wasn't another reminder that the world is nothing but a place to stick advertisements, Churchill Downs has agreed to partner with parent company of Taco Bell, KFC, and Pizza Hut so that they can bring us the "Kentucky Derby, presented by Yum! Brands." Picture these guys stampeding around the boardroom trying to think of ways to boost taco sales when one genius comes up with the idea of a horse race. "We need something that says quality. Something that says speed and grace. These are the qualities we want reflected in our tacos. I know! The Kentucky Derby! Perfect."

I don't know about you, but nothing gets me more excited to eat low-grade taco meat than watching little men ride around a circle on horses while rich southerners drink mint juleps.

Playing Opposite the Blanket...

Ten years ago you could have used this poster to cover just about anything. Got a hole in the wall? No problem. Spaghetti sauce stain? Forget about it. Viscera? Solved. These days I'm not even sure it could handle covering a couple fingerprints. Maybe if it only had zone responsibility, but man coverage? No chance. However, it still may be very useful for community relations and will be considered for annual "upstanding community poster of the year" awards. And you could use it to teach your young poster draft picks a few tricks of the trade. Thanks Troy.

Time to Get Our Story Straight

As we approach the approach of Super Bowl XL, I thought it would be nice to go over some of our best and boldest predictions from the year. I threw in a couple that we actually got right to balance things out again. My newest prediction is that Shavlik will break Mamba's non-Wilt scoring record with 42 put-back slams (mostly misses by Sammy on fade-aways with no one covering him) and no trips to the line. Enjoy.

"The Redskins may not win four games" -Hal

"I do expect big things from the Rams offensively" -Hal

"This team just can’t hang anymore" -Hal, on the Bucs

"#5 is in his prime and TO is actually going to play" -James

"The defense will be the best or 2nd best in the league this year"- James

"Like I said last week, Hitch is too good of a coach to let these third period woes continue much longer" -Armando

"I wish I was smart enough to say for sure that Arizona is a playoff squad this year" -James

"Or that the Bucs will jump up and win the South" -James

"Brandon Jacobs scares the shit out of me" -James

"A defense that specializes in speed and missed tackles doesn't cut it in January." -Hal on the colts

"You're out of your mind if you think the Chiefs don't take a major step back if Priest goes down." -Hal

"The Steelers are done. There's just too much film on Rothelsomething, and their corners can't hold water much longer." -Hal

"Jets- Chad's toast, and Curtis is rolling the dice every time he steps on the turf" -Hal

"I am anticipating the start of a new Eastern Conference rivalry" -Armando, on the Pittsburgh Penguins

"Is this going to be one of those seasons like two years ago where we're obviously the best team in the division but aren't in first until week 8, and so we have to hear it from Giants fans for two months, knowing that we'll put 40 on them the first chance we get?" -Hal

"Oh, watch for this guy, #81. He's terrible."- Hal on Georgia TE Leonard Pope, right before he scored a TD

"Get all you can of Ryan Howard this year, because come next spring he'll be hanging out on the pine expressway." -Hal

"What has two thumbs, a moustache, and absolutely can't be trusted to win a game on his own?" -Hal, on Jake Plummer

"Face it. These are not good teams." -Hal, on the Giants and Dolphins

"Look for Tarver by unanimous decision, with no knockdowns and a whole lot of jibber-jabber." -Hal

He'd even rob a Miller truck

Yes, this has been a long time coming. Yes, he might be the only Duke player or student that I don't absolutely loathe, and when it comes right down to it, he's really pretty charming. We all know i'm talking about Shavlik Randolph, and we all know he's got a lot of potential and talent. But that's not what I'm here to talk about. The thing about Shavlik is that I don't think anyone told him he's a rookie, or even that he left Duke. He still thinks he's down there in Durham, eating his peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, hand-crafted by a loving roommate. He's comfortable, he's confident, and like I said, he'd even rob a Miller truck. Who knows why Cheeks won't give him more game time, but when he's in there, he just goes to the basket. He knows that's what he's good for, so he does it. Then he gets fouled because he's a rookie, and he goes to the line. Point is, the man's got cojones, and whether he just doesn't realize he's in the NBA, or he doesn't care, you gotta love it.

And Now, For my Next Trick...

After nailing this weekend's games (blowouts for everyone!), I thought I'd share with you all James and my preseason division and wild card picks, for posterity if nothing else. To clarify, these are the picks that we made at the beginning of this season, back when we were saying things like "What number will be bigger, Eagles losses or Penn State wins," and being dead serious. Vegas wouldn't even have put odds on Penn State winning more games than the birds this year. Unreal.

Hal:
NFC
East- Eagles
West- Rams
North- Vikings
South- Panthers
WC- Dallas
WC- Falcons
AFC
East- Pats
West- Chiefs
North- Ravens
South- Colts
WC- Jax
WC- Jets

James:
NFC
East- Eagles
West- Seattle
North- Vikings
South- Atlanta
WC- Carolina
WC- Green Bay
AFC
East- Pats
West- Chiefs
North- Ravens
South- Colts
WC- Pittsburgh
WC- Jets


So cash in your bar mitzvah treasury bonds and put your jewelry in hock, because we're taking down vegas and there's no two ways about it.

But Really, Who Knows?

I rode the Eagles all regular season. They blew a gasket week one, had carburetor troubles week three, got blindsided week five, got a tune up, slid through the turn week seven (just missing that patch of oil), and finally the wheels fell off in week eight. Fortunately this came with a nice piece of information:

DENVER (-3) is a rock-solid ball club. I still don't have much faith in Shaky-Jakey, but I can't get enough of their gameplan on both sides of the ball. Note to Andy Reid- playfakes work when the other team actually believes you're going to run. Just like the myth that the Eagles blitz more than any team in the league, the Broncos are surrounded by an aura of running the ball. And while they do favor the run, things are not as lopsided as they seem. Jake put 456 passes in the air this season, which works out to 28.5 per. As a team, the Broncos ran 542 times, good for second in the league. However, Jake carried the rock on 43 of those plays, and although Denver's playbook is home to a great number of roll-outs and boolegs, it's safe to figure that at most they only ran 10 designed runs for the Snake. That brings their run total down to 509 on the year, an average of 31.8 runs per. This is called balance. This is called keeping the other team on their toes. When a middle linebacker has to take half a second to decide whether the play is coming at him or away from him, you're ahead already. Don't forget that Denver won thirteen games this year, which means they could play from ahead and milk the clock. Oh, and they're 9-0 at home this year, most recently giving Tom Brady his first career early golf season.

I like what the Steelers bring, and I feel like Jake is due for an implosion, but he's burnt me all year, and I gotta go with him.

I understand that he put up 28 touchdowns this year, but if your team can win a playoff game without you, then you are not the most valuable player of your league. Even before being concussed, Shaun wasn't exactly tearing up the turf, and if you can't run behind Mack Strong, Walter Jones, and Steve Hutchinson, then you don't really deserve a job in an NFL backfield.

On the other hand, when you are your team's lone offensive threat, and your wide receiver companions are a has-been, a never-was, and a practice-squad reject, and you go up against the best D in the league, then post 12 catches for 218 and 2 touches, throwing in 26 on the ground (and catch a couple punts), well then bravo sir, bravo. No one is stopping Steve again this week, and Carolina's top-notch secondary (Mike Minter, I barely knew thee) will put a quick end to Seattle's three-wide sets. Seattle hasn't lost all year at home either, but this Jake has won five straight on the road and won't be making a pit stop in Seattle.

Antonio-no

I wasn't going to write anything about Antonio Davis jumping into the stands last night and defending his wife, because I felt it was about as big a deal as a Paris Hilton cold sore (although I suppose that would be a big deal for about 35,000 dudes). No one did a better job of detailing how non-threatening the event was, and was so pressed for time that he couldn't wait around for a bus to throw Stephon Marbury under.

But then his suspension rolls around, which again is no surprise, but with it comes the news that his wife's alleged attacker is completely out of his mind. Awesome! Apparently the dude is going to sue Antonio and his wife for an excess of $1 million dollars. He claims that she hit him in the face with both hands and afterwards felt that he was "glad she was done hitting me, but I didn't want her to hit anyone else." Before ripping him any further, I'd like to say that all harassment aside, he sounds like a great fan, issuing soundbites such as "[w]hen I go to games, I cheer as hard as I can for the Bulls, and I boo as hard as I can for whoever they're playing." If you can't relate to that, maybe you'd agree more with this: "I don't feel comfortable if players are allowed to easily jump into the crowd whenever they feel like it's necessary."

Back to ripping this guy. The one thing that caught me most off-guard about the whole incident is, who sees something like this go down, goes to sleep, takes some time to think about what happened, and then comes up with a way to make money off it? Is this some kind of Drew Rosenhaus scumbag clone? If you asked me for a hundred different descriptions of what happened at the game, I would never have mentioned "possible lawsuit opportunity" as part of my synopsis. Who are these people? I know there are a few law schoolers among our readership, so pipe up if this went through your mind at any time during the last 24 hours.

As for Antonio, I completely agree with and support his actions, regardless of who the perpertrator was. Things happen quickly, and security staff at road arenas can't always be trusted to respond in with the speed and precision necessary. I understand the league punishment of five games, although I think it is a bit harsh; I felt like he should have just paid the cleaning bills for the fans who lost their shit when he ran by them.