The Green Bleeder

Here comes a big one

2007-11-19T16:17:00.001-04:00

I have to admit...even though I had on the game yesterday, I don't think I paid attention to more than three or four plays. Talk about boring.

This coming weekend should be a little different. It's not often that I would look forward to a guaranteed ass-whooping, but I think I am. I am eager to see the Eagles get embarrassed. Eager to see McNabb laugh it up after the sure-to-come misfires on offense. I'm definitely eager to hear the mundane comments in Andy's post-game press conference. Honestly, I'd love to see our defense put up a fight, but they're going to be on the field too much.

Yes, I can't wait for the Eagles to throw in an epically awful performance. And when the Patriots have one of those "go for it on 4th and 3, up 57 points in the 4th quarter" moments, I will not be bitching. This is football after all. A sport for men, even if the Birds might look like boys afterwards.

Wha happen?

2007-10-31T00:28:00.000-04:00

Whoa.

After a week of cool down, an Eagles victory, and the realization that this year's NFL season is unpredictably weird, I almost feel like taking back some of the things I said last week.

Obviously that's not going to happen. Honestly though, what teams in the NFL are good anymore? The Chiefs are leading the AFC West. The mediocre Cowboys lead the NFC East. There are divisions that are unmentionable altogether. I can only list three or four teams that are definitely good.

All things considered, however, the Eagles might not be as bad as I previously thought.

Scratch that. They are horrible. The other teams they play might be worse than I expected, which makes the Eagles look good. This season might truly be a toss-up. McNabb actually looked a little better on Sunday, against a Viking defense that isn't horrible. Interesting games abound on the remaining schedule, and hopefully #5 continues to get back in some sort of a stride. If you were to make any sort of prognostication on NFC playoffs right now, I'd say you either work for ESPN and get paid to make stupid comments, or you just don't get it. I'm so confused.

Is this the end of an era?

2007-10-24T19:35:00.000-04:00

Remember in preseason when everyone was predicting at least nine wins for the Eagles, and most put it over ten?

Man, that just seems crazy now. Clearly this team has major issues, both now, and in the future. It's tough to say whether or not they can recover in the short term, under this management, but I for one am fairly hopeful for the next decade or so. Beyond that, it's clearly ridiculous to postulate.

But, another hypothetical question must be asked. If they don't pull this season out (which seems highly unlikely at this point), is the good-Reid era over, and soon to be replaced by the bad-Reid era? Will he be fired?

I don't think Lurie has shown that he's the type to fire Andy Reid. I think he should...I think most sensible people do. And honestly, while this team isn't quite at "blow up" level, I think some serious re-thinking needs to be done, offensively and defensively. Clearly a new coach would bring that, and a fresh perspective all around. No disrespect to Reid, because when he was good, he was really good. But the Eagles' play has become beyond stale, and has shown no signs of recovery.

In case you haven't noticed...

2007-10-15T11:04:00.001-04:00

Ok, so I know this is more of a diary entry than a blog post, as I might be the only remaining hockey fan in the country, but here it is.

Remember last season's horrible performance? Those days might be finished. Sure, they've only played 4 games, but they look pretty good. If you remember, last year I couldn't quite figure out why the Flyers were so bad. I could see some of it, but the fact that they were truly dominated in every way perplexed me.

This season is clearly different, even if they don't keep up this pace. This team is mean. They've fought, they've taken dirty penalties, and all the while, they've managed to score enough goals to win games. Not surprisingly, the Rangers, whom everyone thought would walk away with the division, are experiencing some early season jitters, and look like just another New York team: miserably failing at buying a championship.

The Flyers, on the other hand, look sprightly to say the least, all while harnessing what appears to be the same type of intensity that gave this team so much success years ago. I'm not gonna get ahead of myself and say that they're definitely a lot better than last year's team, because they've only played four games. But I will say that I think this season just might be enjoyable.

Too many questions

2007-10-11T22:11:00.000-04:00

The Phillies made the playoffs, and immediately blew it. It was a turbulent season; our "ace" got hurt and it might have helped us, we moved our other "ace" to the bullpen and it might have helped us. Our two best offensive players missed a ton of games. And they battled, and battled, and battled. And somehow snuck into the playoffs.

I have to say it was pretty crazy. I went to game one, and although it was disappointing, it was a once in a life time experience.

But now that it's been a week, and the excitement/despair has worn off, does this take the Phillies off the hook? Do they get a pass for a year or two, at which point we can begin complaining again? Are they on the same list as the early 2000's Eagles who flirted with destiny, but never reached it?

I'm so torn on this season. I can't decide if I have any confidence in the team for next season, or if this was truly just a fluke. I obviously enjoyed the season. But what comes next?

Did that seriously just happen?

2007-10-01T16:39:00.001-04:00

Give me a call when reality sets back in.
Greenbleeder over and out.

2007-08-29T15:03:00.000-04:00

Ah yes, here it is. The dreaded end of the season. The Phils predictably fall apart, pull it back together, fall apart again, and eventually leave you wondering what in the hell just happened and why didn't I see this coming. Or, how did I see this coming. Inevitability bites you like a 3 pound mosquito, and until football gets under way, that thing itches like a somabitch.

They just took two miracle games from the Mets, with two to go. Still four back from them, and three back in the Wild Card. At this point last season, if my memory serves me correctly, the Phillies were in first for the Wild Card.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here. All I know is we've certainly seen this before. I hadn't watched a game in weeks before the Mets series (they always draw me back in just because I loathe the Mets so much), but we all know a series victory here is going to spark the city back onto the bandwagon, and I don't know if I can deal with that crap again. Bah

10,000 Chances to Connect

2007-07-16T10:25:00.001-04:00

125 years is a long, long time. Long enough that after losing 9,999 games, no crime could be charged for breaking the five-figure mark. But in the midst of this milestone of historical ineptitude, the Phillies brass managed yet another in a series of predictable transgressions. For one night, we gave them permission to lose. And all we wanted in return was a time to celebrate, to embrace our franchise in the only way that no other pro sports team can be loved. And yet again, they missed out on a chance to connect with their fans.

I didn't need to see Von Hayes toss 10,000 baseballs into the stands, or see (as jokingly rumored) 10,000 black balloons ascend from center field. All I hoped for was recognition. And in refusing to acknowledge the passing of this mark, management yet again let us know that we are not the focus (sadly, neither is pitching).

It is understandable to shy away from anything which would glorify losing, but they'll never get another opportunity to turn a loss into a party. You will never again see a home crowd on their feet, cheering during the bottom half of the 9th inning, down 10-2 with 2 outs.

As the game closed, and Chase refused to make the last out, a glance at the scoreboard revealed that there was no one left in the lineup that I'd want to end this game. For once, I wished Charlie hadn't taken out Burrell and Barajas.

Long, Long Time Ago

2007-07-13T11:07:00.000-04:00

Nine times. The Phillies have made the playoffs nine times, appearing in one world series. In 125 years. If you told this dude that we'd wouldn't win a championship for another century he would have shit his knickers. We've never won the wild card (get ready for that streak to continue). This is not just bad, it's monumentally bad. It's even worse when placed in historical perspective. The Celtics won eight championships in nine years, as did John Wooden's UCLA squad. Two MLB teams have more world series wins than we have world series appearances. Two MLB teams have made the playoffs more than nine times since the last time the Phils played into November.

These aren't numbers that stand out on the page, they're numbers that jump off the stat sheet and slap the hoagie out of your mouth. This organization is a disgrace. They have been presented with opportunity after opportunity and have consistently Pat Burrelled every attempt. And what's worse- I like our current team. We've got a bad manager and a worse boss, but our young players are worth getting behind and can't be held accountable for management woes (except for Barajas, who is being held fully accountable until further notice). I'll never forgive them for not putting the new stadium downtown. But all of this won't change one thing- I'll be at the game tonight. I'll put on my Marlon Byrd jersey, get on the orange line, and head south to meet the inevitable. The only question left is- will we boo if they win?

Week 7: The Grossman Clinic

2007-07-06T12:25:00.000-04:00

Sunday, October 21st 4:15 vs. Bears

Donovan's current team vs. his future team. This game could mean a lot more in the career of Kevin Kolb than we realize. If Five takes down the monsters of the midway, climbs into the NFC driver's seat, and doesn't look back until he's holding a trophy in Miami, he may buy himself a couple more years with the club. But if he pulls a Sexy Rexy and airmails four interceptions to Mike Brown and Nathan Vashar, he might just buy himself a one way ticket back to O'Hare.

But...

There's just no way we're losing this one with Super Bowl MVP Rex Grossman under center for the Bears. Playing football with Rex is like playing chess with a free turn every five moves. The dude is a menace. I don't care if he is practing lefthanded. Chalk this one up for the Birds, 27-10

I have a brief question

2007-07-03T01:22:00.000-04:00

When does football season start?

You know I love hockey, and the Flyers signing Briere this weekend was huge. But they were outcashed by the Rangers, so it might be for nothing. Not to mention the horrific season that I loyally sat through last year.

The Phillies? Who even wants to think about that crap?

Which brings me back to my original question. When does football start again? Don't expect to hear from me again for a while, I'll be hiding in my cave playing Madden.

Week 6: Enter the Mangenius

2007-06-22T16:35:00.000-04:00

Sunday, October 14th @ Jets

There have been more than a few circumstances in the last five years where a innocuous AFC east trip has turned into a 64-3 blowout, and to anyone who is worried that we have another one coming here, have a coke and a smile. The Birds will be coming off a bye, while the Jets look to recover from a brutal road trip to their own stadium. While this has all the makings of a 31-27 grind with Donovan tossing out 4 touchdowns in his (hopefully) season premier, it's a win any way you draw it up. The Eagles don't lose off of a bye. They don't lose to inferior teams (gulp), and they don't lose to AFC teams that you'd think they could steamroll because their 3-6 even though if they played in the NFC West they'd be a perennial super bowl threat. Yikes.

I also don't care if Mangini is a fat young genius. Lest you forget, there was a time when Andy Reid was fat and young as well. Let that be a lesson on what the aging process can do for you. But once Eric breaks out the Belichick hobo sweats, it may be time to start getting worried. Let me stand as an example for everyone that the less you care about your clothing, the more you care about everything else. Especially football.

Prediction: Win, Cover, and 1 Chad Pennington career ending injury that is downgraded to day-to-day in two weeks.

Thank god that's over

2007-06-15T16:30:00.002-04:00

This guy is about as impressed as anyone was with Mike Brown and the Cavs' performance over that excruciatingly long four game series with the Spurs. So begin the doldrums of summer, which this year feature an above .500 ball club! As bad as these NBA finals were (don't forget that the actual finals were played a month ago and were marred by the clutch play of Robert Horry), we've got a lot of basketball to get ready for, as this offseason promises to bring in the largest batch of new Sixers that we've seen in about a decade. And if the thought of four mid to low first round picks doesn't get your blood burning, we'll throw in non-stop Eagles coverage as well.

As for the finals, cheers to the Spurs and jeers to a Cleveland squad that thankfully had something to leave on the floor back in Detroit but were nothing more than well uniformed fish in a barrel against anyone the West could throw at them.

The Best: Running Back

2007-06-06T10:40:00.000-04:00

The greatest running back we'll probably ever see absolutely blew my mind when he came to play in Philly back in fall of 2005. The Eagles won that game, 20-17, on a blocked field goal taken back for a touchdown. During the fourth quarter there was a fire alarm in the stadium and all fans were asked to leave, as if burning to death in the Linc would be a worse fate than exiting a game early. Neither of those occurrences were half as amazing as what LaDainian Tomlinson did on that afternoon. His line for the game: 17 carries for 7 yards, and 0 touchdowns, breaking his streak of 18 consecutive games with a trip to the endzone. Tomlinson is a player so special that when you when someone is able to bottle him up, even for a day, he has still managed to upstage the game itself. He also stole Lawrence Taylor's nickname and is still alive.

The Best: Defensive Player

2007-06-05T12:52:00.000-04:00

Lights Out. Shawne Merriman takes this one quicker than a left tackle can call for help. Or pizza. This dude is scarier than finding out your girlfriend is 17. He missed four games last year for a steroid violation and still led the league in sacks (and steroid violations). The dude can't be stopped, controlled, or reigned in. Keep your Kerry Collins statues away from the field.

The Best: Player You Never Heard Of

2007-06-01T15:38:00.000-04:00

In the spirit of ESPN's five "unknown" players with a combined three pro bowl appearances (and a first round pick in as well), I'm gonna range out to an unknown position and snatch up Chargers fullback Lorenzo Neal. Lorenzo has been the quiet force ahead of LaDanian Tomlinson's destruction of the NFL record books, and has been happy (or had his tongue removed in the summer of 03) to keep quiet about his lack of accolades which include little more than three trips to the pro bowl. Playing at one of the league's most unglamorous positions, Neal has spent the last four years hiding in front of Tomlinson, for whom the league already has assigned a new wing in Canton.

Here's a brief job description for an NFL Fullback:

The ideal candidate should be between 5-11 and 6-2, weighing between 230-260 pounds. Candidate should have no interest whatsoever in touching the football, but be willing to do so, and when said blue moon rises, to carry it into a pile of 19 bodies with the goal of moving forward 5 or 6 feet. On all other occasions, the player will be asked to run as hard as possible into the first man he sees in the hopes that this man does not tackle the man behind him, who is paid, on average, four times the salary of the man without the ball. If the candidate is successful in defeating the first man he sees, he should quickly seek a second, ad infinitum.

Compensation: Non-competitive
Benefits: You can still go to a restaurant without being attacked by third-graders

Slow Train Rides On

2007-06-01T12:08:00.000-04:00

Sunday, September 30th 8:15 at Giants

It's been a long, long time since the Giants took the field without Tiki Barber. Unless this Sunday night battle turns into the Plaxico Burress show, I really don't see what we have to worry about here. Again, I'm looking to give the flip-flops award to Donovan as he takes another night off and gears up for the bye week. Not that we don't need you, 5, but really...

Looking back, I can't recall the last time I felt remotely threatened by the Giants. But every year, you hear rumbles about how ready they are to make their move. Is this all a function of our proximity? This can't be how Giants fans feel about us, right? Regardless, this one's another slice, as we ride the train to 4-0.

The Best: Wide Receiver

2007-05-31T17:25:00.000-04:00

This one comes with a major caveat: I absolutely think that Steve Smith is the best receiver in the land. But after taking the group pick yesterday, I'll stray from the gospel. Marvin Harrison was out from the jump because of his Linda Blair-esque playoff stats. Chad's been spectacular against mediocre opponents and only has one playoff game his ledger. I have a quiet respect for Torry Holt, but something about that whole Rams dome/alien qb/hall of fame teammates makes him seem a little suspect. Keep walking walking walking down the line, to my pick, Hines Ward.

Hines runs away in the grit competition, and packs in enough speed a big-game pedigree to steal the cake. His 8 touchdowns in 10 games compare favorably with Smith (8 tds in 7), and place Marvin's 2 TDs in 14 playoff appearances (both came in 03 against Denver- one year before they picked up Champ Bailey!) firmly in Freddie Mitchell territory. He also has a Korean mother and despises everyone from Iowa.

Weak Three

2007-05-31T12:09:00.000-04:00

2/3 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 cups granulated sugar
2/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 cups buttermilk
1/2 cup vegetable shortening
2 large eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

That's a recipe for cake. Here's a suitable variation:

Sunday, September 23rd 1:00 vs. Lions

The Best: Big Fat Athletic Men

2007-05-30T19:57:00.001-04:00

As previously stated, you build a football team from the inside out. This tried and true method of football creationism has been espoused by brilliant minds throughout the NFL. It has been assaulted by bad coaches, with bad results, throughout history. Richard Seymour is a clear choice for the defensive side. The offensive side is a little different. Building a franchise requires youth, injury-resistance, and leadership. Talent is a must. Size is essential.

So where do you go? Clear talent is abundant. Walter Jones, Steve Hutchinson, Alan Faneca. But age rules out Jones and Faneca. Hutchinson is 29, and clearly a dominant player, but let's go younger than that.

Let's go to Shawn Andrews. Sure, he broke his leg early in his career and missed a season. That's not being injury prone, that's just bad luck. And who on the Eagles has been more dominant, outside of veteran Brian Dawkins. He's shown versatility, moving from tackle to guard. He's shown dedication, by having stopped eating so many delicious cheeseburgers and roast pork sandwiches. But most importantly, he's clearly the most dominant lineman on the Eagles, and probably in the division given the decline in Strahan's abilities.

Suit him up.

The Best: Coach

2007-05-30T17:41:00.001-04:00

I said I'd make a strong effort to avoid using already chosen players and staff, but when it comes to picking the league's best coach, there's just no way I'm going against Belichick. He is as dominant a force in pro sports as I have seen, and that includes the ranks of Jordan, Woods, and the kid on Nickelodeon GUTS that ran 20 meters across the top of a pool in under 4 seconds. Belichick is so serious that he divorced his wife so he could spend more time in the office. He's so successful that he can wear hobo clothes without snickering. Halberstam even wrote a book about him. I wish he was my coach, so I too could learn the joys of playing through multiple concussions in late August.

Week 2

2007-05-29T17:16:00.000-04:00

Monday, September 17th 8:30 vs. Redskins

Unless Jason Cambpell comes out this year as the next incarnation of Mark Rypien, the Skins are gonna struggle to pick up 6 wins. This will not be one of them. Again, I'm looking for McNabb in the luxury box with AJ, Kevin Kolb, or anyone else behind center. If there's any way to get beat by Washington, it's in the air, where they now boast a fearsome safety combo that's bound to lead the league in suspensions. And facemasks. And bad dances. Birds move to 2-0.

The Best: Quarterback

2007-05-29T16:46:00.001-04:00

Ask this question a year ago, and you would have had four votes for Tom Brady. Twelve months later, and look how far we've fallen. In our talking heads world, this is how quickly public opinion (even among professionals) has fallen. Peyton Manning and the Colts had a wonderful run on their way to a Super Bowl victory, but he is simply not on the level of Tom Brady, who has put together three Super Bowl runs without the help of one receiver on his way to the hall-of-fame and another who is making yearly trips to Hawaii in January. He also dates the foxiest chicks and wearsfar more heart-attack inducing Yankee hats. He carries a man-purse and no one ever calls him gay. Tom Brady is the quarterback to judge all others against. Once when he rain out of whiskey he removed his own liver, squeezed out the liquids into a glass and threw it down with no chaser. Check back after two more rings for a more meaningful discussion.

The Best: Player I'd Start a Franchise With

2007-05-29T10:14:00.001-04:00

As preparation for my job with ESPN 17 in the year 2046, I'm following along with ESPN's "The Best" series, playing out on the worldwide leader through June 8th. I'm making a concerted effort to name a fifth player, shying away from those already chosen, unless they throw out 'coach I'd most like to see run the ball,' in which case I'd have no problem throwing some more votes on for King Andy.

As for the player I'd start a franchise with, I'll take Richard Seymour in an amphetamine heartbeat. There is no more dominant, disruptive force on either side of the line. Seymour controls the crux of the game, taking with him a minimum of two o-lineman. He's also relatively young, heading towards his 28th birthday, and appears to be nearing his peak talent. Seymour, not Brady, was the singular talent that snatched victory from us in the 04 Super Bowl (although you could make a strong case for McNabb here). Of all the garbage that Andy Reid has fed the media through the years, the one thing I've become convinced of more than any other is that you must build your teams from the inside-out. And with my second choice, I select, from the Mishawaka School District, WR Freddie Mitchell.

'I don't know what car wash you worked at before'

2007-05-25T11:32:00.000-04:00

But I'll bet whoever owned it would have had the sense to avoid needing to pinch hit with Adam Eaton with two on and two out in the top of the 10th. Just what was your plan for the 11th, Charlie? Miserably, a good bit of Manuel's ineptitude got lost in the shuffle with a wasted bases-loaded spot in the final inning, but he's gonna have a tough time avoiding criticism as he continues to lead a talented team into mediocrity.

Having missed the first half of the game, I was left to assume that we had lost couple players in the 4th inning 50-man shouting match, and was thrilled-to-death upon learning that the only player out of the game was Abraham Nunez, after being punched in the back of the head by Miguel Olivo's throw to second. Charlie's poor grasp of the double-switch is inexcusable, but running out of bench players by the start of 10th is criminal. Where's Jim Leyland when you need him? Grinding all day in Detroit. 10 to 10.

That's a W

2007-05-23T23:48:00.001-04:00

A costly, ugly W. If up four in the ninth isn't enough to secure a win (with your closer in for a non-save opportunity- or so we though), then it's tough to say what is. In the end, we did manage to eek a victory out of a total CF, even if it did come with the loss of Brett Myers for an unknown amount of time (not to worry- Tom Gordon and Ryan Madson are back!). But what can't be left out of the conversation regarding this game was that we took home a win in a situation where we're almost always left with a long night of cursing into the pillow. We won our first extra-inning game of the year, on the road, against a team that has given us more trouble over the last decade than Bobbi Brown gave Whitney Houston (vice versa). Also lost in the shuffle were the three insurance runs we tacked on in the 9th, a timely blue moon to say the least.

While the final verdict of this outing will lie in Brett Myers' health, it's worth noting the positives in a game that bounced us back to .500 for the third straight time. At some cost, the Phils scraped out a win tonight. Sometimes these things even come twice in a row- they call that a winning streak.

Well, that was interesting

2007-05-17T18:30:00.000-04:00

The Phillies took 3 of 4 from what was formerly the best team in the National League? It certainly shocked me. I got a Ryan Howard MVP Bobblehead (awesome), saw Cole Hamels pitch some shutout innings, and still got the chance to question some of the ridiculous moves they made.

But is this a sign of things to come? They dipped back under .500 today, but clearly have been playing well over the last couple weeks. There are still obvious issues with the bullpen, and the hitting has been spotty from a large section of the line up.

They're still 6.5 games back from the Mets, who show no signs of slowing down. Essentially, the point is this. The baseball season is long, and teams go through long streaks, good and bad. Sure, get excited that the team is playing better than they started, but better than absolutely atrocious doesn't exactly impress me.

Wait, how long is this gonna go on for?

2007-05-08T13:15:00.000-04:00

So now that Flash is pretty much on the way out, and Brett Myers is on the way in, the Phillies are presented with a new confounding question.

Why can't Mr. Myers pitch more than just the 9th inning? Are there established rules for how many outs your closer can get? Mariano Rivera used to get the ball in the 8th from time to time. Sure Brett Myers is no Rivera, but he's been a starter for his whole career....we all know he can pitch more than one inning. Sure, if your pitcher is going to come up in the 8th, you can't do this. But there have been multiple instances where this was not the case, yet there was no Myers in the 8th.

How many games will our middle relievers have to blow before this happens?

"Tom" Gordon

2007-05-03T15:31:00.000-04:00

Looks like he's gonna have to drop the 'Flash' title after leaving the team for a doctor's visit. Tom has been less than stellar so far this year, with opponents batting a robust .308 with him on the mound. Hopefully the medical staff will be able to remove the chicken bones stuck in his throat and get him back out there in time to add to Barry Bonds' (who my mom called 'Bondy Ronds' this weekend) assault on the all-time ~~steroids~~ home run record.

Men's Tennis is Half Empty

2007-05-02T15:54:00.000-04:00

While women's tennis is still filling the seats with natural sleights (see: Anna Kournikova, Maria Sharapova, etc.), the men's tour is resorting to far more intricate and grossly unnatural measures.

Roger Federer fell today to apparent half-court specialist Rafael Nadal in one of the most meager, yet expensive tennis ploys in recent history. The court, which reportedly took 19 days and just over $1.6 million to construct, was built with the intention of eliminating the surface advantage which has dictated the outcome of the rivals' previous 6 non-hard court matches (they've split those 2-2).

While the clay/grass combo is an interesting concept, the result was not quite peanut butter and jelly, and leaves me and my buddy James as the reigning kings of gimmick tennis after my 6-2 victory last summer in which I used a 2x4 against his Pro Staff 6.2.

First And Long

2007-05-02T12:19:00.000-04:00

Today we're breaking ground on our way too early road to Miami season, or as I'll be referring to it from here on out: another super loss to the Patriots. I truly don't understand how the league is expecting to compete with that team with anything short of catastrophic injures to Brady, Seymour, and Belichick. Double yikes. Nevertheless, we'll be playing in 16-20 games next year, and I'll be happy to guide yall through them.

Week 1: 1PM at Packers
I really, really, really hope that Donovan sits this one out. Knee injuries scare me more than getting stuck with a male masseuse, and we're going nowhere in January without Five. These first few will be the perfect chance to showcase AJ Feeley so we can squeeze another pick out of the Dolphins. Plus there's the nostalgia factor every time Al Harris steps on the field. Thanks to the guys at coldhardfootballfacts.com for saving me a Favre joke, I think we're all getting the point where a simple chart can give us all the smiles we need. I'm calling this one a shootout (Birds only) victory: 41-13.

Even Better Than Cole Trickle... and Just as Handsome

2007-05-01T11:15:00.000-04:00

Happy Cole Hamels Day! In a city becoming more and more devoid of uplifting sports stories by the hour (see: NFL Draft, Sixers Season, etc.), at least we have one constant to look forward to, other than Donovan's parents coming to his side after someone hurts his pheelings.

Hamels' starts have officially become a must-see event, and in honor of this occasion, I'll be watching Days of Thunder on repeat until tonight's 7:35 first toss. Normally, a day game would help me out here, but in Cole's case, that might not be best scenario.

Quick Snip

2007-04-30T13:18:00.000-04:00

Adios, Dr. Jones. Eagles today released less-than-worshiped linebacker Dhani Jones today after promoting eventual Hall of Famer Chris Gocong. While Gocong spent last season on the IR, he was far ahead of Dhani in important statistical categories such as tackles missed (0) and bowties worn (0). Gocong, whose name is far easier to pronounce than it is to type, will start aside Trotter and Takeo Spikes in a linebacker core that will certainly benefit from a little addition by subtraction. This move should also allow Dhani more time to garner accolades from People Magazine to place alongside his 2005 '50 hottest bachelors' award.

Ah yes, sweet victory

2007-04-22T20:34:00.000-04:00

Hey, they won a series. Not only that, but their first back-to-back victories of the season. Howard hit his second home run. Rowand, Utley, and Helms all hit well.

But come on, it's just the Reds. The positive to be taken from this: maybe the Phils can hang in there all season by beating weaker teams like the Reds. We all remember last year how they would beat a AL powerhouse, and then get swept by a team like the Brewers or the Pirates. Clearly the season is too young to say anything definitive, but if you're looking for hope, maybe this is the place for it. And hey, Freddy Garcia? Looked pretty good if you ask me.

I Was Actually Convinced!

2007-04-19T10:35:00.000-04:00

It was a scene of amazing glory. Two titans facing each other down in a mid-April battle for Division supremacy. Yet nine innings weren't enough to decide this furious battle. No, this game would require 13 innings! But in the end, the good guys lost, and the bad guys won.

So there were a couple lies in there. It wasn't a battle for Division supremacy, it was a battle for last place. And I wouldn't call the Phils the good guys either, although I don't think the Nats are any more deserving of that title. But this game was remarkable.

I actually thought the Phillies were going to win! I mean, I want them to win every game, and I root for them, but I very rarely believe that they will win a game. For some reason, this one was different. After they pushed it into extra innings, they had a ton of momentum, but both teams kept stranding runners (no surprise there). I honestly thought that every time they were at bat, they were going to win the game. This sentiment truly surprised me. Yet, the Phillies are now behind every team in Major League Baseball. The ROYALS have more wins than the Phillies. But I really thought they were gonna win.

Great Day for Rain

2007-04-17T23:48:00.000-04:00

Never in Phillies history has there been a more timely rain out. Sixty years to the day that uber-legend Jackie Robinson was honored in every Major League Baseball stadium, the Phillies sat idle, and their #42 jerseys never saw the light of day. While it came at the cost of keeping Ryan Howard, the game's greatest (non-Dominican) black player off the field, it was pure justice against the most hate-ridden organization pro baseball has ever harbored.

Most of the atrocities committed by the Phillies have been washed away from the public psyche since the day Jackie stepped on the field, but no passage of time should allow our organization to forget from the shameful actions of our mid-century ballclub. Not only were the Phillies the last team to play a black athlete when the signed John Kennedy in 1957, they were the undisputed heavyweight champions in the fight to keep Jackie off the diamond and to make every moment he spent on it a 9-inning ordeal.

To their credit, management has taken steps to atone for the team's past, but this is a circumstance when it is important to remember just how atrocious the club's actions were, rather than trying to trot out the p.r. bullpen to patch things up. No one would accuse the modern-day Phillies of running a racist organization, but everyone would be wise to remember just how deep a hole this club was in.

So it was fitting that on Sunday, while the rest of the league donned commemorative jerseys honoring the late hero, the Phillies were left with nothing but their bats in their hands and the horrors of their past.

16 and Oh Yeah

2007-04-11T14:53:00.000-04:00

I'd rather watch Merril Hoge break down our season for three hours than watch the Phils take another beating tonight. Here are my (heavily) biased season predictions for the Birds this year, with game by game details to follow after the draft. Personally, I think the toughest part of the season will be our round robin against Quintana and O'Brien. Those creeps know how to roll.

Sunday, September 9th 1:00 at Packers- W (1-0)
Monday, September 17th 8:30 vs. Redskins- W (2-0)
Sunday, September 23rd 1:00 vs. Lions- W (3-0)
Sunday, September 30th 8:15 at Giants- W (4-0)
BYE
Sunday, October 14th 1:00 at Jets- W (5-0)
Sunday, October 21st 4:15 vs. Chicago- W (6-0)
Sunday, October 28th 1:00 at Minnesota- W (7-0)
Sunday, November 4th 8:15 vs. Dallas- W (8-0)
Sunday, November 11th 1:00 at Redskins- W (9-0)
Sunday, November 18th vs. Miami- W (10-0)
Sunday, November 25th at Pats- L (10-1)
Sunday, December 2nd vs. Seattle- W (11-1)
Sunday, December 9th vs. Giants- W (12-1)
Sunday, December 16th at Dallas- W (13-1)
Sunday, December 23rd at Saints- W (14-1)
Sunday, December 30th Buffalo- L (14-2)

Now for Armando's picks. Mine are slightly less homerish, but almost equally unrealistic. Obviously the Phillies sentiments are echoed.

at Packers- W (1-0)
Redskins- W (2-0)
Lions- W (3-0)
at Giants- L (3-1)
BYE
at Jets- W (4-1)
Chicago- L (4-2)
at Minnesota- W (5-2)
Dallas- W (6-2)
at Redskins- W (7-2)
Miami- W (8-2)
at Pats- L (8-3)
Seattle- W (9-3)
Giants- W (10-3)
at Dallas- L (10-4)
at Saints- W (11-4)
Buffalo- L (11-5)

Hal has 14-2 and I've got 11-5.

06 Recap (Homer Alert!)

2007-04-11T13:20:00.000-04:00

Before getting into this year's stone cold predictions (poorly researched gut feelings), let's take a look at last year's forecasting performance, also known as 'the lost season,' and 'the year i died for your eagles sins.' (Keep in mind all fanning was done remotely from West Africa)

Sunday, Sept 10th 1PM @ Texans- W (1-0) (Hal 1-0, Eagles 1-0)
Off to a rolling start. At this point I was legitimately excited to be listening to Merrill Reese on internet radio.

Sunday, Sept 17th 1PM vs Giants- W (2-0) (Hal 1-1, Eagles 1-1)
Ugh. Uuuuugh. God, was this brutal. Excitement beginning to wane.

Sunday, Sept 24th 4:15PM @ 49ers- W (3-0) (Hal 2-1, Eagles 2-1)
Picking this game was like betting on the sun to rise.

Monday, Oct 2nd 8:30PM vs Packers- W (4-0) (Hal 3-1, Eagles 3-1)
In a programming miracle I actually got to watch this game live. At 3Am. This led to me fainting during a funeral the next day. The lesson: a 'W' is a 'W.' (And eat breakfast if you're going to sleep 2 hours and stand in the 140% humidity for two hours)

Sunday, Oct 8th 4:15PM vs Cowboys- W (5-0) (Hal 4-1, Eagles 4-1)
Another internet radio classic, this time with a rabid Cowboys fan. My clearcut favorite Cowboys backer after the dude who drove me down five one-way streets in the Manhattan snow to pay back a $50 bet on the game. Needless to say, it goes downhill for the birds and my predictions from here.

Sunday, Oct 15th 1PM @ Saints- W (6-0) (Hal 4-2, Eagles 4-2)
When you're listening to a football game and you can still tell that your strong safety is fifteen yards out of position, you've got problems. The Michael Lewis slide begins.

Sunday, Oct 22th 1PM @ Bucs- L (6-1) (Hal 4-3, Eagles 4-3)
I was 400% certain I was going to get killed on the way home from this game. Vivid recollections of Merrill Reese screaming 'It's not over yet!' after Westbrook's TD with fifty seconds left. Thanks.

Sunday, Oct 29th 1PM vs Jags- W (7-1) (Hal 4-4, Eagles 4-4)
How do you say McNabulous in Spanish?

Sunday, Nov 5th BYE

Sunday, Nov 12th 1PM vs Redskins- W (8-1) (Hal 5-4, Eagles 5-4)
Notice the similarity between my record and the Birds'? The don't call us homers for nothing.

Sunday, Nov 19th 1PM vs Titans- W (9-1) (Hal 5-5, Eagles 5-5)
Finding out that Donnie blew his ACL wasn't even the worst part of my day. November was a tough month.

Sunday, Nov 26th 1PM @ Colts- L (9-2) (Hal 6-5, Eagles 5-6)
So nice to play these games on the road. The last time we played the colts there were five plays when there wasn't enough room on the tv screen for Marvin Harrison and our d backs.

Monday, Dec 4th 8:30PM vs Carolina- W (10-2) (Hal 7-5, Eagles 6-6)
The Garcia era officially gets moving. Friends try to convince me that this is a good thing. Friends are unsuccessful.

Sunday, Dec 10th 1PM @ Redskins- L (10-3) (Hal 7-6, Eagles 7-6)
I remember picking this game and feeling like I needed to stick some losses in here or things would get dull. Yikes.

Sunday, Dec 17th 1PM @ Giants- W (11-3) (Hal 8-6, Eagles 8-6)
By now I had long abandoned Merrill's boom and was relying on itunes 10-minute highlight packages. I probably watched this one 15,000 times.

Monday, Dec 25th 5PM @ Cowboys- L (11-4) (Hal 8-7), Eagles 9-6)
Repeat story from the Redskins game. I recall the analysts had us going about 0-400 during this stretch without Donnie.

Sunday, Dec 31th 1PM vs Falcons- W (12-4) (Hal 9-7, Eagles 9-7)
New Years day began with a cake win and my Dad waking up with 'was there a bar fight last night?'

Life Goes On

2007-04-07T20:24:00.000-04:00

Should we be surprised? Are we ever surprised?

Wait, there was one surprising thing about that first series. Pat the Bat actually hit the ball pretty well! But before you can give us the “praise him now, but in two months you’ll be back on the hate wagon” speech, don’t forget that we still can’t stand him. We all know three games do not a good player make.

Honestly though, even though I was quietly hopeful for a good Phillies season, and one is certainly still possible, we should have seen this lousy start coming. The Braves, minus last season, are still the Braves. The Phillies are still the Phillies. We still watch the games (for another month or two), we still read the box score in the paper, and we still wear Phillies hats and jerseys all summer.

Ah, but yes! Sweet salvation! The first victory. Will the winning streak start here? How long will it last? Or will they lose all manner of awful games in the next month? This month of April has been the thorn in Philadelphia’s baseball side for the past two years. Is this one any different?

Keep this in mind, though. While we all get caught up in the excitement of a winning streak, and the despair of a losing streak, the Phillies are still the Phillies. Until proven otherwise. Oh yeah, they just lost to the Marlins.

Oh Phillies

2007-04-01T17:43:00.000-04:00

The season draws closer and closer every day. Apparently the Phillies paid the Red Sox $50,000 a game for them to come down for these final spring training games, and boy were they exciting. The Greenbleeder went down to the game yesterday, to see Matsuzaka, to enjoy our sweet stadium, and to generally enjoy ourselves.

Can't really say I watched more than 20 total minutes of the game, to be quite honest. But we did get to participate in our favorite pastime, booin Pat Burrell. Added bonus: booing Manny Ramirez, even though I love him. Booing Burrell, though, is one of life's greatest mysteries. I remember one game that Hal and I were at, we sat about five rows back from him in left field. Obviously we gave him work all game, but one inning he managed to hit a homerun. So when he came back to the outfield, everyone cheered him. It didn't take him long to fall out of favor again though, and we were back to booing him soon. The mystery is here though. We all know Burrell isn't the brightest dude, and he seems to have a temper. But how is it that this dude is able to withstand all that brutal treatment for 70-75 games a year? It really kind of intrigues me. Also it intrigues me as to how he manages to get paid so many millions for so little.

Also of note was the laziness of Ramirez's play. Anything even remotely considered center field was completely out of the question. Barry Bonds, eat your heart out.

Another day at the Open

2007-03-28T13:23:00.000-04:00

So I'm watching the Sony Ericsson Open here, specifically to see Roger Federer. He's actually lost recently, which is weird enough to see. And he's already down in the first set. Has the mighty Federer lost his touch? I doubt it.

Really this isn't at all remarkable. What is remarkable though, is the fact that they just went to the crowd with a reporter, and TO was there watching. Obviously they start interviewing him, and he talks about the impressive agility and footwork of the two players. He says he talks to Andy Roddick every once in a while, and that he's pulling for him.

Then he says he might take up tennis, and if he does, that you'll probably see him on the tour soon. Obviously this is hilarious. But it brought to mind an awesome hypothetical.

Federer vs TO. If you assume that TO eventually will learn to play tennis at a better than novice level, how many TOs playing simultaneously to beat Federer? Two TOs versus one Federer? Three? One??

Pasta pasta

2007-03-27T15:10:00.000-04:00

If a picture is worth a thousand words, this video is worth at least fifteen kopecks. Depending on what rate you get. Enjoy Dikembe at his finest.

MNF Trades Up

2007-03-27T11:21:00.000-04:00

Apparently Joe Theisman is out the door on Monday Night Football. To replace him....Philadelphia Eagles great Ron Jaworski!

At first, I wasn't too excited about this. Obviously getting Theisman out of there is fantastic. While Kornheiser was one of the best things that has happened to MNF lately, Theisman made me want to shoot my TV with a nailgun. However, if you see Jaws on ESPN, he always sounds so stilted, and never knows when to pause and when not to pause when reading the teleprompter.

But he won't be reading a teleprompter on MNF. Jaws' analysis is great, and he clearly knows the game very well. Theisman on the other hand seems like he never played the game, even though we all saw his leg get mangled on national television.

Basically, this is just one more reason we at the Bleeder cannot wait for football. Already.

Almost over...

2007-03-26T11:08:00.000-04:00

Honestly, after Kansas lost on Saturday, I found myself not wanting to watch any more basketball. I was sick of it.

But after about a minute, I got over that. So I watched the rest of the games, and they were all very exciting and great and everything. But that's to be expected.

I'm more excited for this Final Four than I have been in a while, even though my team was handily ejected. A rematch from last year's final? Unbelievable. Two of the best big men in the country in the semifinals? Unbelievable.

Winners win, right?

2007-03-20T16:00:00.000-04:00

I don't care about the combine. I don't care about measurables, interviews, or stats. The only thing that I use to evaluate prospects (I'm talking about when pro teams call me up and ask for my advice, calls which I only take when I'm not on the phone with other people calling me with job offers) is how they perform on the court. If you want to judge a college basketball player, what could be a better assessment than the NCAA tournament?

Right now I'm talking about two specific players, Ohio State guard Ron Lewis, and Eric Maynor of VCU. And I'm talking about two writers (both excellent), Chad Ford* and Bill Simmons. Sr. Ford contends that Maynor's stock hasn't risen dramatically, even though we saw him single-handedly take Duke out of the tournament (ditto for Lewis, who went Vince Young all over Xavier). Simmons falls in love with winners, because, no matter what the Phillies PR machine will have you believe, losing is detrimental to a team's success.

*If you follow sports and don't have access to espn insider, please fill me in on your secret. Seriously, I'd love to know.

Big Problem

2007-03-20T09:17:00.000-04:00

Thanks for throwing out the first pitch, dude. Although the 2007 MLB season won't officially kick off until I've watched 'Major League,' it's worth getting out behind the pack and seeing what's in store for the boys in pinstripes (not the one's with 26 world championships).

Through the hundreds of thousands of words that have been printed and uttered over the past few months, we've come up with the idea that the Phillies biggest problem is that they have too many quality starters. This itself is a problem which needs to be cleaned up a little.

1. We do not have too many quality starters
We have two guys who belong in the top half of a 5 man rotation (Myers and Garcia-only because he's going AL to NL). We have one young stud (Hamels) who could start in either the MLB or Triple-A all star game. Then we have a crafty veteran, (Moyers) who would be perfect if we were filming a B movie, but since we're actually trying to win baseball games, he poses a bit of a problem. Adam Eaton and Jon Lieber round out the group as they fight for the title of 'best in the bullpen.'

2. If we did have too many starters, this would be a good thing
But we don't, so this one kills me. Reporters and talk show hosts talk about this team like they're the 1927 Yankees. As if having too many quality starters would be a detriment. This is like Warren Buffet complaining that he has too much money or Wilt wailing over his "too many girlfriends." Pitching wins baseball games. More pitching wins more baseball games.

3. We do not have enough in the bullpen
Now we can get started. This is a problem, but, if you'll refer to points 1 and 2, you'll see that we just have a problem of wording. It's not that we have too many starters and not enough bullpen; we actually have a lack of quality starters and too many relievers who have charaded their way into the rotation. So call it what it is, and the problem is solved.

We never had a pitching problem. The only problem the Phillies have had this offseason is a labeling problem. There are 17 pitchers on the current roster. Five of them, at some point, need to make starts. The rest don't. If we can find five men in that pile to do the job, great. If not, then we have a problem.

What's it gonna be, boys?

2007-03-19T22:57:00.001-04:00

Right around this time every year, I find myself pondering the wonders of baseball. Will the boring, hot summer have me sitting inside on my couch watching the Phillies in the air conditioning, or will I wind up doing something useful with my time? Clearly a healthy balance can bet met, but we will see for sure in a couple months.

Last year we made a ban on Phillies posts after about two months of the season. We all know why.

So what makes this season any different? I'll admit, I never get excited about the Phillies before the season starts. But this season we've got Utley, Garcia, Hamels, Rollins, and best of all Howard. The rest of the NL East is weak, and the Phils have just as good a chance of winning as anyone, if not better.

But we've all learned this lesson before. Throw it all in there, and get your heart broken by July. I know better, and I refuse to do so. I'm still rooting for them, and I'll watch as many games as I can. But you won't catch me massaging anyone's nuts until they make the playoffs.

That's More Like It

2007-03-19T08:59:00.000-04:00

Sorry to hear that lottery hopes aren't linked to margin of victory (or defeat), but the Sixers look to be back on track with a 50 point loss to the Yao Ming and his traveling all-stars. While the Sixers will need to break out some major struggles (an injury to a certain point guard would be nice) to catch up with soaring Grizz and Celtics who were recently fined 30,000 kopecks for excessive contact with Durant's family.

But you can't help but be slightly bothered by Durant's recent exit from the tourney, where he was expected to dominate all comers in his final act as an unpaid athlete. In this case the numbers do lie, as Durant threw up 27 and 11 in the first 30 and 9 in the second while looking generally pedestrian throughout. You can continue that he looks like the prototypical nba all-star already, his game replete with sagged shoulders and late defensive switches, but those just aren't the type of points that get the scouts drooling. More than anything else, he just didn't look ready. So here's to hoping that the Sixers aren't either, because there's nothing we need less than three first round picks in a draft without Durant and Oden.

The first round is over

2007-03-17T12:33:00.000-04:00

Well, you've probably already heard the vast amounts of analysis, prophecies, and predictions for this damn tournament. And honestly, even though I root heavily for a few teams, I mostly just enjoy watching any of this.

However, up until this year I never really realized just how tough it is for a weak team like Penn to beat a tougher team, like Texas A&M. Now, there was never any doubt in my mind that A&M would win the game, and handily. I didn't realize that they literally had no chance of winning.

Now, there's a difference here between Penn, and a team like Niagra. Niagra has dudes who are athletic, but not quite athletic enough to play for a better school. Penn has dudes who are smart, but would never have a shot at playing anywhere but in the Ivy League. So when you match a 6'9" 200 pound guy against a 7' 275 pound guy, the bigger one is gonna win about 90 times out of 100. Repeat this for 40 minutes, and you have the result.

Basically the point here is this. It's always a "miracle," or "hugest upset ever" when games like this happen. I contend that it is NEVER strictly the result of phenomenal play from the underdog team, and that it almost has to be the result of atrocious play for the favorite. College basketball is unique in this, I believe. In almost every major sport, there is always a chance for victory on either side. And I'm not talking about a simple underdog vs favorite here, I mean a team that is clearly and completely dominated in every possible way.

I really don't have a point here. I was trying to put into words the sheer ridiculousness of a matchup such as Penn and A&M. I honestly think that there is less than a 5% chance of the underdog ever winning in situations like these, and when they do, it is for reasons other than their own performance. That said, my other squad, rock chalk jayhawk, is going to win it all, and I couldn't be happier.

Hey Armando, It's Your Boy

2007-03-06T10:29:00.000-04:00

I don't have any strong baseball rivalries, mainly because the teams that I would consider rivals I instead consider terrible and not worth my time (M.E.T.S. METS METS METS). But Armando hates the Braves, because Armando hates Chipper Jones. Well now, I kind of love Chipper Jones. Turns out he's eschewing the tried and true workout routine for the Hal Morra 1999 'if you can't eat em, join em' plan. Sadly, he credits John Kruk, another quiet reminder that I am not, and have never been a famous professional athlete turned talking head. I would lend my advice to Chipper and say that the sky's the limit approach to dieting isn't' the best mechanism for scoring chicks, but he's got cash and is probably married, besides. So, best of luck, and can I recommend the old Charles Barkley steak-a-day routine? (I had to settle for a taco-a-day due to financial restrictions).

Stallworth Correction

2007-03-06T10:26:00.000-04:00

I found out this morning that all information about the league's substance abuse policy is shared with all the teams, but is was airtight within the league. So, this should not lower Donte's market value unless a) Teams were not gathering all possible information available to them from the league on players that they intend to spend millions of dollars on AND b) they were instead, getting this information from various newspaper sources throughout the country. So, back to the old Na Brown, James Thrash contingent we go.

King in the Castle

2007-03-05T13:09:00.000-04:00

I just threw up in my mouth. Forbes.com, in conjunction with a team of (poorly) trained salamanders, has anointed Sixers GM Billy King as the third best GM in all of professional sports. He was edged out by fellow whiz Kevin McHale, who has been running the Timberwolves franchise into the ground for the last two seasons. Forbes' crack team apparently employed methods ranging from dart-throwing to picking from a hat in an effort to come up with the best proof yet that sometimes, the numbers do lie. Not mentioned were the contracts Billy King gave to Dikembe Mutombo ($68 million), Kenny Thomas ($40 million), Brian Skinner ($25 million), nor the fabulous two nickels and a penny for a fifty-dollar bill trade to get Iverson out of town. Highlighted were his shrewd spending techniques (89% of the league average), and team wins vs. his predecessors, John Lucas (wow), and Pat Croce (who drafted Iverson, and was around to suck up the rebuilding losses before King stepped in). Please keep this information away from Ed Snider. Please.

More Signs Your Team is in Trouble

2007-03-05T11:14:00.000-04:00

When you open the paper to read that your star receiver is in the league's substance abuse program, and this strikes you as good news, perhaps your problems run deeper than you had thought. Donte Stallworth now finds himself as a double-risk receiver (mind and body), unable to cash in on a free agency period in which a guard (Kris Dielman) declined a contract at seven million a year. This, of course comes to the delight of Eagles fans who sat heartbroken at the thought of losing Donte and his 38 catches. What's worse for Donte (better for fans) is that this revelation couldn't have come at a more inopportune time, as the league is making "character" its hot topic in an offseason following 17% of the Cincinnati Bengals being fitted for bracelets (high-water mark was Chris Henry puking out of the passenger side of a car while a teammate was being interrogated by an officer on the driver's side).

Trouble, is, with all the character issues Andy Reid is dealing with at home this offseason (best wishes to the Reid family), the organization may not be looking to add more baggage inside the locker room, even if that baggage comes cut-rate. If nothing else, all this excitement should be enough to distract people from the team's tireless efforts to improve their linebacking corps. Don't forget, we traded Mark Simoneau for this guy.

Enough

2007-03-01T10:42:00.000-04:00

Lay down. Lay flat on your chest with your hands exposed. And listen. You need to stop winning these games. You need to stop winning anything. If I were you I'd be out throwing celebrity games. I'd lose in 1-1 to my six-year old just as to not get accustomed to the idea of winning. Next year, you can win all you want. You can win two, three, four times a day. But not this year. This year there is a young man in Texas, who, while you were out beating the best team in the league, took down the fifth-ranked team in the nation in double-OT. And if that's not enough, there's another young man in Ohio who is beating up the country left-handed. But if you want to hop around, playing defense, not moving on screens, hitting open jumpers, and playing good team basketball, just to line yourselves up for Brandan Wright, or Joakim Noah, or Yi Jianlian, I'm not gonna stand for it. And neither is the rest of this town. You've got a big game tonight against basement rival Memphis. This is a must-lose game. It cannot be stressed enough. This will be a tough game to lose. We'll need bad passes, twenty-four second violations, errant fouls, we'll need to really pull out all the stops to blow this one. But it has to be done. You are hopeless. Thank god Shavlik's still out robbing Miller trucks, that guy doesn't know how to turn it off. But the rest of you, you should know better.

Something's gotta turn around, because I'm getting really sick of all this winning.

Gotta Have It: Vet Turf

2007-03-01T10:07:00.000-04:00

This column is generally a stand-in joke, but this week I'm as serious as an old lady staring down a restaurant bill. I love the piece of rubble, too. Make sure I don't confuse it with my piece of the Berlin wall, although you could go around the city and probably find 10,000 vet stories for every one yarn on the old German divider.

But how much turf did this guy get? Half an endzone? What kind of connnections do you need to score this kind of green? I might prefer a ten minute phone call with this dude to his actual product. Also dig the lengths he goes to point out that this is definitley not the new nex-turf, it is in fact the green monster that legends like Fred Barnett and Wilbert Montgomery made their bread on. If you're still sore about missing my last 24 birthdays, feel free to mail this one my way.

Wait a second, have the Flyers actually acquired a real starting goalie?

2007-02-28T13:16:00.000-04:00

I'm so confused.

Is the Bobby Clarke two goalie era really over for this town? I really can't be certain until I see it for myself, but this seems unreal.

Martin Biron would probably start on this team under normal circumstances. At this point, it's up for grabs. Next season, if he resigns in the offseason, he is most likely the best choice to start. With a career goals against average of 2.53 and a save percentage of 90.9, he has to be the choice. Way better than Nittymaki's 3.08 and 89.7, and better than Esche's 2.75 and 89.9.

The Flyers didn't trade much to get him, just a second round pick. In the NHL that can be valuable, or completely worthless. It's just as much of a crapshoot as any other league.

The question is this: now that Bobby Clarke is gone, will the team finally be able to settle on a single goalie? One more deserving than either of our other goalies? Biron has the potential to be a very good goaltender, and if the team is able to gel with the good draft picks they should get in the offseason, and any free agent acquisitions, the team might actually have a good chance of rebounding next season.

Who Loves You, Five?

2007-02-26T12:31:00.000-04:00

Andy Reid. More than his mother, more than his father, more than the kid in south-side Chicago that Donnie gave three dollars to buy himself and his buddies a couple bags of funyuns. Andy loves him so much that he'll go so far as to shortchange the organization by not even offering an Eagles-brand lowball initial contract to Jeff Garcia, just to avoid the possibility of disturbing a hair on the chin of our franchise quarterback (not to be mistaken for our franchise player, Brian Westbrook).

Overview of moves made by Eagles management this offseason:
1. Re-sign a quarterback who has ONE win in his entire collegiate and professional career versus a team with a win percentage above 500 (don't worry, he knows the system).
2. Discard a quarterback who went 5-2, including the playoffs, including a stretch of three straight divisional games on the road that no one had us winning with or without Donovan.
3. (Ostensibly) discard the only potential number one receiver on the team.

The big questions heading into the 2007 season has to be: which does Andy love more, his quarterback or his system? Which system does he love more, the 70/30 pass scheme that has taken his quarterback out of 3 of the last 4 seasons, or the 60/40 run game that got him into the playoffs with a quarterback that the Lions, Browns, and Niners didn't want?

The only shot this team has is to play real football. There are plenty of coaches around the league who love to spread the field and throw 60% of their plays out of shotgun (see Bill Belichick), but they know that come playoff time, you have to put the ball on the ground, run the clock, and let your defense mash something together. Give Five the run support that Garcia had and he will thrive. Maybe he'll even put enough points on the board to support our defense while their AARP cards are still out at the printer's.

I know I've been silent

2007-02-23T10:24:00.000-04:00

Yeah I'm the only one who likes hockey here. I know, you don't have to rub it in.

So why the silence? God knows we've endured much worse performances in the past. But there's just something about this Flyers team that makes it all the more painful. In fact, I really haven't even been watching. I watch every third or fourth game, whereas normally I don't miss any. The real reason is that I can't figure out why they're so bad. I can figure out why the defense sucks....we have no good veteran defenseman. I can tell why our goaltending is mediocre...we have mediocre goalies. But the offense boggles my mind. The entire season, when I do watch, I've devoted way too much brain power and time to trying to think of a reason WHY they can't ever score more than a goal or two. Forsberg being out didn't help, but that wasn't the reason. Firing Hitchcock really didn't help, but once again, not the main reason. Who knows really.

Once again we're left in an awkward situation. Tons of young "talent," with very little consistent veteran leadership and effort. After we got knocked out by Buffalo in the playoffs last season, I remember the common sentiment being "Well next season we'll be great, now that all these kids have a season under their belt blah blah blah blah blah." So who's saying that now? Not me. Not that I'm a pessimist, because really I'm not. But you have to do some serious mental gymnastics to convince me that without major changes this team is better than average next year.

The Great No-Talent NBA Debate

2007-02-21T17:52:00.000-04:00

As is usually the case for our discussions, Hal, myself, and another friend were discussing the NBA over some beers the other day. We were watching the Lakers, so of course we discussed how the Mamba is unstoppable. They were playing the Cavs, so of course we discussed how Bron really needs to quit it with the nail biting nonsense.

However, the most interesting question was this. If you were to play in the NBA for one game, what statistic could you most easily acquire? And I don't mean a turnover.

Let's discuss the relative merits of all of them.

1) Point -- fat chance I could ever score in the NBA. Even if fouled, I most certainly guarantee that I would miss both free throws because I'm a no-talent loser.

2) Block -- Even if we were playing in a reverse gravity gym, with 8 foot ceilings, and I was still in normal gravity, I couldn't block anyone. I'm not strong enough.

So that leaves us with the last three: rebounds, steals, and assists. A tough decision, as there is potential in each of these. For instance, a rebound can come off the rim in a weird enough way that it could fall into my hands, no matter where on the court I am. Similarly, if AI knocked the ball loose from an unsuspecting opponent, and I caught it, the steal counts for me. I could pass the ball to almost anyone in the NBA, and they could score, giving me an assist. So which of these three viable options is the most viable?

First, I'm going to rule out the rebound, simply because at any moment, virtually anyone in the NBA could box me out, or just take the ball from my hands.

For basically the same reason, I'm going to rule out the steal. In any sort of scrum scenario, anyone would be able to rip the ball out of my hands.

Now we come to the assist. Given the right scenario, I believe that I could successfully move the ball from under my own basket after an opposing point, across half court, and pass to someone who could take a shot, or drive to the net, and score. Giving me an assist, and putting my name in the NBA record books.

Oh boy oh boy

2007-01-10T12:21:00.001-04:00

We all know the Saints are good. Honestly, I, and I think most people, were pulling for them all season to do well. And yes, they played the Eagles during the regular season and won.

But let's stop for a second here. First off, they did play in the mediocre at best NFC South, right? The Panthers? The Falcons? The BUCS? Alright now.

Secondly, although they beat the Eagles earlier in the season, did everyone forget how it went down? If i'm not mistaken, the Birds came back from a 17 point deficit to take the lead, only to blow it on a last second field goal.

So I'm not advocating that ESPN and the like favor the Eagles in this game or anything, but come on. Give them a little credit.

Stressful, indeed.

2007-01-09T01:57:00.000-04:00

While I was quite optimistic about Sunday's contest against the Giants, the questions for myself related not to who was going to win, but to whether or not I was going to go to the game.

I've only been to two Eagles games, both against the stinking Redskins. One in Landover, MD a few years ago, where I was able to scalp a ticket for less than face value (stick that in your pipes and smoke it you fairweather Skins fans). The other game was on New Years last year with Hal in Philly, and we lost. However, we were the last two Eagles fans in the Linc, as all the Skins fans stayed late to celebrate with the players who had just clinched a playoff spot. Hal and myself booed them all vociferously.

So, before this weekend's game, I had a few options for a ticket. The only realistic one had me paying $300 for a decent endzone seat. On the surface, 300 bucks is a lot of money for a football game. However, it is the Eagles. It is the playoffs. And it's the Giants. (Other possible considerations include: A) Tom Coughlin spontaneously combusting on the sideline. B) Tiki Barber's last game ever. C) Jeff Garcia coming out of the closet, thereby allowing me to rub the fact that the Giants got beat by a gay QB in the face of Giants fans everywhere.)

However, in my experience, while sitting real close to the field at a football game is exciting, you typically can't see a damn thing. Clearly, you get a much better feel for the game watching it on TV or from a higher, more affordable seat. Also, I just got back from 3 previous weeks of vacation, one in Virginia, one on a road trip, and one in Las Vegas. Money was not flowing like wine, water, or what have you.

Point is, I didn't go. I watched the game at the bar where I work, and it was obviously completely awesome. You all saw it. The Eagles beat the crap out of them all game, and then made it just interesting enough at the end for us to call it an incredible game. Perhaps the best moment came in the picture that I posted above.

So, the question is this: how do you quantify the value of a sporting event like this? I clearly couldn't afford the game, but if I had spent the money and gone, I wouldn't be in debt for the rest of my life either. I'm totally perplexed, wishing I had gone, and wishing that I could just get the damn season tickets already that I've been on the waiting list for for years.

Best Christmas Present Ever???

2006-12-26T01:05:00.000-04:00

Sure was! The only time in my mind that the game was in question was when Garcia threw the early pick. After that, smooth sailing. And I couldn't be happier. Who'd have thought this season could be turned around like this? And with a backup QB?

One word. Awesome.

Alright, so we've been slacking

2006-11-21T13:02:00.000-04:00

But come on, cut us some slack. Hal's in Africa, James and I have been beaten into submission by the horrible play of, well, everyone, and I'm busy with school learning how to actually write.

Yeah we know that's no excuse. You rely on the Greenbleeder for all things sport. As well you should, and your confidence is not misplaced.

Yes, we here at Greenbleeder are fallible, it may be hard to believe, but it is the truth. And we have slacked mightily.

But tell me this. Would you really have wanted to hear Hal be optimistic about an Eagles season that has had most of us wanting to get sledgehammered in the nuts? Would you really have wanted to read my nonsense about how the Flyers aren't really this bad, they're just confused? Would you really want to read James talk about Penn State as if this season isn't a joke?

Possibly, you say? I think you're lying.

In all facticity, factitude, and facticiousness, I have almost entirely drowned out the sports media lately. I watch the Eagles (gag), I try to watch the Flyers (choke/vomit), and I willingly watch the Sixers (they're at least decent, but NBA=syrup of ipecac). But I don't read the sports section in the paper anymore. I rarely watch SportsCenter. I rarely watch my favorite show on TV, Pardon the Interruption. I'm in a vacuum.

I did see Ryan Howard get the MVP. I am happy. He is a phenomenal player, and he deserves it. What I don't want to see is the Phillies use this to hide the fact that they still fucking suck.

In summary, it's rough times here at GB, for everyone. I'm sure it's rough times for a lot of you as well. But we keep on keepin on. I'll watch football on Thanksgiving, because that's what we do in this country. And I'll watch hockey because that's what they do in Canada, and they're nice people. But I will not, repeat will not, go quietly into the night accepting the bullshit on a silver platter we have been handed this fall by our squads. Can we get a break?

I'm sure no one cares but me, buuuuut

2006-10-07T11:45:00.000-04:00

The Flyers are playing again. I'm sure none of our readers really get into hockey until the playoffs, if at all (I know some of you down right hate it). But I love it, so here it is.

They sucked worse than I thought they could possibly suck on Thursday. I missed the first two periods of the game because I was in class, which I was initially pissed about. Later on, I found out it was a blessing. Somehow, I decided to subject myself to the late-night replay of the game, and found that my inital assumptions were correct. There was nothing good about the game. Not a single thing.

So I don't want to talk about that anymore. However, TODAY is the home opener, against the team I love to hate the most (possibly the 2nd most, but the Devils sorta suck these days), the New York Rangers. If anyone can remember far back enough to last year's opener, the Rangers beat us like a bunch of peewees, and then proceeded to be totally crappy for the rest of the season. However, they've gotten better this season, and this game should be great.

All in all though, I am not overly excited for the Flyers this year. Not because I don't love hockey, it's my favorite sport. But I just don't think they did anything to fix the numerous problems that they had last year. In fact, sometimes I think the Flyers are like a slightly more successful Phillies team. It frustrates me that much. Sure they get to the playoffs almost every year, and a few times to the Finals. But Bobby Clarke continues to do the same stupid shit year in and year out, and it's very frustrating. The Ed Wade Era is over, I'd like to see an end to the Bobby Clarke Era.

Can we collectively get over this yet?

2006-10-07T11:32:00.000-04:00

This Sunday is a big game. A bigger than big game. A huge game. Might even be bigger than that.

And yeah, while all they've talked about on ESPN and everywhere else all damn week is TO versus the Eagles, that's really not what it's about. This game is the Cowboys, and the Eagles, in Philadelphia, to determine the course of the rest of the season. As is the other division game in New York. These should be two incredible football games, to watch, to talk about, everything. It's funny that the national sports media has talked about this game sooo much but has barely talked about the game itself. Do you think any of the players care about TO? They asked a bunch of them, and many are still friends with the guy. No one gives two shits, they're professionals, we're the ones who get our collective panties in a collective wad. McNabb cares a little bit, I think, but we all know he's a sensitive mama's boy, very similar to TO in a more positive, endearing way.

In evaluating the possible outcome of this game, I approach it as if I was going to make a bet. And I wouldn't touch this game with your money. I think the Birds do win, but almost entirely because it's at home. The crowd will obviously be VERY into this one, and that really does help in a lot of ways. TO will get double coverage all day long, because Andy Reid is also something like a sensitve mama's boy, and wouldn't want to get beat by the man who ruined his team. Terry Glenn as a result will catch a lot of balls. But I think the real battle in this game is our offense versus their defense, which should be a good one. In any event, I can't wait for this one, and not because of TO.

Honestly, I'm over it.

Wow

2006-09-25T11:14:00.000-04:00

People were talking all sorts of nonsense about how easy the game yesterday was going to be for the Eagles. I really thought it was important to not underestimate them, as they had shown clear improvements over last year. Still not a great team, but better than before. Obviously no one on the Eagles was taking the game lightly, so I wasn't really worried about it.

But I gotta say, that game was more boring than the accounting class I mistakenly took in college. I fell asleep before half time, and upon waking up sometime in the 4th quarter, I decided to just chalk it up and go back to sleep. I don't have much hope for next week either, not with the way the Birds' offense is playing. So don't count on any stunningly brilliant witticisms from me this week, but I don't think you were doing that anyways. Yeah, I'm going back to sleep.

Belated Anniversary

2006-09-23T13:19:00.000-04:00

Did anyone notice besides me that we've been writing this silly thing for over a year now? I just did. As celebration, I thought I'd bring back a hypothetical, but Hal's better at that than I am. I refuse to talk about the Phillies still, but that might actually happen sometime in the near future. In fact, I'm going to avoid almost every standard and ethical precept that we've created over the year at Greenbleeder, and talk about a political hero of mine. To quote from the standard-bearer of American journalism, the New York Times:

“Yesterday, ladies and gentlemen, from this rostrum, the president of the United States, the gentleman to whom I refer as the devil, came here, talking as if he owned the world. Truly. As the owner of the world.” -- Hugo Chavez, president of Venezuela.

Haha. He called Bush the devil. Now back to sports, sorry about that.

It's a Deep Burn

2006-09-21T14:25:00.000-04:00

OOOOOOOO K. I'm ready to start looking forward. I obviously don't need to talk about last week and think it's time to get ready for Sunday. I have conflicted thoughts about this game. Im 70% sure that the Eagles will come out angry and light the 9ers up good and proper. But 30% of me is concerned about the hangover, concerned with Mr. Gore, but most of all concerned about getting that call to duty. I don't know where the Eagles are getting bodies for the secondary but it seems like they went to the goofy name department. Who knows, maybe I'll be next.

The injuries are really starting to scare me. I know we are 8 deep on the D line but losing Kearse to Carson Palmer surgery is tough to stomach. With the secondary currently severly depleted, there will be even more pressure on the D line to get to the QB. God knows our linebackers aren't bailing anyone out.

So let's look forward. Hopefully we will watch an angry team beat the pulp out of an inferior squad. I want our boys to fly home from the west coast still starving for more, thier eyes already on Green Bay. In '02 the Eagles blew a lead to the Titans and won thier next 3 games by an average of about 21 points. The next two teams really should be pushovers (d'oh), and ummmm don't get me started on the game on the 8th.........

Severe despondence

2006-09-19T11:54:00.000-04:00

Well. We're all in the same boat. I had to give it at least 24 hours, or I would've just had an extreme case of verbal diarrhea. So I left it alone, but I definitely feel the same as I did on Sunday at 5:30 pm. It definitely wasn't good, but since Hal pretty much covered the bad side of this game, I'll see if I can get something positive out there.

Let's face it. For about 3 quarters, the Eagles made a pretty decent team look like garbage. They looked like a JV high school football team. That defense that everyone likes to talk about so much (I never understood that in the first place) couldn't do a damn thing. Strahan who? Umenyiora who? The Birds didn't really run the ball, but that's nothing new, and to be expected at this point. Our defense, minus one starting d-back, and then minus Rod Hood (who should be the starter), still handled them. Demolished them I'd say. Little Eli looked positively fearful, as he should have. The Eagles looked like the team of old, and yeah...they horribly blew it. But if you mean to tell me that the potential for an extremely good season is not there, I'll tell you you're crazy.

And yeah, that game was awful.

You're Like a Lost Child, Who Wanders Into the Room

2006-09-18T03:24:00.000-04:00

And maybe it's not just coincidence that they're both named Donnie. 15 minutes to go. We're watching a Super Bowl team operating at a near peak level. 25 minutes and and 23 points later, we're left with nothing but questions. Can Five lead this team to a win from behind, or is our team designed only to cruise? Can the defense survive the loss of our second and third cornerbacks, especially with Sheldon already having yielded two touchdowns on the season? And just how can you put together eight sacks and a turnover and not come out with the win?

At the end I'm just left confused. I feel like a child, only I still have to go to work today. Week two and I'm picking up the pieces of my mind, shattered by a defense that couldn't hold back the flood and an offense that is simply not built for the fourth quarter.

One of the most troubling failures was that it is an offense built for overtime, they got the ball at the fifty, and still couldn't get it done. I'm wearing, aching, debilitated. 25 mintues stole away what little i had left. Staring 4-0 right in the eyes. A divisional loss at home. And when you're 5000 miles east of Philly, every game is in prime-time. I'm on empty. For the first time since I left I'm happy not to wake up in Philly because to see the faces on three million people who just had their heart ripped out by a silver spoon cake eating son of a hall of fame loser would just be too much.

Tom Coughlin wears women's underwear.

2006-09-17T11:51:00.000-04:00

Everyone knows we here at the Greenbleeder have nothing but an intense hatred for all things New York Giants. Everything about them is hateable, from the coach, down to the waterboys. But we are also loathe to underestimate an opponent, and the Giants of recent years have proven a formidable one. Sometimes. They've also been total suckers.

It is this writer's opinion that this game sets the stage for the NFC East, for all teams, not just Philadelphia or New York. The winner will become the target, and the loser might be ready to get thrown on the loser's pile. I've been watching the New York fans bet the point spread down and down and down all week, and I can confidently say that those are some horrible bets. Get ready for an overrated Giants defense getting pummelled by the Bird's underrated offense. I can already see it now. Even though I'm writing this an hour before the game and most likely no one will read it until the winner has been decided, I just wanted everyone to know how much I hate the Giants with all my pure, golden, Cuban heart.

They should be pushovers...

2006-09-12T12:35:00.000-04:00

Damn it's good to be back. Good to have sports to write about, and even better to see the birds on top of the division. And while the division may or not be "the best in football," few would dissagree that it is the most competitive, with all four teams having similar talent levels. This fact makes each week that much more critical.

Ok, so the Texans rolled over and played dead. I don't expect the Giants to do the same (until the 4th quarter at least). The Giants have an absolutelty murderous schedule (ranked the most difficult in the league.) Following his home opening loss to big bro, Eli takes his "game face" and asshole supporting cast on the road to Philly, followed by a road trip out west to face the recently upgraded Seahawks in a revenge games for the wanna be birds (remember the Feely game last year?)

Nothing would make me happier than to see the Giants 0-3 heading into thier bye week, with Eli's confidence suddenly nowhere to be found. For some reason I like watching the New York media tear apart underachieving lousy bums in front of the whole country.

I might be officially ahead of myself but I'm a fan, and I'm allowed to be, dick. I have complete faith that big Andy and a focused locker room (for some reason I feel like there's fewer distractions this year) will bring thier A game to the Linc this Sunday afternoon and KICK THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF THE NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS.

E-A-G-L-E-S....EAGLES!!!

Now he's gonna write about soccer?

2006-09-09T08:14:00.000-04:00

I’ve waiting long enough to shamelessly steal the running diary of a sporting event, so why not start with the most anticipated/weirdest/most interesting/scariest/most unsafe thing I’ve seen so far in Africa, none of which is any kind of understatement.

Mid July: Rumors start appearing that the new stadium will open in September, with a match against Cameroon. From this one could gather that the stadium might open this year, and that there’s a possibility a soccer match may be played against some African nation. Still no way to be sure.

Early August: Word holds steady that the match will be in September, but now it’s versus Liberia, with whispers that Real Madrid is coming to town. This is approximately as likely as a Division III NCAA team telling their fans that the 1986 bears are holding a exhibition match in their stadium next week and having it happen, in 2006.

Late August: Tickets are on sale! September 4th, 4pm versus Liberia. Tickets range from three bucks up to fifteen. Beautiful. Hook me up with some four dollar fun.

September 4th, 1:30: Head out towards the stadium, planning to grab some food on the way.

1:45: The town is comprised almost completely of hole in the wall or open door one-room stores. The restaurants are marked by the words “Hay comida” on the wall outside, letting you know they “Have food.” Very welcoming. My dad decided that they are all part of the ‘Hay Comida” franchise, I guess you could say that they are Africa’s Bob’s Big Boy, with the main exception that no matter how extensive their menu is on any given day, they only have two dishes, and you probably don’t want either of them. I step in and order chicken with rice. Santi, my buddy I’m going to the game with, orders fish with plantains, and is told that don’t have any fish. Ok, how about beef with plantains? Sorry, no plantains. Beef with rice please. And a coke? No coke. Stellar.

1:49: While destroying a drumstick I proudly pronounce that Guinea will win 2-0, with a goal in the 25th and 85th minutes. ‘Uh, I hope… you are right,’ says Santi.

1:54: The waiter’s head explodes from eighteen kids screaming at him for some chicken. Free meal.

2:00: We begin our ascent to the stadium, along with 15,000 other people who are either in the midst of, or preparing to lose their minds.

2:30: Arrive at the stadium, are well pleased to find that there is in fact a game, and that they’re letting people in. Looking good.

2:40: Find our seats, learn that the extra dollar we paid put us under the awning. And here comes the rain! I Immediately am pleased about our purchase.

3:00: Still reveling in the joy of the new stadium, notice that there is a leak in the roof two seats to my right. About every two seconds little kid is getting walloped by a inch-wide drop of rain. Our luck continues.

3:15: The cops have done a stellar job of keeping beer out of the stadium, but the small handful of guys that did their work beforehand are more than making up for their 14,000 sober friends. Beautiful spectacle.

3:30: Interest in the new stadium subsides and I notice that there are 15,000 people in the stadium and only 50 cops. What’s the Spanish word for mayhem?

4:00: Players come out on the field, on time! Miracle of miracles. Also, the sky is open like church on Sunday. Very well spent extra dollar.

4:10: No cheerleaders, no mascots, but we do have eight year old kids acting as ball boys. I think hip-hop would have worked this game for free, but that’s just a guess.

4:15: And we’re off. Guinea pushes the ball up the right wing, centers and… GOAL! Nope, offsides. My prediction is holding. Approximately 14,762 dudes curse in a language I don’t speak. I stick to English with a bit of Spanish mixed in.

4:20: If you know anything about sports, it doesn’t take long to figure out who’s the dog and who are the studs. I don’t know a lick about soccer and I can tell you definitively that #25, a defenseman, is not making it through this game. I’ll bet 2000 FCFA on it. No one accepts.

4:22: #25 falls down, barely avoids letting up a goal.

4:30: #25 falls again.

4:35: Some dude fakes being hurt, gets in the stretcher, gets to the sideline, immediately jumps out and sprints back on the field. Could this ever work in America? Ever? Have these people seen Jeremiah Trotter?

4:40: GOOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!! 15,000 people promptly lose their minds. I think the city is about to collapse. 25th minute. One down, one to go. Police barricade the field. Thankfully no one jumps on.

4:43: Scratch that, here comes the first idiot.

4:44: Still running

4:45: Got em. Players don’t miss a beat.

4:55: #25 gets burnt terribly, goalie falls down trying to dive, goal, Liberia. 1-1. No police presence needed. Yet.

5:02: Halftime. You can be pretty sure their won’t be any guys coming on the field to do Frisbee dog tricks. I’m not counting on a $500,000 goal from 100 yards out either. Not ruling it out though. The halftime show mainly consists of fans yelling at the cops not to arrest people who come on the field. Is there anywhere in the world that you don’t get thrown in jail for running on the field? I’ll bet the Swiss even have a rule against it. Come on.

5:30: Second half begins. Some poor fan with his whole body painted tries to get the wave going. Not happening.

5:35: Mercifully, #25 is pulled. Easy money.

5:40: zzzzz.

5:45: zzzzzz.

5:50: Red card, Liberia. Half a garbage call, but we’ll take it. 11 on 10 from here on out.

5:55: GOOOOAL! Nope, offsides. Just an awful, awful rule. Why not let the dudes behind the defense? Does cherry picking work in any other sport? There’s no NBA team sitting one man under the other basket and heaving outlet passes. Come to think of it, is Kyle Korver’s defense really that much better than if he wasn’t there at all? Hmm.

6:10: 40th minute, fans are losing spirit. Eerily similar to the last innings of a Phillies game, only if every time an infielder took a ball off their chest they rolled around for two minutes and waited for a stretcher. So I guess it’s more like a Mets game. Did I mention this sport is all I have here?

6:12: Corner kick, no luck.

6:13: Corner kick, no luck.

6:14: Corner kick, centered, quick shot on goal, and it’s in!! Immediately hits a Liberian dude standing about two inches inside the goal line, bounces out, every single person is out of their seat screaming and no one has any idea if they’ve called it a goal yet. The players are in some sort of half-celebration, half- mortified mode, and then it hits the screen. Open the floodgates.

6:15: Liberian team is livid. One dude punches a Guinean player in the face, both teams break into an all out brawl until the military comes on to separate them. We’ve still got five minutes of game time left. I’m interested to see how this’ll play out. I’m also interesting in getting out alive.

6:16: Complete pandemonium continues. Play does not.

6:17: Still no sign of a soccer ball.

6:19: Ball is now back in the center of the field, Liberian goalie is now egging the fans on. Apparently he didn’t get a good security count.

6:24: And its over! A Guinean player runs to the sideline, throws his shirt into the crowd and fruitlessly begs the fans not to rush the field. Three guys jump on, run at him, hugging him and trying to steal his shorts while giving him a photo. I take a look at that the fans, then at the cops, and mention it might be a good time to leave.

6:25: And here comes the flood. Thousands on thousands rush onto the field as we find the side exit. Playtime’s over, back to the real world.

I have zee lingonberry pancakes

2006-09-05T11:17:00.000-04:00

Number 72. Six-foot-seven...three hundred and thirty-five pounds.
Number 79. Six-foot-six...three hundred and twenty-one pounds.
Number 67. Six-foot-four...three hundred and thirty pounds.
Number 73. Six-foot-four...three hundred and forty pounds.
Number 69. Six-foot-seven...three hundred and thirty pounds.
Hal Morra. Five-foot-10 and a half. One hundred and ninety-two pounds, and falling.

These are five plus one reasons why Donovan McNabb is set to have the greatest year in Philadelphia sports history and hoist the Lombardi trophy so high he's gonna bring rain. My friend, have you ever seen a six foot seven, three hundred and thirty-five pound man? Have you ever seen a man bend over twice just to get through a doorway? Have you ever seen the fear in the eyes of a waiter, so scared that if this man's steak is overdone he's gonna be in traction for sixteen and a half weeks? These are five Paul Bunyans determined to let no man lay a hand on their blue ox.

Fuck dogs, an offensive lineman is a man's best friend. Everything that goes right, and half the things that go wrong this year will be on the merit of these five men, and their five apprentices waiting in the wings. Have you seen Max Jean-Giles! This man dominates folding chairs. Wicker furniture trembles.

Remember that old 5th grade science project where you had to design some kind of contraption to put an egg into, then you drop it off the roof, and if your egg doesn't break, you get an A? Well, if you're the Redskins, you wait until March 11th, then wrap the egg in money. If you're the Giants, you're probably too upset about how shitty your egg is, so you just throw the motherfucker into the wall. If you're the Cowboys, you hard-boil the egg, chuck it and hope no one notices, because your karma's already fucked. Well, Andy Reid took his egg, and wrapped it in 1,656 pounds of meat, because Andy cares about his egg, and knows that his egg will carry him. Our egg is a beautiful egg.

Holy $%&!

2006-08-30T12:27:00.000-04:00

Stallworth, Stallworth, Stallworth, Stallworth, Stallworth, Stallworth, Stallworth.

Now, we all know that everyone's ratings of the Eagles was probably a tad low. No one thinks they could possibly win the division, and most people have pretty much entirely written them off. Obviously people here in Philadelphia don't really agree with that, but that's, for the most part, irrelevant. Yet, in another bold move by the front office, the Eagles have acquired Donte Stallworth, for practically nothing. Simoneau is a player who was having a tough time getting on the field, and the conditional 4th rounder is worth...well it's not worth a whole lot if you can't draft right.

In my mind, I think this puts the Eagles right back on the map. Sure a nice power back would be a welcome addition. Stallworth will make our whole offense better. No, he's not TO, he's not Chad Johnson, he's not Steve Smith. He is A) Fast as all hell, B) Great with the ball after the catch, and C) Going to draw coverage away from our weaker WRs, which should improve their play. I'm really excited about this, and while I don't think it turns the Eagles into the Super Bowl contender they were with TO, it can only help.

THE RETURN OF MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

2006-08-15T21:41:00.000-04:00

Ok, the actual football part of the game last night is not at all what I was interested in, even though I secretly root for the Vikings, a little bit.

No, I was more interested in what my main man Tony Kornheiser had to say. And to be honest with you, I wasn't particularly impressed. Not disappointed mind you, but not impressed. We've all seen him on PTI, and maybe you've read his columns in the Washington Post or heard his radio show. But I was very curious to see how he did with live TV that would be watched by millions. We all know how the third man on MNF can shoot himself in the foot (i.e. Dennis Miller's dumbass), but I certainly have more hope for the bald man who doesn't fly. They created a few little segments to make sure he got time on the mic, but for the most part it was Tirico and Theismann (who I don't like at all). But I think he'll get better as the season goes on, and I'm looking forward to it.

Not to mention they moved the starting time up to 8:00 pm, which is great for dudes like me that fall asleep early.

It's Fantasy Land

2006-08-09T00:48:00.000-04:00

No, I'm not referring to fantasy football, that utterly horrible, yet oh-so-necessary evil that encompasses most of our lives from now until January. No, I'm definitely not talking about the Phillies chances of making the Wild Card, which is definitely fantasy. I'm talking about preseason football, one of the most horrifically irritating things of all time.

I could waste everyone's time by presenting my opinions on the game, but I won't. I'm not even gonna talk about the first team performance. I will say that preseason football is the equivalent of going on a date with Anna Kournikova, only she has no clothes on, and she refuses to let you pay for dinner, and goes home at the end of the night without so much as a peck on the cheek. It's the worst form of blue balls in history, with the exception of actual blue balls. It's almost entirely unwatchable, and the parts that are watchable are wholly eclipsed by the rest of the crap. And we still have four more games worth.

I'll get back to you in a few weeks.

So close

2006-08-02T00:17:00.000-04:00

Seriously, so very, very close.

The Dead Zone

2006-07-15T14:18:00.000-04:00

I made a stunning realization last night.

We have truly entered the sports Dead Zone in this town. With the Phillies sliding face first on their backs down a hill into a pile of manure, training camp weeks away, the Sixers trying to trade the most exciting player on the team, and the Flyers attempting to do a poor imitation of the Buffalo Sabres, I'm left with few things to keep me happy.

One is the Tour de France. I'm sure most of you couldn't watch 10 minutes of this, but I watch 2-3 hours of it every day. I happen to ride a bicycle a lot, so it makes sense, but there are plenty of viewer-friendly reasons to watch even if you don't. One, they crash sometimes. Two, it's the most physically exhausting event in the world (challenge me on that one, I dare you). Three, the hot babes at the end who give the dude the Maillot Jaune and a stuffed animal (???????). I also really enjoy trying to figure out the strategy, and watching when the teams get broken up by a young budding star challenging the veteran leader. Ok maybe none of those are good reasons for you to watch, but I will continue.

Two is the Minnesota Twins. I'm waving my Homerun Hankie, dreaming about old #34, and watching Joe Mauer hopefully become the best catcher of our lifetime.

Three is the fact that training camp really is coming up soon. Extremely soon. Very soon.

News Flash

2006-07-15T14:16:00.000-04:00

I still don't watch the Phillies.

However, I did watch the home run derby, and Ryan Howard is most excellent. And he hits for contact. Suckers

Seriously, I'm done

2006-06-15T13:13:00.000-04:00

Everyone has been talking about this Mets series like this: if the Phillies don't win at least 2 games, they have no hope for doing anything successful this season. I couldn't really find a way to believe that before it started, but now the inevitable has happened, and I'm changing my feelings about this team. They're not mediocre. They are bad. They're not awful, or horrible, or garbage, but they're bad. Uninspired, clearly unknowledgeable (reference Jimmy Rollins stealing with Wagner on the mound, one out, and Utley at bat), unlovable, and now unwatchable. We're at the same point we were at last year when I stopped caring, and started watching...well, nothing. Training camp is soon.

And it goes...

2006-06-09T09:29:00.000-04:00

Since no one brought a strong challenge to Bobby Boucher, let's anoint him the king of cinema football and move on to the next sport, basketball. I'm going to start the debate with my favorite movie basketball player, although I'll concede that I don't think he's the finest. I'll leave that to you. A premier playmaker and scorer with the ability to take over a game at any point, I present the point guard on my all-movie team, Bugs Bunny. Ball's in your court.

Juvenation Machine

2006-06-06T14:50:00.000-04:00

I'm putting you all in control. All thirty of our readers out there are now have sole discretion as to how often a new post will come out. It can come morning, noon, or night, in rain, hail, snow, or sleet. All you have to do is argue. So begins the great movie athlete debate, brought to you by Tullamore Dew, Patron, and McKinley's Tavern. We're gonna go sport by sport until we have definitevely determined the top movie athelete for each sport. As soon as we have selected our athelete, it will be time to move on. In the event of a any unrelenting debates, Armando, James, my Dad, and I will vote, at which point we will have then most likely have another tie and then we'll just flip a coin. Guidelines? I'm glad you asked.

Only fictional atheltes. I know how much you loved John Goodman as the Babe, Kareem in Airplane, and Joe Montana on SNL, but were gonna have to put them on the shelf for now with your Kazuhito Tadano video (yes, i know it was a one-time incident)

However, real athletes playing fictional characters will warrant consideration, such as Lawrence Taylor's performance in 'Any Given Sunday.'

First up, football. There's a lot to deal with here, from Willie Beamon (who may end up winning for best song by an athlete), to Paul Crewe taking down the guards and winning one for Caretaker. For me, the discussion begins and ends with the silver screen's greatest sack master, Bobby Boucher. A devastating presence at middle linebacker while lining up at a stout 5'10, the Waterboy was a one-man defensive machine who created absolute havoc for offenses all throughout southern Lousiana. Boucher was the pinacle of speed and power on the football field, as well as the consumate team player and family man.

Let the games begin. I eagerly anticipate your comments.

It's no Veterans Stadium

2006-05-28T12:11:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I managed to attend sporting events at not one, but two of our beautiful stadiums in South Philly. I'd been to Lincoln Financial Field and Citizen's Bank Park before, many times at each, but never in the same day. I saw two lacrosse games, and a horrific loss by the Phillies to the Brewers (0 for 5 on that one boys!), but what I really noticed was that those two stadiums might be the best combination of state of the art venues in the US. Now, the Wachovia Center is pretty great, but when it comes to the new school basketball/hockey venues, they're pretty much all the same. So, I challenge you to name a better combination of baseball and football venues in America. I can think of quite a few non-combinations that are better standing on their own, but not a combo. Dolphins Stadium does not count. Neither does the Metrodome.

My triumphant return to the internet

2006-05-25T15:49:00.000-04:00

It's been a long time. I never knew getting internet in the suburbs could be so difficult, but it was.

So where to start. The Phillies are....well they're the Phillies. I know with this team we don't have a contender. But the tough question to answer is this one: are they bad, average, or just mediocre? It's funny watching the Detroit Tigers have their best season of the last 500000 years with the manager we should have. It's funny watching Jimmy Rollins approach the plate the same way he always has, and apparently always will. And of course I love watching the bullpen be the quintessential Phillies bullpen. But this team isn't bad. Obviously the young talent on this team would be gladly accepted on any team in major league baseball. They've got 2 or 3 pitchers who would fit into almost any rotation. But they have an uncanny knack for losing close games, losing games that they were winning, and simply not coming up with clutch hits in late innings. I think that if they hadn't gone on such a tear, the tune I'm singing might have come up more as "send in the clowns," as opposed to the "flight of the valkyries" that I'm singing now. I just can't tell if they play well against bad teams and lose to good ones, or vice versa. I can't tell if by the end of the season they'll be fighting for the division or the wild card, or nothing at all. But I do know that I am finding myself wanting to watch every game, and I guess that's really all you can ask for.

"That ain't no kind of fun"

2006-05-11T19:37:00.000-04:00

Standing ovation for Aaron Rowand, who just made the best play by a Phillie I've seen since 93. Two outs, bases loaded, he's on a dead sprint backwards towards the bullpen in right-center, checks the wall for proximity, but heeds the information and plows face-first into the metal fencing. Saves three runs in a game that has a fifty fifty shot of being a rain delay. One hundred percent awesome. Now it's time for 24 other guys to step up. Thanks Aaron.

Quicker Hits

2006-05-09T12:06:00.000-04:00

I thoroughly enjoyed the Barry Bonds experience this weekend, certainly highlighted by his inability to get out of the way of a batted ball, then having to walk face first into an ocean of boos, culminating with a hall of fame helmet slam. In addition to going at him with junk low in the zone, then attempting no less than 5 pickoff throws every time he's on base, I am now campaigning that all middle infielders turn two on his ground balls especially when there are no men on base. If he wants to make a joke of the game, it's your duty to make a joke of him.

In other non-record breaking news, on Inside the NBA last night Charles attempted to beat David Blaine's non-record of 7:08 minutes underwater, coming up only 6:44 short before emerging in a giggling fit. Charles did set the record for greasiest head, as the fishtank he submerged his dome in looked like the Prince Edward sound after the Exxon Valdez crash.

There were two separate Owens Cowboys' jerseys seen at Saturday's Phillies game, and all I really have to say to these dudes is, good luck. It may be a month from now, or a year, or two years, but it's coming. And when it comes, don't say you weren't ready. Don't bother to punish the wicked, for through their own actions, they punish themselves.

If you translate 'The Green Bleeder' into french, then back to english, it becomes 'The Resistance of Green Escape.'

Adios, Kobe. Nothing says 'champion' like 4 points in the second half of a game seven. And for everyone who's upset that we lost Raja, think how happy you'd be if we still had him at 8 years, $67 million. Because that's what Billy King would have given him.

You better not pout, I'm telling you why

2006-05-05T00:05:00.000-04:00

Barry Bonds is coming to town, and given our pitching, stadium, and connection to major baseball statistics, it seems almost impossible that he won't surpass Babe Ruth's 714 home runs at some point this weekend. This leaves us with a few questions:

Is this important?
If you care about baseball, definitely. If you care about sports, probably. If you don't care about sports, but you care about cheating, pompous, preternaturally talented people, certainly. If you don't care about sports, pompous assholes, or inflammatory remarks, feel free to skim the next few questions.

Why is this important?
Baseball, more than any other sport, is buttressed by its statistical lore. Most likely the first statisticians were looking for something to do in between spitballs, then noticed that comparing players using objective numbers rather than subjective opinions allowed them to make conclusions rather than fighting civil wars all the time (note: baseball is that old). When Kareem passed whoever used to have the career points total in basketball, no one outside of LA and Boston felt the breeze. When Jerry Rice took over the total touchdowns record, Raider fans (or whatever god-awful team he was on at the time) barely blinked. But because baseball is so slow and hardly ever does someone take a forearm to the groin, people need something to distract themselves. This coupled with the real reasons, which I have no idea about, make baseball statistics relevant, which in turn lend credence to Barry's assault.

Wait a minute, so is he gonna break any records or not?
Interestingly, no. The home run record is held by Hank Aaron, who finished up with 755 Ryan Howards. Barry's still a season away from that total, which means he'll need a couple more trips to the pharmacist to refill his steroid prescription.

So if he's not breaking any records, why is this a big deal?
It's a big deal because he's passing the total of the more famous and more white player. Babe Ruth is substantially more famous than Hank Aaron, and much whiter to boot. This sits really well with most Americans. Also, in an informal phone survey of non-sports fans (2 men, 2 women), 75% of those polled thought that the record was in fact held by "Huh? Hal, I don't know anything about baseball. I don't know. uh? Babe Ruth maybe?" So basically it's a big deal because everyone thinks he's breaking the record, and moreover will be satisfied that the record is broken once he passes him.

What records might Barry actually break this weekend?
Well, he just surpassed the Babe for most career extra base hits, which actually is a record, so it's gonna be a little tough. Scott Rolen's boos record and J.D. Drew's 'most batteries thrown at' record are in serious jeopardy.

If he wasn't a jerk, but still did steroids and broke records, would people still hate him?
Yes, but to a lesser degree. Certainly his being a jerk makes it easier to hate him, but the reality is that baseball has a huge problem and badly needed a scapegoat. Remember, nothing burns like an effigy.

Is it worth $20 to see Barry in person?
Three years ago, I would have said maybe not. But having seen him twice in person since then, I'll now say absolutely. Aside from his sideshow, size 12 7/8 head, there are more than a few compelling arguments for Barry Bonds. Like him or not, he's one of the top ten players of all-time and will be remembered as the greatest hitter, both pure and for power, of his generation. He's in direct competition with Roger Clemens and Mariano Rivera for greatest player of the era. My favorite Barry nugget is that he is playing what can be definitively considered the worst left field in the history of organized baseball. When I saw him with my Dad in San Francisco, he played nine innings, didn't take his left hand out of his pocket more than twice, never backed up a single play to the shortstop, walked (not jogged) out a double to center, and was every inning the last player back to the dugout, which is conveniently located on the third base line (traditionally the home dugout is on the first base side). He also totaled one flip of the cap to the Giants fans who cheered his name for two and a half hours. Hall of fame performance all the way.

I hate Barry. What should I do?
Wherever you are, you should alternate boos with heavy laughter. Then you should put an asterisk on your boos.

I play for the Phillies. What should I do?
If you're pitching, and you want to go the traditional route, an intentional walk or a hit-by-pitch is acceptable, followed by upwards of fifteen pickoff attempts, basically to the point where he sits down on first base. If you want to try a more progressive approach, and there's no one on the bases, roll four pitches underhand towards home plate. If you're playing the infield, and there's no one on the bases, I recommend turning a double play anyway. Or sprinting from shortstop with the ball to first, still beating him by three steps.

I have left field tickets for Saturday's game. What should I do?
How about cheering for the Phillies? They've won five straight, and just came off of their first sweep of the Braves since 1634. If you can't find it in your heart to do that, try booing Barry. It's fun and easy. If you've ever seen Ty Detmer play quarterback you should be fairly practiced in it. Now just remove the element of disappointment from your boo, and you'll be set. The basic Barry Bonds boo recipe consists of: 1 part vitriol, 1 part contempt, 2 parts anger, and 1/8 part silent awe. This differs from the traditional Philly boo of 1 part tears, 2 parts disappointment, 1 part "I can't believe I have to wait 7 months for another game," and 18 parts "god damn it Donovan, the dude is five yards away, you need a TOUCH pass. Touch. Pass."

Yeah, I know how to boo. What, specifically, should I do?
Media proponents are gaining steam with their walkout idea (whenever Barry comes up to bat, walk to the nearest concourse and stay there for the duration). This to me seems like it would take too much time and coordination. I recommend the backwards silent treatment, wherein everyone in the stadium stands up and turns their back to the field for the at-bat and remains perfectly silent. Chillingly effective.

A.K.A. Brick James

2006-05-03T10:59:00.000-04:00

Through our hit counter I've been keeping a list of all the nonsense phrases that people search on google, msn, etc. which then hit on our site. Since we publish every article and both the archives on the main page, it's not overly remarkable that a bunch of far out words will land you here, but what I can't get my head around is why anyone searching for 'thomas edison salt hire' would see the results and decide that this is the place to come for their salt hiring needs. Anyway, I'll throw these out from time to time on non-rainy days. Here's the most recent bunch:

Basketball cards Kwame Brown 2005-2006 insert rarity
brashear fights
shaky tale of doctor jakey
big and tall shirts – da
poolside tailgating items
knife bleeder
pete webber
bucknasty bow strings
hideki matsui golden shower
football teams sign ups (Columbus, oh)

If you're still bored, check out this glossary of religious terms beginning with the letter 'w.'

Early Birds

2006-05-02T14:47:00.000-04:00

While I'm on my high horse I thought it would be a nice time to unveil my initial Eagles season prediction, mostly for tracking purposes.

Sunday, Sept 10th 1PM @ Texans- W (1-0)
Sunday, Sept 17th 1PM vs Giants- W (2-0)
Sunday, Sept 24th 4:15PM @ 49ers- W (3-0)
Monday, Oct 2nd 8:30PM vs Packers- W (4-0)
Sunday, Oct 8th 4:15PM vs Cowboys- W (5-0)
Sunday, Oct 15th 1PM @ Saints- W (6-0)
Sunday, Oct 22th 1PM @ Bucs- L (6-1)
Sunday, Oct 29th 1PM vs Jags- W (7-1)
Sunday, Nov 5th BYE
Sunday, Nov 12th 1PM vs Redskins- W (8-1)
Sunday, Nov 19th 1PM vs Titans- W (9-1)
Sunday, Nov 26th 1PM @ Colts- L (9-2)
Monday, Dec 4th 8:30PM vs Carolina- W (10-2)
Sunday, Dec 10th 1PM @ Redskins- L (10-3)
Sunday, Dec 17th 1PM @ Giants- W (11-3)
Monday, Dec 25th 5PM @ Cowboys- L (11-4)
Sunday, Dec 31th 1PM vs Falcons- W (12-4)

Also, thanks to Dave the x-intern for the link to the 'Invincible' trailer, it looks tremendous even though Marky Mark somehow won the role of tough guy out from under Greg Kinnear. I guess Marky really knew what he was getting into with 'Hangin' Tough,' which is quickly approaching its 21st birthday.

As for the 12-4 record, I see us starting off strong with some weak opponents and unproven quarterbacks, powering through the bye week, and hitting a bit of a late wall when the tough divisional series hits the road. Christmas night in Dallas is gonna be a bit tough when Owens goes off for 12 for 179, 3 touchdowns, 2 missing front teeth, and a set of broken ribs.

Weekend Wrap (Now without Siran Stacey!)

2006-05-01T09:31:00.000-04:00

"I can't believe that Godzilla was the only surviving member of its species... But if we continue conducting nuclear tests... it's possible that another Godzilla might appear somewhere in the world again."
Beautiful draft by the birds. They got a silverback gorilla in round one and two guys that will scare the shit out of buffet owners for years to come with their subsequent picks. And one of them got picked up for soliciting prostitution! Next up, cheerleader combine.

"Any man who crosses me knows nothing of Tuco"
As much as I hate Kobe (he's currently #1 on my list ahead of the guy from Citibank on Laguardia) I've been unable to stay away from him lately, causing me to lose upwards of 10 hours a week watching the NBA playoffs (and you thought they were unwatchable). My previous reasoning was that I wanted to be there every time he lost, but it seems that my old desire has merged with my new feeling that every time out there's a pretty reasonable chance he'll do something you've never seen before. For example, passing, or being a team leader, or killing Sasha Vujacic with a sneaker. The real miracle is that Phil found a way to get these guys to play defense and not kill each other while the player formerly known at #8 (nice one, asshole) put up 30 shots a night. At this point Phil could play Terrell Owens at point guard and get 12 assists and 10 boards out of him on 2 of 4 shooting while catching Kobe's spill.

"You can act like a man!"
Lebron, for your own good please cut out this fingernail biting shit. SATs are over, champ.

"My prediction? Pain"
Eagles look poised to start the season with four straight wins as they face Houston (away), Giants (home), San Fran (away), and Green Bay (home, Monday night). No telling where we go from there, here's to hoping it stars with 'p' and ends with 'layoffs.'

"No matter how far out of first we are, it's cool. You know, it keeps us from getting shut out at our favorite hotels and restaurant-type places."
To the Phils, now filling the standings sheet with a robust 10-14. Here's a few prop bets- more Phils wins or Reggie Brown catches? Who makes the first start, Cole Hamels or Randy Wolf. Next home attendance or total franchise losses?

"I'd be a lot better if you beat my legs with these bamboo reeds."
Don't trade Allen. Just don't.

"Big hitter, the Lama"
Congrats to my buddy Josh and his agency on their terrific draft. 22 of 24 players drafted, and they've already got Sheldon Brown in the stable to boot.

Super Mario Brother

2006-04-29T10:33:00.000-04:00

Yesterday Armando and were discussing the question "if you were starting an NFL franchise from available talent, who would be the first non-quarterback chosen?" (clearly Kelly Holcolmb would be the first off any qb draft board) Armando more or less settled with LaDanian, while I went with Dwight Freeney, reasoning that a game-stopping DE is more powerful than a playmaking running back. Fortunately for the New Orleans Saints, Gary Kubiak and the Texans staff managed to bug my car and listened in on our little chat before driving the truck from 'Wages of Fear' into their franchise headquarters and blowing up their chance of winning the division for the next decade.

Although I'll continue to argue the merit of taking a DE over all other positions in the current NFL scheme, that situation only holds when we are discussing players of known and approximately equal talent. HOWEVER, when we are talking about one player who is known to consistently embarrass the competition on national television every week and another who didn't register his second sack until his sixth game of the season, we're not really having the same discussion any longer.

This basically comes down to choosing between A) the smoking-hot smart girl you've known for two years with rich parents who love you (although for some reason they failed to pay rent and owe $300,000 to some guy named Michael Michaels) and B) the girl who was at the party all night but you didn't see until 2 a.m. and you think her name is Nancy and some dude you met at the diner the next morning tells you his friend said she's great in bed and loves puppies although he may be mistaken.

Thanks Mel, you've been great, now please go back to your hole

2006-04-28T11:21:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Armando for holding down the fort while I was in Spain and as far from a computer as possible, and to everyone who emailed, called, and threw bricks with notes through my window politely requesting that I "get my ass back on the internet." Here's your Eagles draft preview, you bucknasty motherfuckers.

The Eagles have 10 picks in this weekend's draft, which lines up nicely with our loss column from last season. [Note: I was sitting around a couple weeks ago, and it hit me: we won six games last year. Six games! The god damn Cleveland Browns won six games last year! At least we've got the Phils] I reckon our biggest holes are, in no particular order: WR, OLB, DE, DT, OT, OG, KR. Our needs on the offensive and defensive lines are convenient, because that's where Andy and Tom were going to draft anyway, which pleases the hell out of me. With the current state of NFL rule calling, it's basically useless to try to do anything exciting in open space where the refs can see it, so your best bet is to get some mashers in the trenches and win the battle there. And say what you will about the NFL refs being flag happy, but at least their not getting paid by the whistle (see NBA Playoffs for reference, especially any series that has gone to 2-0 and doesn't include the words Detroit Pistons). We'll also need some special teamers to replace Keith Adams, who I was waay high on, and would it kill you to draft someone to light a fire under Reno?

Round 1: Normally the Birds would go with some guy out of Eastern Missouri State that you've never heard of, but that's no longer possible thanks to the NFL Draft Channel, aka ESPN. They've carried at least 6 hours a day for a month solid on the sports' greatest crapshoot, and still no one has the slightest idea what's going to happen. There will be more people who aced their Final Four bracket this year than can pick 90% of the first two rounds correctly. I've seen no less than a half-dozen 7-round mock drafts, which are about as useful as stealing SAT answers from the kid that spent half the year in juve and the other half in the bathroom. In lieu of going with someone you've never heard of, they'll go with someone you wish you've never heard of to provide depth along the O-Line.

Round 2: Much like my attempt to rank the top five pro quarterbacks (coming next week), things get a little dicey in the two-spot. The fans are looking for management to pick up a wide receiver who broke his leg two years ago but has tremendous upside (see Frederick Mitchell, UCLA), but there's better money on them picking up a stocky DT with a "great motor" (aka eating problem). Just to get you ready for this one, sometime in the near future, possibly as late as training camp, a reporter is going to ask Andy Reid "It seems as if you still haven't addressed the wide receiver position. Do you have any plans to pick up another starter before the season starts?" And here's Andy's reply, so you'll be ready: "We're really excited to have Todd (Pinkston) back in the lineup. We missed him last year and are thrilled about what he brings to our offense." At least now you'll have your air sick bag ready for the press conference.

Round 3: Time to get defensive! The birds use their third round pick on an undersized outside linebacker to plug holes on special teams. John Harbaugh meets him personally at the Greyhound station on Filbert.

Round 4: The Eagles have three picks in the fourth round thanks to trades last year with Dallas and Indy, which nearly cause Tom Heckert to die of excitement. This is great for the fans because rather than pick up one guy you've never heard of, we get three guys you've never heard of, one of which won't make the team!

Round 5: Two picks here, and we're getting ready to pick up the next AJ Feely (did you know he's on San Diego now?), in hopes of flipping this pick for second or third rounder in 2009. Unfortunately the Dolphins now have Nick Saban running the show with Dave Wannstedt in Pittsburgh (that's the University of), which is approximately equal trading in your Huffy two-speed for an Aston Martin with all the James Bond accoutrements. So we'll have to fleece someone else when the time comes (I'm thinking Detroit).

Round 6: Perfect time for Andy to dip into his BYU contacts and come up with someone that you've definitely never heard of unless you are:
1. Andy Reid
2. From Provo
3. Insane (see #2)

Round 7: Nothin' says lovin' like a late round bruising running back, so here we go. Hope you've enjoyed the vacation from my nonsense.

Uh Oh. more playoff predictions

2006-04-18T23:27:00.000-04:00

So they made it. It looks like they've got the same goalie as last year. And hell, they even finished better than I expected. They've got a fighting chance, and you never know, someone might knock off the Red Wings before they get the chance to win the Cup for the billionth time (probably not though). So here's my first round predictions. If you don't agree with me, make a comment. Also, bite me.

EAST

1. Ottawa vs Tampa Bay---The only chance the Bolts have of winning this match up is if the Senators players all fall asleep on the beach and wake up with 3rd degree sun tan burns. They're going down hard, and I'm going to love ever last salty second.

2. Carolina vs Montreal---Sorry to say it Habs, but the Cup might go to another perennial hockey powerhouse this year, Carolina. Wait, that doesn't make any sense on about 10 levels. But yeah, the Hurricanes are good, a true threat to win it all, and they have Rod Brind'amour! Brindy! What a dude.

3. New Jersey vs New York Rangers---This is sort of tough to pick. The Rangers were the better team for the first 2/3rd's of the season, but the return of Elias sparked the supremely evil, trap creating, spawn of Satan Devil's back to life. Obviously Brodeur is still god of the underworld, and the Rangers have....well a bunch of overpaid brats. They had a goalie, but he's gotten hurt and faltered. Gotta go with experience on this one, Devils.

4. Buffalo vs Philadelphia---Obviously my heart says the Flyers. However, the Sabres just had their number all season. BUT, experience is what matters in the playoffs, and the Flyers just have tons more. Either way, I don't see this one going any less than 7, which doesn't bode well for either team.

WEST

1. Detroit vs Edmonton---I'm not gonna waste any of our time with this one.

2. Dallas vs Colorado---Oh man do these teams hate each other. Dallas was my childhood love, being the current home of the former North Stars, the greatest team in the history of hockey. Colorado had a topsy turvy season, and the Stars pretty much dominated, outside of the Red Wings, the whole conference. Should be a tough one, but the edge goes to the Stars, they just have more talent.

3. Calgary vs Anaheim---The Flames were great all season, but the Mighty Ducks pulled maybe the best comeback, turn around this season possibly ever in pro hockey. Their goalie is hot, the team is on a roll, and I like the upset in this one.

4. Nashville vs San Jose---Tough one to pick, and while Nashville has been a good team all year, they've faltered of late, while San Jose has been consistently, well...consistent. I like the Sharks in this one.

So there it is. Pretty straight forward, only a couple upsets. But hell, we haven't seen playoff hockey in a long time. I would say i'm excited, but honestly, this is when the gut-wrenching nervousness sets in. If the Flyers don't make it out of the first round AT LEAST, I might just have to end it all.

Could I get any more nervous?

2006-03-27T11:51:00.001-04:00

With only a handful of games left in both the NBA and the NHL, the playoff lineups are starting to solidify. We all know the Flyers have been playing great and slowly creeping up the list of 8 teams that will compete for the Cup from the Eastern Conference. We all know the Sixers are almost completely inept and are struggling to hold onto that 8th seed as they have lost 8 of their last 10 games. Here's where the problems begin.

As it stands now, you can give up on the Sixers. They're best finish might leave them in the 7th slot, but any way you look at it, they're playing a team that should sweep them in the first round. I never had much hope for them, but it seems like Cheeks is just gonna leave them in the same position that the beloved Jim O'Brien did. Awful.

It seems like the prospects for the Flyers are better, and they are, but don't get too confident. As of now, they're slotted to play Tampa Bay in the first round, and if that happens, I most likely will end up puking due to nervousness. They've been a thorn in the Flyers side for the past few seasons, and nothing's changed. But the other possible matchups aren't really any better. Buffalo could easily beat the Flyers, they had immense trouble with Montreal all season, and the Rangers weren't any easier. So I find myself rooting for the Devils. And that makes me throw up a little in my mouth just thinking about it. I've often said that I hate the Devils more than I like anything, in the world. And it's true, my intensely burning hatred for them is almost indescribable. The goalie controversy (as much as Hitchcock denies there is one) is too much for me to handle, and I find myself just hoping that the first round will be over with and we can all move on. I'm so nervous.

So I'm starting to get pissed...

2006-03-13T09:09:00.000-04:00

It's getting down to the wire.
Less than 20 games left.
A few teams have sewed up a playoff spot.

And the Flyers still can't decide on a goalie. They can't decide how to score on a powerplay (or a 7 minute powerplay). They can't figure out how to keep a lead, or regain one. They can't decide how, in Gauthier's case, to fight after getting punched in the head a few times. Honestly, it doesn't seem like there's much they have figured out lately, and after a few horrible losses, Hitchcock is starting to look less like the genius he is, and more like a donut loving doofus.

If you know hockey, you know this team is good. You know they should be a 3 or 4 seed in this conference. But what I know is that they don't deserve much better than a 5 or 6, and probably not even a 7. I know that I'm getting flashbacks to the 94 Stanley Cup, and Hextall and stinking Garth Snow switching every game. That might be the worst part in terms of history, but in real-time, the lead blowing, bad overtimes, and lack of toughness make me scared for this team.

Now there's still time to pull it together, and that "together" better start getting pulled right now.

Diamond in the Rough

2006-03-08T18:35:00.000-04:00

Somehow, the World Baseball Classic is actually entertaining. I've been strangely compelled to watch a couple games the last two days, and I'm totally floored by the fact that is watchable. This came as a huge surprise on the heels of a well-boring Olympic Hockey run, and could lead to the eventual U.S. domination of Olympic football (as Troy Polamalu and Lofa Tatupu combine for 45 tackles and 6 sacks in a losing effort for team Samoa). By my account, the WBC (don't worry about that other WBC, no one watches boxing more than thrice a year anyway) has at least 10 things going for it.

1. Players can relate to each other and chase after a team goal other than money and babes
Money and babes are prime motivators, but in the rest of the world (and in America during wars that 75% of the population aren't opposed to), nationalism reigns supreme.

2. ~~Pedro Martinez~~(ankle)
3. ~~Hideki Matsui~~(porn)
4. ~~Kazuo Matsui~~(respect for national integrity/game of baseball)
5. ~~Barry~~(the truth, now in hardcover!)

6. Junk
After watching two days of world baseball I have come to the expert conclusion that four seam fastballs do not exist in the Latin world, which has made them elevate their game to the extent that they only throw ridiculous 92mph three-feet breaking junk. It's fantastic. Just hide your birth certificates and maybe you can get a scout to believe that you'll hold up for another eight years. Oh, you already lost your records, great.

7. The Cuban Defectors
Judging by quotes from team Cuba, they plan on using some version of the buddy system to ensure that everyone makes it back to the island at the conclusion of the classic. Hopefully they brought along their victory cigars.

8. You can take the tiger out of the jungle...
But when you put him back in, he's a tiger all over again. I've always found it terribly sad to watch great players that you know have tons of charisma wallowing on MLB benches because they can't speak english and hate white men. Well, here's your chance to see everyone in their natural environment, speaking their native language (except for Piazza, more on that later), spending time with a bunch of guys they grew up with. Try to imagine for a second how much fun Tejada and Papi are having with Fatdalis Perez right now. See- you can't. It's not comprehensible. It may even be incomprehensible. I'm confused just writing about it.

9. Completely Insane Fans
Living in America through two Presidents who fought over the big piece of chicken in the same house in Texas has washed away any hope of nationalism that my Grandmother had in store for my sister and I when she marched us around with American flags as five year olds, so it always catches me off guard when I see three thousand lunatics waving Panamanian flags and screaming their heads off. More than anything else I'm envious. It would have been nice to see a North Korea team and watch the fans cheering at gunpoint, but you can't have it all, I guess.

10. Mike Piazza
I'd try and make an argument that someone born in America, lived in America all their life, received their paychecks from American companies, and raised their family in America should play for team U.S.A., but in Mike's case, please Italy, he's all yours. I hope no one tries to steal second on ya'll.

For my money, I'm taking the Dominican's all the way, although it would be nice if they could get Pedro out there for three and a third every fifth day. But then he wouldn't be able to help the Mets find a way to blow it in September.

Fat Monday? Ash Thursday?

2006-03-02T18:32:00.000-04:00

Square on the heels of what would have been (and still may be) the greatest salary dump in the history of pro sports, the NFL has extended its free agency deadline until Sunday night. This move will allow teams like Washington and Oakland more time to trim the fat, and give cap-rich teams like Minnesota and your 2006 Philadelphia Eagles time to put on their bibs before they sink into the meatiest free agent class in recent memory. Go here for anyone's best guess at the current cap situation. It is equally likely that this was a P.R. move spurred by league officials who thought that "Bloody Thursday" didn't have enough ring to it. Even more likely, owners and players want a little more time so they don't feel responsible for being the downfall of the most popular sport in America. Here's to hoping a bunch of rich guys can sit down this weekend and come to grips with the fact that the salubrity of a professional sports league is more important than buying a third 250 foot yacht.

Comin around the stretch..

2006-03-02T16:15:00.000-04:00

The Olympics are over, as you may or may not have noticed.

With everyone in the NHL having played 56-59 games, there are roughly 25 games left in the season. The Flyers are holding onto the 5th spot in the East, and with most of their players coming back from injuries (save Primeau, who I will get to shortly), they hope to move up and clinch a 2 or 3 spot. The trade deadline looms as well, and the Flyers have always been a team who makes adjustments at the deadline. So who we gonna get??

A short list of possibilities includes one Jeremey Roenick (who we basically rented to the Kings for that classic "player to be named later" AKA himself), Keith Tkachuk of the St. Louis Blues, and Olli Jokinen of the Florida Panthers. I think the clear best move is for Jokinen, by far the best of all available players, with the best contractual side effects. The Flyers have always moved to get playoff-experienced veterans before the deadline, and while Jokinen is young for an NHLer, and has virtually no playoff experience, he's by far the best player, with the most up-side. The point is this: the Flyers will definitely make a move.

The question is can they pull it all together in time for the playoffs. Having lost only 2 more games than the no. 1 team, with the deficit coming in overtime losses and shootout losses, you'd hope that much of the gap between them and the first spot can be attributed to the new end of game rules. Rules that will not continue in the playoffs, where it reverts to sudden death, endless overtime. If they are unable to secure a 2 or 3 seed for the playoffs, they will most likely face a team like Buffalo or Tampa Bay. Teams that are entirely beatable, but will take more than 4 games to defeat, and the NHL playoffs are all about sweeps.

So now we start sweating. And hoping for no more injuries. And sweating some more.

On My (chopping) Block

2006-03-02T01:01:00.000-04:00

If you're reading this right now, that most likely means you've found your way to www.greenbleeder.com, as we are having major publishing problems at greenbleeder.blogspot.com (which is why you haven't seen anything new in over a week). Everything is expected to be resolved by the end of the week, until then, please bear with us and let people know where to find the site.

Things are getting completely out of hand in the NFL as I write, and it looks like half the league is about to purge their rosters to get under the $95 million cap ($10-$15 million lower than expected). More than a few huge names are expected to be shown the door as clubs scramble to field squads for '06. Further complicating matters is the looming '07 uncapped year, which has the counterintuitive effect of NOT allowing teams to sign players (especially rookies), because no one has any idea how things will look if and when the cap is restored.

Although this is terrible news for approximately half the league, the Eagles should be able to tread water and pick up a few stragglers here and there. They are reportedly $14 million under the new cap, although no one actually knows what their cap status is because it is impossible to find out. Every now and then it seems like ESPN's John Clayton has an in, but he seems to be only slightly more educated with his guesses. As I recall, the Eagles made a few contract extensions during the year (Westbrook, Akers) which used up most if not all of their available space. This has been their normal course of action and one of the happenings most often misunderstood by fans screaming about our wasted cap dollars.

What is always an important day for big-name players to be released should take on a monumental stature this year with the cap far lower than expected, resulting in talented and maybe even young players up for grabs. Rumor mills, which are about as accurate as a weather forecast, have the Eagles targeting a handful of top-notch o-linemen, including the Jets' Kevin Mawae and New Orleans' LeCharles Bentley.

Get out your umbrellas and ponchos, because the chopping block is out and heads are gonna fly. If you've got one of those Gordon's fisherman costumes put that on too, and don't forget the hat.